Parents tell son his disabled brother is his responsibility, he says, 'I want nothing to do with him.' AITA?
"I can’t wait to abandon my disabled brother"
Desperate-War-5776
I told my parents this a few hours ago. For context I’m 18M, in my first year of college and waiting for there to be an affordable condo or apartment for my girlfriend and me to move into involving this predicament.
The other night, I had brought my girlfriend over as she had been having some issues at home and I invited her to come stay with me for a night or two just to let it settle down. We have been together for 3 years and she’s only been at my place a handful of times due to my brother’s violent outbursts.
During this stay my brother ended up attacking her unprovoked, grabbed her hair and managed to rip a chunk out and she couldn’t really fight him off until my mom and I managed to restrain him. At that point I was so fed up.
My girlfriend tried reassuring me that it was okay but she was also sobbing about it, and we ended up just sleeping in my car that night since she couldn’t head home and I didn’t want her in the same home as my brother.
Today my parents implied that I’d be the sole caretaker for him once they pass away and I immediately put my foot down. We’ve been trying to send him to a group home for years but the wait time was delayed due to the pandemic. He’s supposed to go in April 2024.
I told them that I’m not going to have anything to do with him once I’m out of here and my parents got upset that I would ‘abandon’ my brother like that. The thing is, I also never saw him as a brother and more of a fork in the road and I’ve been waiting for the day he is out of my life.
They said that he won’t be able to live on his own and I said to them that’s why there’s group homes. I also mentioned that my girlfriend and I want to get married and have children of our own and I will not be raising a 40 or so year old alongside my own children who could face the wrath of his outbursts.
They say I’m cold hearted but I don’t care.
Edit: my brother is 26.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this initial post:
Ariserestlessspirit
He doesn’t sound safe to be with. Young children with disabilities, but adults are so much bigger and stronger. He needs to be in a professional environment with people who have the ability to stop him when he turns violent.
I understand your parents are worried about him when they’re not around any more and they will be feeling a lot of guilt with this. But you’re absolutely right. He is not your responsibility. For everyone’s sake he needs to go to the group home.
Your parents will be able to see he is in a safe place and should stop pushing you to take him on. If they don’t you’re still right. You should not sacrifice the life of you and your girlfriend.
JonesinforJonesey
I think his parents have only worried about him. They don't treat OP like a son, he's been a spare parent and raised himself. The fact that he says 'we've' been trying to get him into a group home for years - those were years OP was growing up, he's only 18 NOW ffs yet he sounds like a 35yr old in this post.
They've tried to guide his career choice to get money out of him too, it's sick. You deserve a life for yourself OP. Take it and feel no guilt.
digi-cow
I'd argue its actually better he goes to a group home since they'll have trained staff there to help him with those outbursts 24/7. Theres no way you and your future family can handle him on your own.
flobaby1
You're so right. This is why they need to get him into a home now. They can visit, and he can stay overnight if he wanted to with them. It's time for the parents to see him cared for and know he'll be safe, and for them to have a life for themselves, like every parent does. It is safe and oversight is done by county and state. Source: I'm a caregiver.
The very next day, the OP returned with an update.
"re: my last post about my disabled brother"
Desperate-War-5776
We filed a police report. My girlfriend and I went to the police station earlier today to report this along with evidence that’ll surely get something going. Thank you all for the support, I didn’t expect this post to blow up and gain so much traction. I can continue updating on where this goes if you guys are interested. I’m trying to reach out to our case worker about this but to no avail.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update:
manutdfangirl
Your parents need to wake up and realise that this can’t go on for the rest of your life. It’ll effect your kids negatively. I am glad you pressed charges. I am so glad you stood up for her.
D_Mom
Sounds like parents had OP purposely to be a caretaker for their older child. This treatment instead almost guarantees that he walks on brother and parents as well he should.
survival-nut
The best possible scenario would probably involve you not getting much of an inheritance and most of the estate being put into trust for your brothers care. Your future family is your highest priority and you have to do what is right for them first.
Radiant_Maize2315
I don’t know how to tell OP’s parents that (in the US, at least) a lot of lawyers don’t have cash to spare. Pretty much only if you’re in Big Law or maybe something super niche. And even then, it depends on your student debt.
Anyway, I hope they get the brother into a group home so he can get the assistance he needs. I hope OOP’s girlfriend is okay. And I hope OP tells his parents to jump in a lake.
Corfiz74
Yes, please, give us updates! I hope this is the start of getting your brother into some kind of controlled environment.