'AITA for asking my family to try and make my dad let me move in with him?' UPDATED
"AITA for asking my family to try and make my dad let me move in with him?"
St23mv
I'm 15M, living with my mom since she and my dad divorced. My dad just got married to a woman with two sons (13 and 8 years old) and they all moved into her house. Where I'm currently living with my mom isn't great, especially compared to where my dad lives now. Even the schools there are much better.
I talked to my mom about it, and she thought it might be a good idea for me to live with my dad for the sake of the better school. So, I brought up the idea to my dad. He told me he needed to think about it and would get back to me. After a few days, he told me it wasn't possible.
Naturally, I asked him why, and he explained that their house only has three bedrooms (theirs and one for each of his sons). He said this is a new phase in their lives and they need time to adjust to living together.
He also mentioned that my stepbrothers and I haven't spent much time together, so there's a chance of conflicts arising. He thinks I should get to know my stepbrothers better before making a big change that could disrupt the family dynamics.
I didn't agree with his answer, though. I told him I'd be totally fine sharing a room with my 13-year-old stepbrother, and we've never had any issues when we've hung out. I also pointed out that saying no to this opportunity could seriously affect my college plans, given that the school in that area is much better.
I explained that I spend a lot of time at school studying or in extracurricular activities, so I'll not impact a lot in family dynamics. I'm very obedient and I'll do all chores that they need at house. I'll spend the weekends at my mom house. But he stuck to his decision.
I really want to move-in, so I reached out to my grandparents and uncles to talk to my dad. They had a chat with him, and he called me afterward, pretty angry. He said I should've accepted his first answer and now the whole family is against him, thinking he's not acting correctly. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
No_Exam8234
Mom and you go back to court for enough support to live in that school district. A judge will listen to your valid educational requests.
Civil-Rain-8025
The premise of child support is that the child should have equal economic advantages/disadvantages in both households. You should be able to attend the better school district, an equivalent public school district or private school, not be penalized educationally because you live with your mom. The disparity needs to be fixed.
SnooWords4839
NTA - Your dad should be happy to have you live with them, he is choosing his stepsons over you.
Edited to add - Have mom make dad pay for you to attend a better school.
The OP provided a small update the same day.
"I wanna live with my dad, but I can't seem to get him to be cool with it."
St23mv
I get that their house doesn't have enough rooms for each kid, but I'm willing to share. I understand it's a different dynamic for those used to having a room to themselves, but it's new for me too. I admit I don't know my stepbrothers that well, but up until now, I've never had any relationship issues with anyone in my life.
I've always been respectful and helped with chores, and that wouldn't change now. I don't understand where the fear that I could cause harm to them is coming from. I genuinely see this opportunity as really important, but I'm at a loss for how to convince my dad to let me live with them. I'm in need of ideas.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this update:
Nvnv_man
You might be willing to share. Apparently, those boys are not. They do not want to have to share. They are accustomed to how it is.
And it’s more than that. The stepmom is not on board with suddenly having a teenager, not her kid, but a new one, there. She doesn’t know what the discipline rules would be. And it’s too new and scary. Then, there’s a change in child support.
You need your Mom to advocate for you. She can ask for some part-time living-with scenario. And would re-evaluate whether it’s working out. Your mom needs to pressure your dad. That he’s not setting you up with the best opportunities in life.
cbeanxx
I know you’re only a teen but you need to grow up a bit here. You’re being very selfish. Why would you want to be somewhere you’re clearly not wanted? It’s your stepmom’s house. It’s not like your dad bought the house with her.
Two days later, the OP provided another update.
"UPDATE - AITAH for insisting on living with my dad to attend a better school?"
St23mv
Well, I guess any chance of me studying near my stepmom's house is over. A few days ago, I messaged my dad asking what time he'd pick me up on Friday to spend the weekend at their place. He didn't respond. So, I asked again and he said he wouldn't be picking me up, that I wouldn't be spending the weekend there. I asked why, and he said it's not his weekend, it's the next one.
I was really p*@sed off by this, because he never used to use the "weekend is his or not" excuse. Before he got married, we spent practically every weekend together. To me, this showed that he truly chose his "new" family over me. He knew I was already upset about the school situation, and he did this to show that I'm not welcome there.
