'AITA for revealing to my dad’s wife the real reason he and I were never close?' UPDATED
"AITA for revealing to my dad’s wife the real reason he and I were never close?"
My dad practically gave me up to his sister from the moment I (27M) was born. My mom died when she was giving birth to me. And my aunt told me he never recovered from that because he blamed me for her dying.
It hurt a lot as a kid that at family events he would ignore my existence. When I was a little older he got more vocal about me “killing” her and he can’t stand to look at my face.
You can imagine the amount of therapy that put me in. I used to go to church crying because I was scared about going to hell for doing that to my mom. That’s how much his words f*%$#d me up.
But the s@*%$y part was that I never stopped trying to be accepted by him. After my high school graduation he told me to never bother him again since he legally has no obligation to me anymore (since he was sending my aunt money to take care of me). Around that time is when I finally started accepting that reality so from there we moved on with our lives.
My aunt doesn’t talk to me about him. Sometimes my grandparents do and that’s how I found out he got married. They were mad he didn’t invite me to their wedding but to me it didn’t matter because we’re not close.
But it was his wife who wanted to meet me. It’s the first time ever that he wants to make contact and it was to pretty much say she wants me on their life. She doesn’t know the real reason about why we’re estranged, he asked me to please not say anything and maybe this could be a way to reconcile after all.
But he was only doing it for her. That much was clear when we talked. I never said I would be he still insisted on us meeting at their place because she really wanted to meet me.
All she thinks is we were estranged for not getting along in my teenager years, going to college and losing touch because of “life stuff.” It pissed me off that he played it off as us just not talking for petty reasons meanwhile the actual reason damaged me for years.
I told her the truth. Everything he said to me. That he was never a parent to me, that was all my aunt. It was definitely a shock for her.
The outcome was a disaster. Everyone has heard about this now. My grandma’s in particular told me she understands my anger. But this was his chance finding someone since losing my mom and now it’s been put in jeopardy.
My dad is devastated. They think it was going too far to ruin his marriage that way when he was willing to include me in their lives which could have been the start of our relationship. And they say not only did I ruin that but also possibly wrecked his marriage. She just doesn’t agree at all with what he did and it could’ve been avoided if I didn’t say anything.
For me it was hard not to tell the truth after the lies made it seem like it was nothing serious. I couldn’t ignore what happened after what he did. Idk if it was the right call since it put their whole marriage at risk after all.
Here is what readers had to say after the initial post:
Dude, NTA. Your Dad is a Grade A double cheese a**hole from hell with a special topping of a**@ole served with a**hole sauce. He deserves every bit of what happened to his second marriage because he presented himself as a different person than he is.
I am sorry you had to go through this. I wish you strength and may you find more people who love you unconditionally.
NTA. Ah, karma. If the truth ruined his marriage, that's on him. He should've gone to therapy after your mom died. He instead treated you like sh*t your whole life for something that could have never been your fault. Now he's facing consequences beyond estrangement.
Everyone should be pissed at his hiding the truth. But a**holes always prefer to shoot the messenger.
If something can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth.
NTA. She has the right to know the true man she married. Also, I am so sorry you had to endure all that. Your aunt sounds like an incredible person, and despite everything, I hope you are doing as well as you can be under the circumstances.
NTA. Saying you lost touch due to tumultuous times as a teenager and distance in college is making the fault of your estrangement mutual. It was not mutual. He lashed out with horrifying, inaccurate and traumatizing language throughout your childhood and abandoned you immediately after birth.
He is absolutely deserving of every complication his torment of you brings him. If he could not raise you or treat you with respect, he should have never associated with you.
His wife was owed the truth because your trauma and abandonment were perpetuated up to and through their wedding. He was not just someone who couldn't raise their child due to his own trauma, he created trauma. He could have found love long ago if he wasn't so hard hearted.
Several months later, the OP returned with an update:
Words can’t express how much it meant to me getting so much love from my last post. Everyone who supported not just my actions but also acknowledge the hurt.
To all the sweet internet moms who commented and DM’d me, y’all know how to make someone feel loved even by total strangers lol. Since so many people wanted an update here it is, it’s a little heavy and for a while I needed some time to process it and do some crying.
They’re splitting up. Heard it first from my grandma then from his wife , or I guess ex? She was legit crying on the phone when she called to tell me sorry for putting me in that position.
Her and my dad had a longer conversation where he told her everything else he did so she made the decision she can’t stay with someone like him. And she wanted me to know how disgusted she is, also to tell me thanks which is something I really needed to hear.
My dad is who he is yeah, but regardless, two people splitting their marriage because of what you said is a hard thing not to feel guilty about.
This lady is heartbroken about going through divorce just a few months after getting married and she wanted to make the time to reassure someone else that they made the right choice. Unexpectedly though my dad wanted us to talk yesterday too. My girlfriend again didn’t want me to.
Trust me I get her point (she’s the one who didn’t want me having dinner with them in the first place), for one thing we didn’t know what he wanted to talk about and what would that do to my mental health. It was probably a bad risk to take but I met with him. And yeah I should listen to my girlfriend more when it comes to this stuff…
First time in my life I think we had a conversation about my mom. How much he loved her, them being happy and excited about having a family. But then she died and he told me even if it’s wrong he can’t ever not blame me because simply, if I hadn’t been born, she’d still be here. He’s only sorry for not completely staying away from me and saying horrible things growing up.
While he wasn’t saying this to be malicious since he seem sincere it was still an ouch for me. In the end we decided having a relationship with each other was never gonna happen and said goodbye. He at least apologized for trying to put me in that position. First good thing he ever did was tell me that what happened with his wife wasn’t my fault .
Then I just went home and cried. Had my day to process, a short therapy session and support from both my aunt and girlfriend to get me through. The rest of my family is leaving me alone at least so glad that in the end it was resolved. Not a total happy ending I know but in the end it’s better this way
Here were the top comments from readers after this latest update:
his late wife would be ashamed of him
I thought the same thing. If his late wife had known this about him she would have rejected him outright long before OP came into the picture. He threw away the only piece of his late wife he had left. What a pathetic man.
I'm so so sorry your dad is a failure as a dad and as a person. I'm just an internet randomer but please know that none of this at all is on you.
They aren't splitting because of what you said, but because of what he did. She's heartbroken because the person she thought she loved didn't exist, but was a facade made up by your dad.
Honestly given how genuinely terrible your dad seems to be, you've given this woman a gift by showing her now while she can get out easily. How could she have kids with a man who's ok treating his kids like to that?
You gave that woman the best possible gift she could ever have: honesty. Something that she clearly didn't get from her own husband which is a 2nd tragedy in all this. The truth of what happened would have eventually come out at some point so the best thing for you and for her was what happened WHEN it happened.
Live in the light and love well - you deserve all of life's blessings ~
Your father still has a lot of growing up to do because, based on his flawed logic, it's all his fault for getting her pregnant but that's besides the point.
I hope life gets better from now on and it's great that you have your aunt and gf's support, hope you're able to heal from all the damage he's done to you.