Mom shocked when SIL demands to raise her baby; 'You already have two kids!' UPDATED 3X

"Entitled SIL wants custody of my baby..."

Background: Me (36f) SIL (40f) I’ve been married to her brother for over 10 years and there’s always been some jealousy and resentment from her. She’s always felt like I had the life she wanted, not necessarily with her brother, but the marriage, family, job stability etc. I have 3 kids 10f, 8m, 3 months female.

She got married last year and they decided to start trying for a baby, but she was unfortunately told that she can’t have children naturally. She was understandably devastated and the family comforted her as best as we could.

We recently had a family dinner and in the middle of it she says “I think it’s really unfair that you got to have 3 kids and I can’t have any. Your baby is my last chance to raise a child so I think you should give her to me during the week so I can create a motherly bond with her and you can have her on weekends.”

Before I could respond the entire table erupted with everyone talking at once so I took my older kids upstairs. When I got back to the dining room, her husband was asking what the heck is wrong with her and why would she even think to ask that. She was trying to justify herself when I asked them to leave.

I also said that she’s no longer welcomed at my house or around my children until she gets help. She started screaming that I don’t deserve my life or my children and that I stole her baby from her.

Her husband and MIL kept apologizing and dragged her out of the house still crying and screaming. Now my kids want to know why their aunt wants to take the baby.

Edit:

I’ve been reading the comments but it’s too many to reply to so here are a few points.

We have a security system and cameras already installed and no one has keys to our house.

I will not be able to get a restraining order as this one incident isn’t enough to justify it. My husband and I spoke to the older kids about it the same night and we’ll be having another talk with them to reinforce that SIL is not a safe person anymore.

Our country does not have the right to bear arms and I also have no interest in getting a gun. I’ll be informing the school and daycare of the issue and giving them her photo.

For those questioning the validity of the post I completely understand. If I had heard about this last week I wouldn’t believe it either, but it’s unfortunately the situation I’m currently dealing with.

Here were the top rated comments after the OP's initial post:

Pretzelmamma

Jesus. Stay safe! At least the rest of the family recognise her craziness.

spacemistress2000

I had the same thought! Usually in reddit stories like this, the family backs the crazy one because they are the golden child etc.

Beautiful_Delivery77

If she ever goes to daycare make sure they know she is not allowed to pick up your daughter. I would also contact the school your other children attend just in case. She sounds unhinged. Yes the entire family agrees she needs help but if still be careful because you never know what she might do. If you don’t already have one, get a video doorbell.

The OP responded here:

Angel698

She’s not on any of the pick up lists but I’ll take the advice and let the school and daycare know that she isn’t to be in contact with my kids.

AffectionatePoet4586

“Auntie is sad. Auntie wants a baby, but don’t worry, she isn’t going to take ours. Auntie needs to see a talking doctor who can help her feel better.”

I’m sorry to say I’ve been through this situation twice, once during my marriage of forty years as well as in my brief starter marriage. During the former, a SIL “joked” endlessly about “taking” one of my sons, which became deeply unfunny in very little time. When at last she bore her own son, she left my three alone.

During the latter marriage, I had wisely chosen not to procreate—which became the problem: In the eyes of my infertile SIL, my womb was just sitting there. Why couldn’t I be inseminated by my BIL, via turkey baster?!?

My own selfishness, my ILs concluded, prevented me from gestating, giving birth to, and surrendering the newborn to a deeply entitled couple whose religious, political, and social affiliations in no way reflected my own. I got out of that family soon after several holiday meals had degenerated into shouting and sobbing (sometimes both at once).

A month later, OP returned with an update:

So my sister in law has been admitted to a psychiatric facility. In the comments of my previous post I mentioned that her husband was seeking out counseling for them to deal with the infertility prior to this incident. After the incident he sought out a psychiatrist rather than a counselor and they had their first session last week.

I didn’t get the specifics of what happened but basically she made some statements that the psychiatrist felt indicated she was a danger to others (my baby and me) and she was placed under an involuntary hold.

My BIL has been nothing but apologetic through this entire ordeal and he kept her away from us since the incident. MIL was staying with them to keep an eye on SIL. She tried to leave the house in the middle of the night to see ‘her baby’.

Also BIL found her researching how to induce lactation and she said it was to make sure she can feed the baby properly when I come to my senses and give her up.

From what BIL has said seeing me breastfeed is apparently what triggered the entire episode. It was the first time SIL was around the baby for any length of time and she was holding her when she got fussy because she was hungry.

Naturally I took her to feed her and this made SIL feel inadequate because it triggered the thought that she would never be able to do that which lead to the events of the last post.

I’m grateful for all the advice that was offered on my last post as some of it was really helpful. We won’t be moving as it’s not feasible for us at the moment but we have taken extra steps with security both at home and at the kids’ school/daycare.

This whole thing is taking a toll on the family but MIL, FIL and BIL are taking care of SIL and my husband and I are focused on ensuring the safety of our immediate family and minimizing the effect on the kids as much as we can.

Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's first update:

aquavenatus

I’m glad your family took the initiative and got the help and the treatment your SIL needs. And, it’s a good thing the entire family was keeping an eye on her, otherwise this would have been a different update. Unfortunately, it’s going to be a while before SIL is “well enough” to “go out into society.” Continue to keep your family safe. I’m sorry this happened to you and your children.

