'I'm so sick of taking the high road with my cheating ex wife. What should I do?'
"I'm so sick of taking the high road with my cheating ex wife."
After 9 years of marriage and 13 years together my wife told me she wasn’t happy. Fair point, I wasn’t exactly either, but I still loved her and wanted to improve our marriage. I had a lot I could improve on and so did she.
I asked what was wrong, what could I do, how did she feel but I always got the same answer, “I don’t know.” I asked her if I had two weeks or two years and she gave the same answer. I suggested couples therapy but she thought we had our own issues we needed to work through first, so we went separately.
4 months after she told me she was unhappy, I found that she had cheated on me a few months prior and had kept almost daily contact with her AP. I found out because his wife suspected and went through his phone.
I confronted her that night, fairly calmly and she didn’t try to hide it. She wasn’t proud either but she wasn’t sad it happened. She loved him, they just GOT each other.
For about a week I was pathetic, oscillating between begging her to give us a chance and being nasty to her for cheating. After that first week, I was tired of waiting on her to make up her mind, I told her I was leaving.
I left our room and moved all my things to the guest bed. After initially agreeing to sell the house and split profit, she decided she wanted to keep the house because she earned more and didn’t want to deal with moving. I had out earned her for our entire marriage up until a week or two prior to finding out.
We (I) told our young son about the divorce, I moved out and got an apartment. I moved on, remarried again. 100% of my focus is on being a great co-parent for my son. I collaborate with his Mom, invite her to his after school activities, send her pictures of his experiences while he’s with me.
We all recently did his science fair together. My son has adjusted to his parents being divorced and while he’d prefer we were together, he accepts it. I am always perfectly friendly with her, joke. My wife goes out of her way to be friendly too. I know that his life is better as long as his Mom and I are friendly. We are just one big group of people that love and support him.
And I’m so tired of it. In a turn of events that surprises nobody, her affair partner didn’t leave his family for her. Members of my family still talk to her, they’re mad at her but they “can’t stay mad” because “she brought my son into the world.” No one seems to care that she broke up our family and tried to break up another one in the process.
Meanwhile her parents, who I love, don’t speak to me outside of an event for my son. When I tell people I’m divorced or that my wife cheated, I can feel them judging me and not her. It feels like if I had cheated people would accept that as bad, and almost expect it, but because she cheated people wonder what I did to drive her to it.
Other than losing me, her life is completely unchanged by the divorce and I get zero credit for not dumping all of her shit on the front lawn, keeping the house and blasting her and her actions to my son and I’m so tired of it.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
I think you’re doing the right thing(s). Keep being a good person.
I have no dog in this fight, but I’m gonna guess her life has changed significantly She just does a great job of hiding it from you. That’s what I’d do if I was her.
My ex always acts very cool and unbothered. One time I asked her and she blew up. I didn't ask again.
Your son cannot understand the complexities of married life. He will not understand. He CAN understand his dad being mean or even passive aggressive to his mom. It’s not worth it. My younger half brother cut my dad out of his life entirely for trash talking his mom when he was a kid. Not worth it. One day he will be old enough and will understand.
I know I’m just an internet stranger, but I’m going to take the time to validate you. I’m right there with you dude. Everything you’re feeling is valid. Facts. Period.
I want my ex-partner to be punished for kicking me and my baby out of our home, but I realized that he’ll find out soon how hard it will be without me. And I give no f&^%s about that.
He won’t have me to call on because I’ll be living 2 hours away from him with my mom. He thinks it’s going to be so easy for him to just pay child support, see our baby when he wants and take care of her on his own, but it’s more complicated than that and it always is.
Karma exists and it’s not kind. What goes around, comes around. I should’ve left my ex-partner when he cheated on me almost 5 years ago. Lol only took me 3 years to figure out.
He cheated on me 3 months into the relationship and it took me 3 years to figure out ha ha. I asked him how many times he cheated? He said 2. Then I asked him again. He said 3. Once a cheater, always a cheater. They don’t change. They continue to lie and cheat.
I’m so sorry that happened to you and good for you having the outlook you do. It still sucks to go through and deal with the aftermath.
I'm going to shoot you straight. Your situation sucks, and you did the best you could. You should be proud of yourself for that.
The tough love: the way you speak about your ex, about life, and even that last line about credit for not dumping her stuff in the yard speak volumes. It's sounds like you are searching for external validation to fill you up. Your ex still has rent-free space in your head. Unless you change your mindset, you will always live in this misery.
Figure out who you want to be, then take steps to be that and live that way. Find confidence in yourself. Develop an attitude where you don't care what others think as long as you live up to your own standards. Stop looking to others for an atta' boy or permission. Live a life of purpose and be your own source of validation. Be that example for your son. It's tough work, but I assure you that it's worth it.
Good stuff, thank you.
After reading the comments OP added this:
Edit: Thank you all for letting me vent and giving me good advice and support moving forward.