'My ex-fiancé cheated on me 20 years ago. Now he wants to get dinner and "catch up."' UPDATED

"My ex-Fiancé (M44) cheated on me 20 years ago. Should I (F44) Go out to dinner with him to catch up?"

A little bit of backstory: When I first met 'Mark' (Fake name), it was back in Junior year of high school. My parents had a pretty bad divorce (Mother had an affair) and essentially abandoned me, so my father packed up and I moved to a new state to live with him, I'm extremely close with my father because of this, and we had a close bond.

Anyway, this was a lot, I was struggling to deal with everything emotionally and I withdrew a lot, my grades got bad and I acted out. Mark was someone I became acquainted to very quickly. Think troublemaker/bully type deal. Anyway, I avoided him like the plague, but I was new, I was small, so easy pickings.

He cornered me one time, calling me names and I'm not sure what the trigger was (Just a lot of built up emotions) but I punched him, which led to a fight. (A one-sided one looking back. He was much larger than me but never swung back)

After this, he did an ENTIRE 180 on his personality. He stopped bullying others, apologized, left me love letters, followed me everywhere, until I just snapped and asked what his deal was. I still get butterflies when I think back on it (Embarrassing, I know, but it makes me feel like a kid again) But he told me that he wanted to be a better person for me, and that he liked me.

This kind of just started something between us. I started helping him study, I got a close friend who I could talk to, we hung out whenever we could, and we eventually started dating. This mans grades went from Ds and Cs to As. He worked so hard just to apply for the same college as me and to follow me.

Well, this led to an amazing couple of years, I can't even describe how happy he made me, he was sweet, caring, kind. He always bought me flowers, everything you could ever want in a man basically. During college, we got an apartment together, And shortly after got engaged. Life felt perfect, I had a decent job, I considered him the love of my life.

We started having hiccups. Nothing major, some small fights here and there, some money issues, some jealousy issues. Again, nothing we couldn't work through. But the conversations and fights kept repeating, and they spiraled because we were both young and immature (We started having real world problems)

Just before this, we started trying to a baby, which spiraled everything further because we had fertility issues. Something that really pushed everything to it's limit was when he couldn't get a job after College. We were struggling financially and I was the main one providing. It stressed him out and brought up a lot of insecurity issues for him because I was doing what he felt was 'his job' (Different time I guess)

Some info. His parents are ridiculously wealthy, his father owns a construction company and he's never had to 'struggle' for things before. When he moved out, he was determined to make it on his own, despite his father offering him a job at his company.

This is something that caused further arguments, because I was upset that he was so prideful that he'd rather suffer than work for his dad, while he was upset that I wasn't supportive of his decision because he didn't get along with his dad at the time.

It all came to a head when we had a pretty explosive argument, I went to stay with my dad after packing my bags, got cold feet after a day and missed him, came home to him shirtless, hugging a women on our couch. The blow up is as you can imagine. I cried and yelled at him, he kept saying "Please!, its not what it looks like!" but when I'd ask for more information, he'd just stutter and couldn't elaborate.

I called off the engagement, moved back to my fathers place and cut contact. He reached out a couple of times, apologizing for cheating on me and begging for another chance, but I just physically couldn't. After what I saw my father go through, cheating was a HARD boundary, and I nursed my hurt feelings for a couple of months.

It got too much for me one time when he sent me a letter, and I just couldn't bring myself to read it, so I got my job to transfer me out of state and I moved, Made my dad promise not to tell Mark where I was, and moved on with my life.

Well! That's basically it, I ended up marrying my ex husband when I was 34. We got divorced when I was 39 because he was having an affair with his coworker (I have many colorful words for this man) And he left me when she got pregnant. They're married now and very unhappy (Baby wasn't even his so I guess small victories.)

Anyway, my life has improved a lot since me and Mark split. I genuinely believe what happened was for the best (Although I wish it ended on good terms) We were both young and needed to grow as individuals, I went back to college for a culinary degree, started my own catering company and I'm now very happy with my life and my cats.

My original degree was in accounting and I realized how much I hated it shortly after I left for my new job. So I was back in my original state for a wedding I was hired to cater for. This specific day (Yesterday) was a vacation day, so I told my team to just go have fun.

