Daughter won't let parents share bed; says, 'you never respected my relationships.' AITA?
"AITA for not allowing my parents to sleep in the same bed?"
I think you know where this is going but there’s no definitive answer on who’s in the wrong. Also, for simplicity sake I’ll be saying parents but it is my mother and step father. My mother and stepdad have been together since I was little.
So, I’m a 25yr old woman with two older siblings, both male. When we were growing up, we were never allowed girlfriends or boyfriends to spend the night, which I felt was fair enough. When my brothers got to about 16, however, their girlfriends were allowed to spend nights but they had to sleep in the spare room. Again, fair. That makes sense to me.
I was always somewhat of a tomboy so, as you can imagine, teen boys didn’t show much interest in me romantically, so I didn’t get my first boyfriend until I was already 18. My parents wouldn’t allow him to spend the night at all, despite us both being over 18.
I wouldn’t have minded if my brothers had been held to that standard but I felt as if they were favoured over me. It isn’t even because they disliked my boyfriend at the time either. Everyone seemed to love him.
That relationship didn’t last more than 6ish months so I dropped it after a while. I got with my now fiancé when I was 22 and we’ve been engaged for a year.
We’re getting married in only a few months. Still, just like every time before, my parents wouldn’t allow him to spend the nights until a few months after we got engaged after I brought it up to them.
It wasn’t a conflict, but they knew I was irritated and allowed him to start using the spare room. We moved in together not long after so it didn’t really matter. Now, her is where I may be an a**$ole.
My mother asked about wedding planning, the first time she even contacted me since the move, and I told her I still had a lot to sort out but I was getting through it and she practically insisted on coming up to me and having a week of ‘mother daughter bonding time’ where she could help me with wedding planning.
My fiancé isn’t a very social person and is happy to be the money bags behind my wedding decisions hehe. He just likes to give little opinions and I’m sure to include them when he does.
My parents arrived and we spent the first day going out to dinner. I’d like to point out that the two aren’t married and are steadfast that they won’t be getting married again, both of them divorced already, my stepdad twice.
So, as the night was slowing down they asked to be shown to their room. I directed my mother to one guest room and my stepfather to another. We have a three bedroom with no kids yet so we have the space. My mother said that there was plenty of room in one for them both of them and instructed my stepdad to come in with her.
I explained that, just like she told me, it was my house and i didn’t want them sharing a bed in my house. I basically repeated word for word what she would tell me when I’d complain about my brothers getting better treatment than me when it came to their partner.
I told her that actually, they were in the same position I was in because neither of us were married. She tried saying it was different because they had been together for almost 20yrs.
I told them that it didn’t matter because this is my house and my decision is final, just like how my mother would shut down any discussions about it back then. I was sure to mention how my brothers were allowed their partners and I wasn’t but she claimed I was ‘making it up.’
They stayed the night and left for home the next day, which i preferred because I was happy wedding planning on my own, and I haven’t heard from them since. My grandmother has called to tell me off for it though so I’m wondering if I am in the wrong? AITAH?
Edit: a lot of people are confused. At my mothers house, we were not allowed to ever sleep in the same bed. Ever. Only months after we got engaged did my mother allow him to sleep in the spare room.
Also, I said I don’t mind the rules they have. It’s their home but it was the double standard for me. I had to wait until 25 to have my fiancé stay at my house when my brothers could have whoever they wanted from 16.
We were engaged by the time they let him. I was no longer a child and it’s not like I’ve been holding on to resentment for years after it stopped, as some misguided people claim. It was months ago it ended.
Also, my intention was never to make them sleep the whole week separately. It was initially a ‘now the power is in my hands. Do you see the error of your ways?’ If they did, we could have moved on and laughed about it, and they would have slept in the same bed.
Because they didn’t and doubled down and started getting aggressive with ME, claiming I was ‘making things up,’ I stuck to it. I know I am being a**@ole-y, but am I THE a*%@ole in the situation I’m in?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Nta they aren't even engaged. They are just boyfriend/girlfriend. Maybe if they get married you can revisit this issue.
This would be a good one for r/MaliciousCompliance too. I don't think I'd call you an AH; after all, you're treating them in exactly the way they treated you and what's good for the goose and all that. Bottom line is that as you say, your house, your rules and if you choose to make them abide by the same rules you had to, even if it seems petty, that's your choice.
NTA. This level of petty is epic.
Are you petty AF? Yes. In the best way possible 😆
Are you the AH? Nope. As far as I'm concerned you're only going based off of the lessons you were taught as a child and the rules of your home should be respected as you were expected to when you stayed there. They should be proud that you're using the things they taught you lol. Grandma is an AH tho.
NTA. OP tried reasoning with them for years but was respectful of their rules while in their house despite the s#xism. Mom just decided she should be all involved with the wedding planning with no actual invite from OP to do so or to visit for a week.
With one, admittedly petty move, OP has reworked the power dynamic of the relationship. Mom now knows OP will be in charge of her own life.
Petty? Yes. Mature? Not really. Effective? Boy howdy, yes! When people are reasonable, communication and compromise are key to a good relationship. When they are steamrolling hypocrites? One petty power move does wonders to keep them from trampling your boundaries.