I told him that it's okay for him to choose his "new" family, but he didn't need to pick me up anymore, that he could just forget I exist and I'd do the same. I logged into Instagram to block him, and I saw a picture of him at an amusement park with my stepbrothers, and he had written: "Me and my boys." He didn't even invite me to go with them, I have no idea when that was. He truly excluded me from his life.
I got even more furious and sent him a message telling him to enjoy having 2 sons now instead of just one, and that I wanted him to go f*** himself. My dad called me multiple times. I answered once and he started scolding me, saying I'm acting like a child, and I hung up on him and didn't pick up again. He sent several messages saying he wants to talk to me.
I was really naive in this whole situation. He replaced me months ago. I couldn't bike to school because of the knee surgeries I had, and I just realized now that he never once took me to school. It was always my grandparents or my mom.
Lately, I've seen him very little and I thought it was because of the surgeries and recovery, but apparently, he only had space for "every other weekend," whereas before his new family, he was always available for me. My mom is upset with me too. She says I lost my reason, that I have to talk to my dad, that I'm not behaving appropriately. As far as I'm concerned, I'll never talk to my dad again.
Now I'm gonna spend the night locked up in my room because if I step out, my mom's gonna try to force me to talk to him. I don't know if I'm doing right or wrong, but right now I'm just really angry and sad. I never thought my dad could replace me like this, I thought he truly cared about me.
People are saying that my mom is taking my dad's side. Nope. She doesn't want me to be in a fight with my dad. She's saying that we need to talk, listen to each other. I guess no mom wants her kid to be in a fight with their dad. But I don't want to talk to my dad tonight.
He sent a lot of messages last night. He's saying that we need to talk in person, that I'm misunderstanding everything. He came over early this morning, but I told my mom I didn't want to talk to him and locked myself in my room. He wants to come tonight to talk.
Here were the top rated comments after this latest update:
QYB1990
Your "father" is a PATHETIC "man", a LOSER!!! Take care of yourself kid, focus on YOU now!!! Go kick a** in school and always remember "the best form of revenge is to live well."
hideme21
Hun. Leave your room. Go get some water. When your mom try’s to talk to you about it turn to her and take a breath. Calmly look her in the eye and say something like:
“I know you want what’s best for me. And I know that you care. But right now I need you to trust me when I say that talking to him is too painful right now. And doing it will do more damage to our relationship. I need space and it’s not his time right now. And maybe it would be best if he doesn’t have time for a while.”
Ignore her or shut it down if she try’s to rebuttal, whichever you’re more comfortable. Take your water to your room. And stay hydrated.
Material_Cellist4133
Wow your adults are failing you. Your mom needs to take her head out of her a**. Your dad is abandoning you. It is not a small thing. She needs to wake the f*@k up to recognize what your father is doing to you. But you need to explain it to her with words.
And I am very sorry about how your father is treating you. Treat him exactly how he treats you. Remember he is the adult not you. You are a child who got a horrible father. You deserve better. Refocus your energy on your education and extracurricular activities so you get go to college and get a better life for yourself. Be your own advocate. We redditors believe in you!
The OP returned with an update 4 days later.
"UPDATE 2 - AITAH for insisting on living with my dad to attend a better school?"
St23mv
Sorry for the delay in updating you all. I couldn't come here earlier due to being grounded, and you'll understand why. I talked to my dad, but I told him I'd only talk if my mom was there too. The three of us sat down at the table. My mom said I'd be the first to speak, but when I started talking, she said it wasn't what I should say and that I should apologize first.
So, I apologized to my dad for swearing at him. Then, right after, my mom said I'm grounded for two weeks for swearing at my dad, stating that nothing justifies swearing at your own father. It's my first time being grounded in my life.
Then, it was my dad's turn to talk. He said I'm being immature and unfair. He explained that he has other people in his life who are important now, so he can't give me the same attention as before. I tried to talk, and my mom told me to listen quietly and that I'd have my chance to speak later.
He mentioned that I act like everything has to be according to my will and circled back to the school situation. He told my mom that I talked to my grandparents and uncles, and my mom got upset about that, adding another week to my grounding.
