'AITA for belittling my sister?' UPDATED
"AITA for belittling my sister?"
Able-Stop684
My husband and I (29M, 27M) went through the surrogacy process and had our son 4 months ago. We were thrilled when my sister (31F) announced her pregnancy and we found out we would be having children very near the same time.
Our niece was born a little over two months after our son. My situation and my sister's closely mirror each other. Our husbands both work typical 9 to 5s with 30 - 45 minute commutes. My sister is a SAHM and I do freelance work from home.
For the first two weeks after our son was born (the first of which my husband took off of work), we would both take partial night shifts. Once I felt like I had at least some of my bearings on parenthood, I offered to take over completely on week nights, while he does mornings before work + weekends.
It's a collaborative process and that breakdown of parenting just made sense to me. My husband was the one leaving our home to work every day, he was the one who had to be up by a specific time and make a drive.
At 4 months, we no longer have this obstacle anymore (and to be honest, I kind of miss the sweet, quiet bonding time those extra night feeds provided now that he's settled into a nice sleep schedule and usually only wakes up once.)
Still, I think we got it down to almost the perfect science before we exited the newborn stage. My sister, on the other hand, is very much still in that phase and struggling.
This has been a recurring problem for her from the beginning. She has been coming to me saying she's scared she's going to fall asleep holding the baby, that her husband won't help her with the night feeds, etc. I tried to give her tips since I've been through it.
I suggested she let her partner take over in the evenings (~6 to 9pm) so she can go to bed early and catch a few more hours, nap when baby naps, etc.. She shot down everything saying "that wouldn't work for them" and that she just needed her partner to do some of the night feedings.
I reminded her that her husband is the one commuting in the mornings and falling asleep while driving was a very real possibility, and that I had lived through it and so could she. I then offered to watch her daughter for a few days so she could catch up on sleep.
She took major offense to both of these things. She said I was belittling her experience and acting like I was a better parent. She said I couldn't truly empathize with her or give her valuable tips since she had been pregnant and I hadn't.
She told me that me offering to watch my niece just felt like me saying she needed help raising her own daughter. My intentions were definitely not malicious and I'd like some outside perspective here. AITA?
Here were the top rated updates from readers:
itsjustmo_
YTA. I'm sorry that your husband is so useless as an equal partner. If you're cool with that, fine. But for you to tell another woman how to manage conflict in her marriage is gross and out of line. Your sister wants her child's father to do his fair share of raising their child.
She is hardly unreasonable for that. You need to nip.your sh*tty judgemental attitude in the bud before you find yourself with no friends at all. Other mothers will not put up with you being so disrespectful about things that are literally none or your business.
angelwarrior_
Not only that, her body is still postpartum too. This dude is absolutely TA! I agree with you 100%!
Cheesehead_beach
That’s the part that really got me but gosh when your first child is easy, you feel like you’ve done something right and you’re such a great parent, and then next child comes along and humbles the hell out of you.
Yup. Dude hired a woman as a rent-a-womb to acquire a baby and has no clue what that woman risked and has had to recover from because she carried and delivered that child.
Surrogacy is inherently exploitive. I’m not surprised this guy has no f^%^$#g clue and no f&^%$#g compassion for women.
Able-Stop684 OP responded:
This is a very nuanced topic. Our surrogate carrying for us was truly out of her love for being pregnant and her desire to provide couples who can't have children, with children. Her and her husband are in a very stable financial place, this is not something she does out of necessity.
There are, of course, exploitative practices that occur. Anything where money is exchanged can be exploitative. The adoption industry is not immune to this, either.
In the end, it came down to what we felt was right for us. I think people severely underestimate the challenges of adoption. Some of these children don't have concrete medical records.
There are diseases and disorders that they might be predisposed to, and we as parents would be none the wiser of what to possibly look out for. We didn't feel confident enough as first time parents to take on adoption or fostering.
That's not to deter people away from adopting. It's something my husband and I will consider if/when we're ready for baby number two. Both practices have their pros and their cons. I think what it comes down to is being honest with yourself and your partner about what you're capable of handling, and being as vigilant as possible looking out for possible exploitation going on.
DuggyPap
He’s mansplaining motherhood to a woman.
superb-penguin
I'm not gong to be as cruel as the other commenters, or try to belittle the fact that you're a parent, because you are!! But she unfortunately IS going through more than you did. Being pregnant is EXHAUSTING, believe me, I've done it twice.
Your body isn't going through the same process as hers is. She's healing, dealing with insane emotions, and hormonal changes. You're obviously going through a huge life change as well, but again it's not on the level that she is.
I'm a SAHM as well, and my husband works. I've got two children, (4 and 1) and with our second he was able to help out significantly more than the first. Now not every night, but sometimes when I got very little sleep, he would get up and heat breast milk and feed our baby at night, even when he had to work the next day.
She shouldn't demand help, but she also shouldn't HAVE to demand help. Her husband should just do it. It's his kid too. You will come to learn that being a SAHP is a whole job in of itself. Usually when my husband gets home nowadays, I go and take about 30 minutes to myself.
If I wasn't able to do that(and I know some people cant) I'd be so stretched thin it's crazy. My kids stress me out lol especially the little one. She is such a quizzical kid, into literally everything all the time. I can't keep my eyes off her for a second. Anyway, I think you should apologize. I won't call you an AH, but you were kind of wrong in your assumption.
After going through the comments from the readers, the OP responded:
Able-Stop684
I have apologized because I was definitely the a**hole for those comments, even if I didn't intend to be. My sister accepted said apology and hopefully moving forward I can truly be the listening ear she needed and not someone who offers solutions that weren't asked for, especially when our circumstances aren't all that similar.
My husband has clearly been taking on MANY more parenting duties than hers, and she and my niece both deserves better than that.