Man refuses to treat grandkids like family, 'your kids aren't my responsibility.' AITA?
"AITA for giving more money to my daughter than my sons and saying that my grandkids are not my responsibility?"
RareStretch3814
My wife and I have three kids: boy 1 (34), boy 2 (30) and girl (26). As we have good careers, we were able to pay for all of their college tuitions, which varies on year, degree and university.
The three were all about the same, no big changes. Our two boys decided to get a degree and get to work. However, our daughter decided she will be pursuing a postgraduate. My wife and I have decided to pay for that as well. We have always valued education a lot, so we think that if we can help, there's no reason to not do so.
Our two sons are upset over this news. They think that we're spoiling our girl. Both of them said that they all should get the same treatment, I told them that this is because their sister is choosing to pursue higher education than they did, so she should get more money.
Our oldest said that's unfair and instead of giving the money to our daughter, we could start a college fund for our grandkids. I told him that absolutely not, because their kids are their responsibility just as my kids are mine, so I'd rather pay for my daughter than my grandkids.
I'm not saying that because I don't love my grandkids, I love them with all my heart, but I don't think that my kids should count on me to pay for their kids' stuff.
My sons are upset, they're upset with me and my wife because we're paying for our daughter's college, and they're upset at me for my comment about their kids. They said that we're once again spoiling our "golden children" and that I'm picking favourites (them v. Their sister/ my daughter v. My grandkids)
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Icy_Blueness1206
NTA, it’s your money and you were very clear in your reasoning. I would note though that this is the kind of thing that can start a major fracture in a family. Your older kids are acting very entitled, yes. I do wonder if some of that is out of fear.
Their generation is facing a lot more obstacles to building wealth than your generation did and your sons may be afraid that they won’t be able to readily hand out money for school the way you can.
Equal division of money among siblings, however fair and logical it seems, can create a simmering kind of resentment that (I know from experience) can break things irrevocably. You shouldn’t be held hostage by that, but I think it is worth considering.
Is there a middle ground? Small amounts in 529 accounts or similar to kickstart savings for the grandkids? Call it an early Christmas present. You’re NTA and your children’s children ARE their responsibility, but it might be a way to ensure that your sons don’t end up hating their sister, which would be mean and unfair, but could happen.
The OP responded here:
RareStretch3814
I don't think my sons understand how privileged they are, as you said the financial situation now is way harder than it used to be, a lot of people go through school with student loans and then have difficulties paying it, they don't. This may be our fault as their parents, honestly never expected them to act like this.
I might be wrong, I'm not against discussion if I am, but I think that by doing what they want, I'm just teaching them that being entitled will get them what they want.
If my children or my grandkids are struggling financially I will gladly help them out and not ask anything back, but they're not struggling and I believe they need to face their own responsibilities (I thought they were good at that already) and not wait for me or their mom to just solve their problems.
Top-Passion-1508
Info: can it be assumed if your sons went for post grads you would have paid for those too?
The OP again responded here:
RareStretch3814
Yes, we would've paid for them too.
RickRussellTX
INFO: This really needs more context:
"They said that we're once again spoiling our "golden children" and that I'm picking favourites."
"Once again" means this isn't the first time. What else has happened, OP?
The OP again responded:
RareStretch3814
First time I heard it was because as teenagers, the boys didn't buy as much clothes (as most boys do in my experience) while my girl was a normal teenage girl who liked going shopping with her friends regularly. Ever since they're throwing it every time they disagree with their sister on something.
Major_Barnacle_2212
Just let them know they are welcome to get their post-grad anytime and you would be happy to pay. This isn’t about who gets how much money, but that you’re committed to paying for the education of your kids if they would like it.
This is like going to a Mexican restaurant offering free dessert and asking for the cash value so you can go somewhere else to buy sushi. The offer was for free dessert, not money to get something else. NTA.