And when I tried to complain, she said she was disappointed in me for not understanding that I should respect my parents' decisions, so I figured it would be better not to argue further, as it would extend my grounding. So, I'm grounded for three weeks now, both for swearing at my dad and not respecting his decision.
Finally, he said he's always done everything to be present in my life and give me the best he can. He said he feels unjustly treated after years of dedication, and I treat him like he's done nothing for me. I have to agree that he was very present and dedicated until recently, but I can't feel that anymore.
When I started talking, my mom said if my tone got aggressive, the conversation would end, as it's meant to be a friendly discussion, not a fight. I tried to stay as calm as possible so that the conversation wouldn't end before I could express what I was thinking.
I said I understood that there are more people I need to share my dad's attention with now. However, these people are always with him since they live together, and the little time I'd have with him would only be on weekends.
I mentioned that for the first time, he brought up the legal aspect that I'm only entitled to be with him every other weekend. I said this showed that he deliberately chose to decrease the time we spend together.
I also said that having new people around doesn't mean he can forget about my feelings or me. I told him that the photo he posted at the Amusement Park with the caption "Me and my boys" hurt me deeply. My mom hadn't seen the photo, so I showed it to her, and she was upset with my dad too.
I said I understood the difficulty of me moving to my stepmom's house, but I felt extremely unjustly treated by the arguments presented. It was as if my stepbrother's difficulty sharing a room with me was just as important as a good educational opportunity for me.
I said he should be concerned about my future, but it seems like the only opinions that matter are those of his new kids. He said I was misinterpreting things but that he'd be more careful about posting pictures and captions that could hurt me.
About the weekend issue, he said we're all still adjusting, and indeed, he'd like me to be able to come over every weekend like it used to be. But now he needs more predictability since more people are involved. I mentioned again that he was putting others' desires ahead of mine and that my wishes were never a priority compared to theirs. This showed me that he had a preference.
He fell silent for a moment and then said he'd fix this situation. I'll always be welcome to visit and stay where he lives. He also said he wouldn't bring up the "every other weekend" visitation arrangement again. He said the school issue is more complicated but that he's still looking into a solution.
He again said I need to understand that circumstances change, and I'm still his priority, but now there are more people involved. He mentioned he knows it's not easy for a 15yo, but I'm smart enough to know he's speaking the truth.
He invited me to spend the weekend with him, but I declined, saying I don't feel welcome at this moment. He said he loves me and that if I ever doubt that at any point, I can call him.
So, that's where we are. We're at a bit of an impasse. He's been sending me several messages every day to show he's there for me. I feel like I'm being a bit unfair to him. On the other hand, I feel like his new family doesn't want me around. I don't know where this will lead, but I appreciate the support from those who wrote in the last posts.
As I mentioned, I'm grounded right now, so I don't have much time to respond. I just wanted to say that I think you guys are being a bit hard on my dad and my mom. My mom didn't punish me when I slammed the door in her face and locked myself in my room in the middle of the week. She knew I could get upset, like I did during the week, and the conversation wouldn't lead anywhere, as is normal with us teenagers.
She stood by me, for example, in the situation with the photo. So cut them some slack, she's trying to maintain a balance between supporting me and exercising parental control. Of course, I don't like to be grounded and don't agree totally, but she has her points.
I'm still sad about the situation with my dad. But I see that part of the conversation was positive, he told me to forget about the every other weekend thing and that I can go whenever I want. He's been sending me messages, even my 13-year-old stepbrother messaged me inviting me over. So I can see that he's making an effort, but I didn't want to go over there this week.
That's why I said I'm in a bit of a dilemma. At the same time, I don't feel comfortable going to his house, but I've seen an effort from him in these last few days after the conversation. And if I don't go, I'll never build a relationship and feel more at ease.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this additional update:
TheSpicyTriangle
“You get to talk first.”
“I’m unhappy because-“
“No, no, not like that.”
The OP responded here:
St23mv
LOL. Exactly this.
GreenOnionCrusader
Love how your mom said, "you get to speak first" and then went, "no, not like that. Apologize and you're grounded because f*ck you and now you have to listen to him and don't you dare get emotional or you won't get a chance to talk." Lovely woman, your mother. Has all the warmth and charm of a frozen hamburger patty.