They went out for drinks, I opted out and decided to walk down memory lane a little bit, I was walking when I heard someone shout my name, followed by some loud car honks. I turn around and I see a man running up to me, and it takes me a few seconds to process who it is. (He's aged a bit) and he was very clearly out of breath.

Honestly, it felt like I was back in school with him. My heart fluttered and his ears did this thing they always do and they turned red when he was talking to me (I mean, it's winter so it was cold as shit too) and I just couldn't stop staring at him.

He asked the pleasantries, how was I doing? You look good. I've missed you. All that jazz. We talk for a bit longer and he asked me If I was married. I explain that I was divorced and asked him the same question, he said that he never married and has been single for a long time. I asked how things have been in general, and he explained that he now ran his fathers construction company, I was happy for him,

gave my congratulations and then he asked me out for dinner to catch up. I said yes, because truthfully I'd like to know what has happened in his life since I left. We exchanged numbers and had a hug goodbye, and I cant even explain how much I missed hugging him, everything just felt perfect.

So. why am I on here for advice? when I so clearly want to meet him for dinner? well I talked to some of my girl friends and they were appalled that I'd even consider seeing an ex who cheated. It's just dinner so I don't think its a big deal, but they were adamant that it was a bad idea and it started to make me think. Also, I kind of want to go just so we could talk about what happened back then.

We never really sat down and talked about his infidelity, and I cant lie that I'm a bit curious. Besides that, it's been 20 ish years and I've moved on, I've lived my life and im happy. He was someone I cared about deeply, and It'd be nice to have him back in my life (As a friend, I'm not expecting anything.) So..... advice? Surely it won't be a big deal if I go right?

What do you think she should do? This is what top commenters had to say:

Tiny-Afp said:

Go and enjoy your night! Life’s too short for what ifs. I’m not saying you need to date the guy, because clearly that’s not the intention, but hearing him out after all these years might help you mend the relationship and get the friend you lost back. Good luck!

sleepygirl08 said:

Oh my god. Please go and report back! You've both grown so much - at least talk to him:)

ProfPlumDidIt said:

Your girl friends need to hush. 24 and 44 are completely different people, first of all. He isn't the same man he was, and you aren't the same woman. It will hurt nothing and no one to eat a meal together and catch up.

Doing so doesn't obligate you to date him or see him again or even forgive him. OTOH, if you do choose to do any or all of those things, there's nothing wrong or bad about that as long as you feel like he's learned from his screw-ups and wouldn't repeat them. If you don't go, you'll always wonder "what if;" if you do go, you might gain a friend or at least closure.

And Careless_Welder_4048 said:

Let’s be honest it is a big deal, you moved your entire life because he wouldn’t leave you alone. But it’s been 20 years, I would say go but proceed with caution and update us.

OP took everyone's advice and had dinner with her ex-fiancé. Afterwards, as requested, she provided us with this juicy update:

Hi Hi! I'm back after our dinner. Short story? Dinner was great! It was amazing talking to him again, and even though we touched some emotional topics, it felt good being able to show that emotional connection we shared. Long story? We talked about a lot of things, neither of us really wanted it to end I don't think.

This man, Urgh. He remembered the restaurant we had our first date at and took me there. The restaurant no longer exists, but the building still does and it's a different chain now. The food left much to be desired, but it felt like a blast from the past and it was so heartwarming.

A bit of backstory. On our first date as semi adults, he came dressed in a suit (Despite the restaurant being lowkey) slicked back hair and some flowers. I remember how much we laughed because I was just wearing casual clothes and we looked like completely different vibes. Well he showed up today, in another suit, with slicked back hair (That is way out of style) and flowers, just like back then.

I felt all warm and I teased him for going back to the past. I made a comment about how he was missing his earing (He had a horrendous dangle earing back in the day because it was 'cool') and he smiled and took it out of his pocket. He couldn't put it on because his ear had since closed up, but he brought it because he wanted to 'complete the look' so he just held it.

We went through small talk. How life had been, any major events. I was sad to hear that his father had passed away in 2015. I wasn't exactly close with him but it was still disheartening. They repaired their relationship before he passed which is good at least. I asked about any partners, kind of a nosy "How come you never married?" and we kind of went onto a more emotional side of things.