KawaiKuroNeko

I sadly know people with these kind of delusions and I can tell you they don't let them out easily and if they do they need to be tracked and watched. I've also heard they can get some sort of house arrest.

I just pray OPs family are safe and SIL is taken care off. I'm actually wowed at SILs husband for not dumping her and actually helping keep her away from OP and getting SIL the help she needs.

Desert_Fairy

You folks did the right thing protecting your kids, and your family did the right thing getting SIL help. Sometimes reality is just too much for a mind to bear. You SIL had a psychotic break and will likely be unwell for a long time.

Even after she is on a successful medication regimen, she shouldn’t have access to you or the kids. One missed med, or one trigger can initiate a relapse. I’d also point out. I used the word “initiate” rather than “caused” You breastfeeding your baby did not cause this. It my have initiated the initial break, but it did not cause this. You are not at fault.

naranghim

Since she is now on an involuntary hold you might be able to get a restraining order against her, as extra protection. The incident before this might not have been enough but the fact that a mental health professional felt she was too dangerous to remain at home and needed 24-hour care and supervision should be enough to grant you an order.

41flavorsandthensome

I really do hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but please remain vigilant, OP. In North America, at least, our system is so overloaded that people who need to be held longer are often released because there just isn’t the space/resources.

I hope your family has resources to make sure your sister gets the help she needs, though (or to remove the niceties and double talk: I hear rich people can set up their relatives in fancy places where they need to be for their mental health. I hope your Bil has the means to do this, for everyone’s sake).

Three months later, OP returned with a second update:

I’ve had a few messages asking how things are going so I decided to update. I have not seen SIL since the incident happened and I also blocked her on my socials. My in-laws have been amazing through this entire situation and are not sharing any information about our family with her.

Unfortunately she still remains fixated on my baby, she tried to find out where the daycare is and even said she would do something drastic if my in-laws didn’t tell her. This lead to another stint in the psych ward. She wrote me a letter begging me to ‘be fair and let her see her baby’. I didn’t actually receive the letter though, my MIL read it and just gave us the gist of its contents.

SIL’s husband is working with her psychiatrist to see how best she can be helped, but he has said he doesn’t know how long he can deal with this but he’s giving it 6 months. It’s a very sad situation for her and I had hoped she would be able to deal with whatever is happening.

At this point we’re completely no contact with her. We explained to our older kids that their aunt isn’t well so she won’t be around anymore. We still see MIL and FIL regularly so I’m grateful we didn’t have to cut them off.

We spent the holidays with my family and it was all very nice and uneventful. We’re still on alert in case she escalates, but the hospital where she’s warded isn’t near us and they don’t live near us either. So we’ve accepted this is our new reality and we’re operating accordingly.

Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's second update:

aquavenatus

Unfortunately, this is one of those scenarios where there needs to be a permanent Restraining Order and a permanent Cease & Desist. It’s clear SIL will never accept her (obviously sad) circumstances.

She’ll never stop being fixated on your youngest even as she gets older. I hate to say it, but SIL might have to stay in the psychiatric ward permanently. I’m so sorry about your family’s situation.

YesNoMaybe_IMO

Adding to this - it's important to consider adding in the legal side of things as suggested because you need to have as much protection for you and your family as possible.

Since things are not getting better and your BIL may or may not be around to help, it would help you to have the history of the problems within the legal system, especially to help if things get worse. Don't wait until something bigger (and potentially more dangerous) happens.

Glittering_Job_7996

I’m so sorry OP!!!

You deserve to have a stress free life with your newborn !!!

mioclio

I am so glad that every single person took this as seriously as it is. You, your husband, your BIL, MIL and FIL, but also the psychiatrist and other professionals. Your SIL is very, very ill and has zero self-awareness. A dangerous combination that absolutely justifies everything you are doing.

I hope that you and your partner are also getting professional help. To help you process all of this, but also to grieve. Your relationship with your SIL is permanently altered. Even if the jealousy was there before, I cannot imagine that anyone expected it to escalate to this.

The family dynamic has lost its casualness and all of you need to establish a new normal. That is a lot and combined with having young children it is ginormous. Please don't forget to be kind to yourself and each other while dealing with all of this. You can give yourself the occasional break.

Later OP came back with this 3rd and final update:

So lots of people have been messaging and commenting asking for an update. Firstly my family and I are safe. SIL was eventually released from hospital to continue out patient treatment with a psychiatrist and she’s on some meds. My husband met up with her, her husband, MIL and FIL to get a feel of her mental state.

She was very apologetic and seems to understand the issue with her previous behaviour. She asked to see the kids and I, but that was of course a no and my husband let her know that she will have no access to us for the foreseeable future.

Since she was discharged MIL has been awesome about letting us know when she would be at their house so we wouldn’t run into her accidentally. MIL also told my husband a few days ago that SIL has been saying it’s hard not being able to see the kids.

She told him for information’s sake and not to guilt him into changing our boundaries. SIL and her husband are looking into migrating to give her some distance in hopes that it will help her healing. I’m hoping for the best for their future, but it will be a future without my kids and I in it.