First_Alfalfa2805
You're not being unfair to anyone. It's the other way, actually. Your parents are treating you as though your opinion doesn't matter. Yes,you shouldn't have sworn at your father but he has shown who is more important to him and it wasn't you.
Your mother is being unreasonable by grounding you this way. But I must admit, I'm proud of you for refusing to visit your father. Hang in there. You won't be 14 forever.
Steve3124
Just curious, did you ever just bluntly say “I don’t feel like your new family wants me around?” If so, what was his response?
The OP again responded:
St23mv
I said that I didn't feel welcome there, and he said I shouldn't feel that way. He promised to do his best to ensure I don't feel that way. He told me he loves me and that I shouldn't feel anything different from that.
About a week later, the OP returned with a final update.
"UPDATE 3 - AITAH for insisting on living with my dad to attend a better school?"
St23mv
My mom already lifted my punishment; I didn't stay grounded for that entire time. I actually got closer to her during those days of punishment, which was good because we talked a lot. My dad continues to message me every day. He's been making an effort to ensure I don't feel rejected.
Last weekend, I went to my stepmom's house, and it was interesting because I think I finally understood that my dad was right; I was being spoiled and trying to force my move there. I was there on Saturday afternoon, and a neighbor kid came to talk to my stepbrother, and I overheard part of the conversation. The neighbor asked if he could sleep over, and my stepbrother said no because I was there.
I felt really bad about that. It was probably the first time I understood that my presence there would impact a lot for everyone in the house, and I was being really selfish by not putting myself in their shoes and understanding this.
My stepmom married my dad with certain expectations for their life, and suddenly, I unilaterally wanted to change that life. And they probably can't afford a bigger house in the same neighborhood to accommodate me.
Of course, if something happened to my mom, they'd take me into their home. But forcing a situation that they likely discussed before getting married was wrong and selfish. I think I was too focused on the ends justifying the means. I value my education a lot, so I was trying to force a situation that would, at the very least, be unpleasant.
I was also selfish when I demanded that my dad include me in everything, like in the photo at the amusement park. I still don't like what he wrote, but he'll have to have moments alone with my stepbrothers.
Anyway, that's it. I don't think there will be any more updates after this. I've learned my lesson that I need to listen to others more, put myself in their shoes, and control my reactions, which can be unfair. So, I've discovered that AITA in this story is me. Again, thanks for the supportive messages.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
formergnome
You sound like a nice kid, OP, and I really hate that people have made you feel selfish and like a burden for wanting a better education and more time with your father.
The fact of the matter is, your stepmom is an adult and chose to marry someone who had a child. Any vision of her life that involved no concessions, accommodations, or adjustments on her part is both highly unrealistic and deeply selfish.
As for not being able to have a sleepover, I highly doubt that your stepbrother can only ever accommodate a single visitor at a time. I could be wrong, but it reads to me like he’s trying to spend more time with you. Either way, the “sacrifice” of not having sleepovers sometimes is a minor one.
You deserve equal consideration and respect as your stepbrothers and it doesn’t seem like you’re getting that. You also deserve to spend time with your own father, regardless of it “inconveniencing” your stepfamily.
I’m not saying any of this to try and convince you to go against your parents and to keep fighting over the schooling issue; I am saying it because I don’t think you know that you and your feelings do matter just as much as anybody else.
AwkwardDobod5167
You were not selfish. Blended families need to adjust. If they wanted to have you, they would have found a way.
KittenDealinMama
OP has an incredibly mature outlook but my heart is still breaking for him.
imothro
You're not selfish. You were never the a**hole. You weren't upending their lives. The only people not demonstrating empathy are your parents. You have learned the wrong lessons. It is depressing to see how they have emotionally beaten your spirit out of you. Your sh*t parents have won and completed their brainwashing to make you accept less than you deserve from them.
SorchitaFilly
Oh dear. Sweetheart, your father just gaslit you. You are supposed to be part of the package together with your dad, just like your step siblings are with their mom. I'm sorry your dad has left you out of the equation. He could have at least invited you to the amusement park with his step sons.
I think you should seek some counseling services because my sense is that you are a people pleaser and while you found your ‘voice’ for a second, you immediately caved when confronted and are now taking the scraps he’s offering.