He said that he tried, that he dated after we split, but it never worked out long enough to be long-term. He said that he had been single for a couple of years now and was just content on remaining like that as he didn't think he'd find someone he connected to like he did with me (Smooth talker)

He asked me about my marriage, the gory details. I didn't mind telling him since I find the whole thing a learning experience now. He was sympathetic, then laughed when I joked about it, so I'm sure he knows I'm not hung up on it.

I used this to kind of propel myself into what I wanted to ask, and that was about what happened back then. He smiled, said that he had been waiting to talk about it and that he was happy to finally air it all out.

In basic terms. After our argument that day, everything felt like too much. The pretty standard issues that I had already known about. He was embarrassed, felt like a failure and was too prideful to talk about it with me, so resentments built up and he went out to drink. That's where he met the lovely lady. They talked for a bit and flirted, which led to him drunkenly bringing her home.

He got a bit shy saying this part but I guess its just because he's embarrassed. Anyway, they were making out as they got in, she had started unbuttoning his shirt when he saw a picture of us together next to the couch. It was of a trip we took to Seattle and it was HELL. like no exaggeration, everything that went wrong could have, but a story for another time.

Anyway, he said that when he saw us, saw me, he was just hit with this massive sober moment, and he pulled away. He confessed that he had a fiancée, and that he was just going through it, he ended up opening up and venting to her and crying which is when I walked in and saw them embracing.

Honestly? It could be a lie, it could very well be some long term trickle truthing, but I just don't see the reason. Even if he was having an entire affair, I've gotten over it now so it wouldn't have made much difference, but at least I know who she is now (Because admittedly, it had been bugging me that I didn't recognize her at all)

He apologized again, he said that he should have told me the full truth back then instead of hiding it, but that in his opinion, his infidelity more than just a kiss, because he had the intention of doing it when he met her at the bar, so he couldn't blame it on a 'drunken decision' because he had plenty of time between the flirting and bringing her home.

He said that also felt like despite how it ended, it was ultimately the best outcome for the relationship at the time, because he needed to grow as a person, and that he was too ashamed to let me see him during that time. The time after when he tried to win me back, he was still in the 'I don't need change' phase and kept sending letters.

Once my father told him I left to another state, this was when he got into drinking heavily. I got a bit emotional as he was talking about this because it hurt to hear the state he was in while I left. His voice started breaking so I held his hand and we had a little moment (I screamed when I got to my hotel room) and I encouraged him to talk, so he let it out.

It took about 1.5 years for him to snap out of his drinking funk and get better. He sobered up, started working for his dad and made his way up. I'm honestly so proud of him in a weird way? I know I don't really have a right to. But I don't know, something about hearing how much he changed to better himself for him, made me really happy.

We took a dodge from the sappy subjects, we ate our food and talked. I can't even describe how good it felt! I was worried that it might be a bit awkward, but our conversation flowed so easily, it was like we never really parted. We made jokes, he still has this goofy grin whenever he's about to tell a stupid joke and it made my heart race slightly when I saw it! All in all, we had a good time!

He drove me back to my hotel, he asked how long I was staying and I said a week. He asked if we could plan something else and I said of course! He got a bit blushy (Red tipped ears) and he asked if I would be willing to forgive him after all this time, and possibly see if we could try again.

I said that I forgave him a long time ago, and that I wouldn't be against starting something again, but that we'd need to go slow because of our history. He got that goofy grin again and smiled, he held my hand and asked for a kiss, and I said yes! (So much for going slow)

I don't want to be overdramatic, but Jesus. we both had to take a minute to calm down after. It's like all of our emotions from the past just bottled out.

So! that's basically it, he waved me goodbye and we messaged once he got home. We phoned for a bit before bed and gushed over how nice the day was. I'm doing my skincare now but I had to come post this before bed! I took a lot of what you all said to heart, and you're right, life is too short for what ifs! I don't want to regret not taking this chance, so I'm going to go for it.

Thank you all for the comments! I'm not sure if there's a need to update after this, but if there is for whatever reason then I will! I probably missed some things from what happened, but if I remember I'll edit! Anyway, goodnight!

I'M NOT BLUSHING. YOU'RE BLUSHING.