Future SIL says you're not family just because you dated my fiancé, 'you're not needed.'
"AITA for telling my future SIL that I will not being going anywhere and she needs to learn to live with it?"
Shot-Restaurant-6404
Edit to make it really clear, I am part of the family I call them mom and dad. They tell me I am their kids. The sisters refer to me as their sister. Not all families are born. Also yes I have talk to max before we had a heart to heart when I moved in and I thought we were good. We have been fine all this time until this happened.
So background I dated Max in highschool for around a year. My family life was awful and his parents really helped me in that time. After the breakup they didn’t cut me off even though I know it caused some issues with Max. When I was kicked out at 17, they took me in. Long story short I see them as my parents and they see me as their kid.
I am close to their daughters and have been going to family events for a few years now. Max is getting married to Cindy. I have met her a few times and before this I thought she was fine.
Yesterday I was getting some Mac and cheese at the youngest birthday celebration when Cindy came over asking what I am doing. I told her getting Mac and cheese and she got angry. She went on a huge tangent about how she knows I'm trying to win back Max and how I’m am not part of the family. That I should get my own family since I am not needed anymore.
I told her I am not going anywhere and she needs to live with it. I have been part of this family for 10 years at this point. She ran off after that. I am getting texts from Max saying that I I am a huge jerk and I need to apologize. The rest are staying neutral and the youngest is annoyed at Cindy.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
stophittingthyself
NTA. I wonder if Max believes you still want him too. Might be worth being blunt. Something along the lines of:
"All you need to do is reassure Cindy that I don't have ulterior motives. To be clear, and I don't know how to say this without it sounding insulting, but I'm not into you like that. Haven't been for a looong, long time. We were kids when we were together and we've both grown up and moved on. None of this is about you or her. She doesn't have to freak out."
The OP responded:
Shot-Restaurant-6404
I sure would hope not, I have been dating other people since we first broke up. Maybe I should make it really clear I don’t want to date him.
Bricknuts
I mean she clearly told them a different story then what happened. You need to set the story straight and make it clear you have no interest.
The OP again responded:
Shot-Restaurant-6404
I didn’t think about that. I should probably clear the air with that. I know the youngest saw it so the whole thing.
EntertainmentOk6284
You are being very gracious. She knows that the family emotionally adopted you and basically told you: get lost, you don't deserve them and they don't care because I'm here know. It's like telling a foster or adoptive child that they are not real family, when a bio kid shows up.
I think you are totally in the right to be pissed.off about it. I would send an answer like this (to make sure nothing gets nuclear right away, I would send it to Max and Cindy first and not (yet) to the other family members):
"To make it a 100% clear, I am not nor will I ever be into Max again. I am in this family because in the last 10 years they have been exactly that: my family. I am deeply hurt by Cindy's comment (as witnessed by sister x) that I am not needed here anymore and should seek a family of my own.
I am more than willing to welcome Cindy to the family because I believe there can never be enough love and friendship in a family. But I will not be talked to like this again. Added: I will of course talk to Cindy and Max to talk this through, as I understand this is not a conventional situation. But I believe we can work through this."
The OP then provided a brief update confirming what readers were thinking:
Shot-Restaurant-6404
So, I called them and explained my side of the story. They were surprised since they got a different story. I don’t want to lose my fmaily. I asked them to adopt me as an adult if they wish. They sad YES! ( this conversation happened before.) I am also going to reach out to Cindy and Max. And explain really clearly I am not a threat to their relationship.