'AITA for telling my niece her brother will always mean more to me because I raised him?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my niece her brother will always mean more to me because I raised him?"

Necessary_Light_6626

When I (43f) was 18, and my sister (47) was 22, she had my nephew (let's call him Luke) with her then BF (now husband). My sister and her husband didn't have any interest in Luke when he was born so I took the role of taking care of him. I got my grandmother (she's an angel) to watch him while I was in my last year of high school in exchange for me cleaning and cooking for her on the weekends.

My parents weren't much help either, they would give me about $100 a month for Luke, and if you have a kid then you know it's not much. Me and my grandmother were the only ones to take care of him.

A year after I graduated from high school I was kicked out with my nephew because my parents, sister, and her husband didn't want to deal with us anymore. My sister said she wished she never gave birth to him.

I immediately went to my grandmother and we went to a family law attorney and I got custody of him and my sister and her husband signed their rights to me.

I lived with my grandmother and when I went to community college and my part-time job she watched my son (Luke). It was a lot of work, especially when my grandmother passed away when my son was 6. My grandmother left 90% of her things to me in her will, which caused my parents and sister to reach out to me under false intentions to see my son and I to reconnect.

That didn't last long and I told them they could either act right or never see us again. My dad decided to actually reconnect with my son and I and now we're close, while my mom and I don't really talk much but she treats Luke nice.

When Luke was 8, both my sister and I became pregnant and that's when my sister decided she wanted my son back and started to tell him that my husband and I wouldn't love him anymore once my "actual" son came along.

My husband met my son when he was 5 and we were already together for a year before he met my son. My husband treats Luke like his and we got married when my son was 7 and adopted him when he was 9, with my son's permission.

We found out that my sister was saying this when one day he broke down crying asking us not to leave him after we told him that would never happen. He explained what my sister and her husband were saying. Luke knows that he's not my biological son but he is my son.

After that I cut contact with my sister and her husband again and did family therapy and individual therapy for my son. When I had my son (1 pregnancy, 2 children) I made it clear that our love for him (Luke) didn't change. When my sister reached out about two years later I decided to go low contact with her with the okay from my son and husband.

My husband and I live comfortably while my sister and her husband struggle sometimes financially. My kids do extracurricular activities, get the presents they wanted, and go on one big family trip in the summer. While my sister and her husband couldn't afford much.

So when my niece was around 9, my sister started making comments about how I needed to pay for this or that for my niece but I told her it wasn't my job. I gave my niece the gifts she wanted, took her out from time to time but nowhere near how I would treat my own kids.

Now my son (2nd) is turning 17 and my husband and I were talking about getting him a cheap starter car. We did the same for Luke when he was 17. My niece is also turning 17 and apparently my sister told her she was going to get a car too.

The thing is my sister can't afford to buy her a car so she asked me to but I told her I wasn't going to buy her a car. I said that I didn't promise her one and that it's not my job to get her one. My sister then got mad and didn't talk to me for a while.

When my son's 17th birthday came around we surprised him with a car. My niece then called me a couple of days later screaming and crying asking me why I hate her and why I can't treat her the same as her brother.

I calmly told her things were different. Her brother is my son while she is my niece. I'm her aunt and nothing more, that as an aunt my job was birthday presents, Christmas presents, and showing up when it mattered, that was it. That her brother will always be more to me than she'll ever be. Then my niece started yelling at me again telling me that I'm being unfair and hung up.

My sister then called me to berate me about how I need to do more, I told her if she wouldn't have promised a car to her or my money to my niece no of this wouldn't have happened. It's been a couple of days and I'm getting calls from some family and some of my sister's friends calling me a b^%$# and some other things.

I do feel bad because my kids did grow up with more and I guess I could have helped more. So AITA for what I said to my niece?

Here were the top rated comments from readers:

2_LEET_2_YEET

SOOOOOO NTA

You adopted their first kid, already way more than a whole lot of people would do.

