'AITA for calling my sister a hypocrite after she judged us for not adopting?'
"AITA for telling my sister she is a hypocrite to judge us for not adopting when she only adopted as a last resort?"
Vast_Branch_825
I (27M) am married to my amazing wife Ever (27F). We are unable to have children together naturally. Our fertility doctor has said our best chance at having biological children is IVF and we are now working our butts off to make that happen for us.
My family is aware of our struggles to conceive and they know we have decided to pursue IVF. My sister Jane (43F) has been vocally outspoken about her disgust at our decision. She told us that since Ever was adopted herself, she should be thinking of adoption before any form of fertility treatment.
She has ranted about how IVF is unethical and how we are going to mess our kids up for life. She has focused most of her ire on Ever and I have stepped in each and every time and told her to knock it off, and to keep her opinions to herself.
She questions Ever every step of the way about rejecting adoption and how her family must feel to know she would rather have her own bio baby instead of adopting when they adopted her. Ever opened up to Jane, which is something I did not think she needed to and I told Ever as much but she wanted to.
She told Jane that adoption is not always an ethical option and while it can be such an amazing thing and bring so much joy to everyone, adoption is nowhere close to perfect.
She also opened up about feeling on the outside her whole life because she looked like nobody in her family and they would always make passing comments about her siblings (bio kids of her parents) looked like family members and comments were often made about "twins" meaning lookalikes.
How as the only kid who never got that and the kid who was different, it weighs on you. She said her parents and siblings loved her as their own and she loved them. But she also knew the extended family saw her as the adopted child, as the child that wasn't really theirs.
She mentioned how both her birth parents rejected her when she reached out for contact. And how it all made her long for a genetic connection to the family she creates.
She told Jane she can have that, it will just cost, but she could not in good conscience adopt when it would be her last choice. Jane called her names and told her she was disgusting and should be ashamed for viewing things this way.
Ever was so upset after talking to Jane. Then Jane called me a few days later and told me I should talk to Ever about how she needs to fix her thinking. I hated hearing my sister say that about my wife.
I told Jane that she was the biggest hypocrite going because she only adopted her kids as a last resort after being told again and again that IUI and IVF would not work for her and that surrogacy wouldn't either. I told her we never judged her for how she started her family but I did judge her for having gone through all that and being so hard on Ever.
I told her it was disgusting and she should be doing better. Jane told me I had no business throwing her infertility in her face and she told me to go fuck myself. AITA?
Here were the top rated comment from readers in response to the OP's post:
friendlily
NTA. Ever needs to block Jane. I would suggest you do too but your wife at least needs to be protected. Jane is heartless. She has a lot of nerve disregarding Ever's lived experience being an adoptee and needs to stay in her lane.
The OP responded here:
Vast_Branch_825
I have suggested this to her. She said she would do it but it needs a follow up. That's something that frustrates me even more. Ever has more first hand experience than my sister.
My sister can speak from the POV of someone who adopted her kids. Ever can speak from the POV of an adoptee and an adoptee who had a happier story than some but still had a complicated adoption at the same time.
friendlily
Yeah, Ever knows better than anyone how traumatic adoption can be and that it isn't always a fairy tale. She didn't judge Jane for adopting and didn't even give her personal info on adoption until pushed by Jane, so Jane has no right to lash out at her. Jane needs therapy but you and Ever should not stick around to continually be interrogated, judged and insulted by her.
Starry_Gecko
NTA. For starters, it's none of Jane's business how you decide to have kids. Also, while she's right about adoption having the potential to be a great thing, that's not always what happens. It can also be a very traumatic experience for multiple parties, including the child. Your wife is proof of that.
The OP again responded:
Vast_Branch_825
Yes, that's something Ever is very open about and conscious of.
gravegirl48
NTA but i think the reason your sister is coming down on your wife so much is because if you and your wife have a bio kid she will be more angry and jealous that she couldn't do it.
Your sister sounds like the type of person if she can't have it no one should be able to do it any other way but the way she did it. Basically your sister is mad you may have a chance at a bio kid while she never had a chance.