Frustrated husband snaps at wife for 'ignoring' him to care for dying grandpa. AITA?
"AITA for telling my wife, that she's been sitting on her butt this whole time, while her family member is in the ICU"
DubK1d93
I'm pretty sure who the AH is, but here is my story:
I (30m) told my wife (32f) that she was sitting on her rear the whole time while her grandpa was in the hospital in ICU, waiting on news for them from the doctors. While I have been trying to clean and straighten up the house for potentially over night visitors from her side of the family.
So her grandpa was admitted into a hospital and then was flown out to a more resourced hospital. My wife was there every day of the last week by their side, keeping them company and while I'm working my job and coming home taking care of the kids, doing the cooking, and cleaning.
Bringing her food and other thing that she needs. Just to clarify that the hospital that her grandpa is at is bout over an hour away, due to constant traffic and shear stupidty on the road.
Just before this incident, her mother was in the ER for bad sciatica and was in the ER since 3pm to the 7am of the next morning. I took her mother there myself and waited nearly all night before me and my wife switched because I had work in a few hours.
I left work early the past week a few times, so I could be able to get the things that my wife needs or wants, and be able to keep the kids company and try not to let the kids wonder why their great grandpa is in the hospital.
So last night, I got the kids fed, the house clean, and waited for my wife and her mom to come back from the hospital to eat dinner. Earlier in the day I took some items over to her that she needed, while I was in the middle of cleaning.
I told her that I need to give the younger 2 kids a shower and It didn't happen. So, I finished cleaning and then cooking started and finished. After dinner, I was in the middle of giving the 2 kids a shower, she told me that I gave the kids a shower already.
I told her that I didn't because I was busy cleaning and cooking. She commented that I got home hours ago and it was 9pm. I told her that I got back by 3pm and finished the cleaning and immediately started prepping to cook and didn't eat til 730pm.
Then we proceeded to have an argument on that subject, then I told her I been trying to do all that I can to keep the kids comfort and the house clean and food on the table. While she works then heads to the hospital, to sit on her rear to wait for results or anything from the doctors.
I realized that I messed up, and began to apologize for what I said. I'm beginning to wonder if she will leave me over this incident. I really don't want her to leave. Rereading this whole thing, I am the ahole. I really shouldn't have said or made a comment on her staying by her grandpa's side.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
RB1327
"I stated that my wife was sitting on her ass at hospital while waiting for results....without considering the fact that her grandpa was admitted and at risk of potentially passing."
"Relatives in ICU near death" is an all hands-on-deck situation for dealing with whatever needs to get done. Stop increasing your wife's stress level by whining about it.
In emergency times, you should be doing just the minimum basics for health and safety. There's no mandate to continue cooking meals from scratch, deep-cleaning, whatever. Learn to prioritize.
ESH, Everyone Sucks Here---but more you. Your wife shouldn't be criticizing or making things unnecessarily harder, but your comment was out of bounds.
imtchogirl
Yes, 2pm-7:30 is a long time. Especially with the prepping to cook comment.
OP, freezer lasagna, pizza, chicken nuggets, bag salad. It's definitely time to do the least in the kitchen. And, you guys are missing on communication and support.
No way should one comment or confrontation mean a bigger problem, but the constant communication, supporting her, telling her explicitly that you've got it at home, apologizing for when you go out of bounds, asking explicitly what she needs most, asking about her granddad's status and news. That kind of communication should be constant between you two. Multiple check ins per day.
SilverStars413
ESH. You shouldn't have said your wife was sitting on her ass - accompanying someone to the hospital can be extremely stressful and I'd much rather work and clean all day than sit in a hospital room worried sick about a loved one, needing to help them with basic tasks, keeping track of their medications and symptoms and diagnoses, arguing with nurses, comforting them, hoping they don't die.
But, she also shouldn't be criticizing your efforts to hold down the fort at home. You're also doing something stressful! You are working your ass off and trying your best.
You're not super clear in this post about why she was upset - I would guess that she was unimpressed with your efficiency, something like "I take care of the kids and house every day and do a much better job, you can't handle taking care of them once?" and I do get that feeling, as someone who is also the "default parent" at my house.
But if this is the case, the solution isn't to criticize and start a fight, you would need to both work together over time to make sure you get more experience taking care of the household so you can step up more effectively when needed. Right now, during this emergency, all either of you can do is tread water.
You need to sincerely apologize. She should probably apologize too, but I would try and be extra patient and forgiving with her since she's going through something so awful. Hopefully y'all are just having a bad reaction to stress and you'll be able to make up after things have calmed down!
Old_Cheek1076
ESH - You may have overreacted a bit but she didn’t need to give someone who was clearly working hard to support her the third degree.
DozenBia
ESH. You went too far. But her critizing you for not having everything done while she does nothing regarding the kids/house plus needs more support than usual (family might stay over, you bring her stuff to the hospital) is not okay either.
Apologize, explain your feelings that led to the situation, listen to hers and tell her you see what she does too. Acknowledge that the situation is horrible and exhausting for both of you, and both agree to be easier on the other in the future. In a partnership, you two should support each other and (neither of you) should lash out of stress.