Wife wants to move her parents in and send her husband's to a home. AITA? UPDATED
Making care decisions for your parents as they age is always difficult.
One woman was adamant that her parents would move in with them and her husband's parents would be put in a home. Her husband refused but she did have some very valid points. Now, lawyers will have to be involved and she and her husband seem to be making some different living situations of their own.
'AITA for wanting to move in my parents and not my husbands, and suggesting putting them in a nursing home'
I (35f) have owned our home since before marriage, and we have a prenup. In day to day life we refer to it as our home, but my husband (37m) has never paid anything towards it and has no legal rights to it.
All of our parents are still alive, but my husband and I were both the youngest children, and our parents are all much older.
His mom has some dementia, and his dad has some major mobility issues. They can no longer stay in their home. Due to MIL wandering the street recently, adult social services have been involved. He has two siblings, one is an addict and is in prison. The other has four kids and lives in a two bedroom apartment. Neither of his siblings can take them in, so it’s us or a nursing home.
Both of my parents are older, and have recently retired. They live in a major city, but can’t afford to live there on just retirement. They need to move. My older brother is dead so it’s just me that my parents can rely on.
I want to move my parents in with us. They’re both easygoing people and my husband gets along with them well. They also can contribute to the household finances. They wouldn’t be a burden on us at all.
My husband's parents just live off social security and are going into debt because of their medical costs. They would be a major burden on us, we’d have to take care of them and provide for them full time. My husband works much longer hours than I do so I’d be responsible for them. My in laws also aren’t very appreciative people, and I don’t like them.
I mentioned that I want to move my parents in with us and we could use the money we’d save from their financial help to put his parents in a decent home. He was furious.
He thinks we should take his parents in and my parents can just move somewhere cheaper and manage their own retirement funds fine. I don’t think this is reasonable at all.
I expressed that he doesn’t have time to look after his medically needy parents, nor can he afford in home health care. He said as his wife I should look after his parents out of love for him. I think his response is kind of BS to be honest.
I told him under no circumstances will his parents be moving in, and he’s welcome to move out and care for them elsewhere. I told him if he decides to stay I’ll respect his decision of not wanting my parents to move in, and I can look into other options for them.
AITA for not being willing to let my i laws move in but wanting my own parents to move in?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
NTA, you will carry the burden of doing the majority of the work. By the sounds of it, your in laws need people with proper medical training to properly take care of them.
The OP responded:
I previously worked as a nurse, now I wfh hospital admin, and that’s part of why he expects me to do it I think.
Let me guess, you’re going to have to take care of his parents and still be expected to work and bring in income.
The OP responded again:
Let me guess, you’re going to have to take care of his parents and still be expected to work and bring in income.
Yeah, no. Hard pass.
Later the same day, the OP returned with a pretty severe update:
I spoke to my husband for an hour about it. I think he thought I would cave but I’m not. Our marriage is done. And honestly, I’m okay with it. I bring a lot more to the table, and I’m ready to be with someone who’s an equal partner.
Certain aspects of his culture I admire, but the relentless idea of sacrificing everything so your parents are comfortable is something I don’t agree with. They’ve always treated me poorly and I’m not willing to sacrifice for them.
My husband packed some clothes, and is going to stay on his friends couch for a while. I’m going to move my parents in later this month, and I’m going to change the locks and move his stuff out to a storage unit tomorrow. He can’t afford a lawyer so I’ll find one to represent us both, and that’ll be it.
I don’t know what he’ll do about his parents, and I don’t care. He doesn’t make enough to pay for their care, so they’re probably going to go to the only nursing home in the area that works with Medicare. It’s a truly awful place rampant with abuse and neglect, which does suck for them. But they treated me like sh*t so, that’s life I guess.
Edit: A lawyer can’t represent us both apparently, and can only mediate us both. Sh*tty but whatever. I’ll get myself one and if he can’t come up with the money I’ll get whoever’s cheapest I guess.
Here were the top rated comments after the update:
Absolutely! Up End TMF it's his job, go & live with his parents & not his mate... S F brains! He's waiting patiently for her to give in! NO NO NO get rid ASAP
Update/edit is the outcome I was hoping for reading this.
Lazy, entitled tool bag. Good riddance to him.
NTA, but you're pretty lucky your husband can't afford a lawyer bc in most places, he does have legal rights to remain living there, and your plan of putting his stuff in storage and changing the locks on him is not super duper legal without giving proper notice, etc.
Definitely NTA! His parents need actual medical assistance and yours function and are still able to help financially. You’re making the right choice.
NTA. Looks like everything worked out for the best, I've read way too many of these were the OP gives in to their sh*tty partners selfishness and it never ends well.