Reasonable-Bad-769

Right? Not only that, but as a teenager she literally raised him and sacrificed for him - I repeat, a teenager showed more maturity, responsibility and compassion than a houseful of adults. I mean her sister is one thing, but even the grandparents. Appalling.

grumbleGal

Curious why you decide to maintain a relationship with your horrible sister and her husband?

The OP responded here:

Necessary_Light_6626

Because she had my niece but mainly talking to my dad about it. It's why I maintained low contact, we only really talk when big holidays and birthdays come up.

delta_seven7

Nta your sister has caused so much drama and confusion, she has caused so much hurt to you and your son. You may need to reevaluate why you want her in your life. After the things she did I would've cut off contact but that's me. Just note that this is a pattern and will continue.

Virtual_Space_286

NTA. Please rid your life of these scum bags. If your dad doesn’t like it tell him to take a hike as well. He is only a slightly smaller pile of s&$% because of how he handled things when you were 18. The time when you needed him most.

After an update was deleted, OP came back with this update:

About a week after the post I decided to talk to Emily. We decided to meet at my home. I asked everyone not to be home because I wanted her and I to talk privately. When she showed up she didn't really want to look at me and I asked her if I could give her a hug.

She nodded her head and the minute I hugged her she cried. She said she was sorry for how she acted and I told her she didn't need to apologize.

I asked her about how her parents treat her again to understand more about what's going on. She told me that her dad treats her well and he tries to spend time with her but he's busy because he works two jobs. While my sister is home more she usually just keeps to herself and doesn't really like to be bugged.

I then asked her if she feels like she's been neglected, she said no just sometimes they don't have family time that much because her parents argue a lot especially about money. That sometimes her mom does make her feel like an obligation but she knows that they do love her.

I then asked her about the money my mom took from the retirement fund. She said that she and my sister were going car shopping soon. I then brought up her calling Luke her brother and if she feels that way about him. She said she sees him like a cousin and she thought if she played the brother card I would feel inclined to help her.

She then explained that even though they are biologically siblings they are cousins and will always be cousins. I then asked her if she knew how I ended up adopting Luke. She said that she knew and her dad had explained what they did. Apparently my sister sugar coated it while her dad told her the blunt truth and it was the complete truth that he told her.

(Luke only sees her as a cousins also, to Luke only has one sibling and that's Justin)

I then spoke to her about seeing a therapist that we would pay for (my husband agreed). She said she would think about it. I then asked her if she would like to do a fun day out with me on Saturdays.

She got excited and said she would really like that. So that weekend we went on our first day out. We went to this restaurant that she's been wanting to try. We had a good time, I then took her to a bookstore because she loves to read and I bought her a couple of books that she's been wanting.

When Emily and I were supposed to have our second weekend out I had to cancel because Justin ended up in the hospital. While at football practice he started wheezing a little bit and he took his inhaler but didn't wait the appropriate time.

He then got tackled which knocked the wind out of him and caused him to have a bad asthma attack. This happened on a Friday and Justin stayed at the hospital till Sunday.

Emily and I were supposed to go out Saturday and that morning I called her and told I had to cancel before I could tell her why she started yelling at me saying I never cared about her and hung up the phone. I tried calling her back but it went straight to voicemail.

Then I sent her a text saying that I didn't mean to hurt her but Justin was in the hospital and that we can have our day next weekend. I never heard back from her. I gave up on reaching out to her after a couple of days.

Two days ago, my family and I were out for a family night when my neighbors called saying that they called the cops because someone was vandalizing one of our cars. When we got home the cops were there and it was Justin's car.

The car had scratches, little dents, and paint. There are two broken windows. My husband and I checked our security footage you could clearly see Emily and someone else vandalizing the car.

My husband gave the video copy to the police and Emily and her friend got arrested next morning. My sister and mom came to my house screaming that I was ruining my nieces life and if I loved her I would drop the charges. My husband is admitted that we don't drop the charges and Justin and Luke agree with my husband.

A lot of people have asked Luke's view on everything so I decided to talk to him. He said he's over everything and it's best to cut contact with everyone, even Emily, because she's just like her mom. So we are cutting contact with everyone except for my dad.