'AITA for suggesting my step daughter go live with her mom for a while?'
"AITA for suggesting my step daughter go live with her mom for a while?"
Odd_Character_111
I never would have suggested this if things were normal. But currently, nothing is normal. My husband has a 14yo daughter "May" with his ex and we just had a baby together 5 months ago. May has always lived with us full time and goes to her mom's every weekend.
Well.. our house burnt down last month. Ours and about 18 other people. We lost everything. Thankfully no one was hurt. Insurance still hasn't kicked in yet and they are saying it could take 6+ months.
We stayed in hotels for a few days but that got expensive quick. My husband's buddy offered us his in law apartment, which a tenant had just moved out of, so we have been staying here since about a week after the fire. But.. the place only has 1 bedroom and then an open concept living/kitchen space. It's really small.
I figured my husband would ask May to go to her mom's, considering this is a one bedroom but he didn't. He gave her the bedroom. So we sleep in the living room. I could step out of bed, take 2 steps and be directly in the kitchen. There's zero privacy at all.
At first I just sucked it up because I think I was honestly in shock. But I can't do this anymore. May doesn't respect my space. She comes out and eats on my "bed" constantly while watching tv, despite having a TV in her room.
She will see that I've finally got the baby to sleep and she will slam things around in the kitchen. If I step away for even a split second, she's literally taking my spot on the bed- which is literally the only place I can sit at all.
If she sees me in the kitchen attempting to cook, she comes out and sits on the counter to hang out and I can't move if she's in there and she gets mad if I mention ANY of this.
If I tell her I don't want her on my bed, especially when she's eating, I'm met with a "this is literally the living room, you kind of need to get over being mad at people being in your space". Every single time.
Me and the baby have not been sleeping. I breastfeed too so now my privacy just feels completely invaded because my breast is in full view and she just comes out and sits on my bed when I'm trying to nurse; jarring the bed around.
I can't do this anymore. If she doesn't go to her mom's until we figure this out than I need to leave. I told my husband this last night and he says I'm an AH because May is "in this with us" because she also lost everything and she's always lived with us.
He says it's selfish to expect her to go to her mom's so I can be more comfortable because this isn't comfortable for anyone. "It's not about you. It's about the family. Stop being selfish." AITA?
ETA: I wanted the bedroom but my husband is against it because May needs privacy. He said he isn't comfortable with May not having a bedroom door and says "absolutely not" every time I mention taking the bedroom. She made the choice to live with us because her mom lives next to the hospital and she hates the sound of the constant sirens from ambulances.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
s-nicolexo
First of all, I’m sorry that you’re going through this, especially with a baby. Second, I see both your and your husbands point of view here, but May isn’t being intentionally disrespectful. She’s being a teenager who has been displaced from her home and lost her belongings and going to a much smaller space is obviously going to have everyone on edge.
That being said, I don’t think suggesting she go to her moms is the right answer here, especially if she finds out because then you’re just going to be accused of trying to push her out. Anyway, NAH.
DogsReadingBooks
INFO: from how I’m getting this your husband’s got the majority of custody for your stepdaughter. How’s her situation with her mum? The living situation?
Odd_Character_111 OP responded:
Their relationship is good but my step daughter hates where her mom lives. She's directly beside the hospital so there's constant sirens. To be fair, I'd hate it too. But May doesn't want to be there because of that. She said it affects her sleep and gives her headaches.
Whateverandever01
NTA, but your husband is.. do you have family you can go stay with? Get out of there if you can. Leave him and May. He is prioritizing May over you and your baby and doesn't seem to understand how hard this is for you.
Everyone saying NAH - no, there is one, it's the husband 100%. Not teenager and not OP. It's a shitty situation being made shittier by unacceptable behaviour from May and no support for you from your husband. I would go stay with a friend or family member if at all possible.
SatelliteBeach123
NAH. HOWEVER, I would take the bedroom. May's privacy is the sacrifice that would happen. YOU need your privacy and space as well and you're trying to care for a new born. May can have the living area and you take the bedroom. Hubby doesn't like it, well then that's a different story. He can suck it up or find another solution because what you've got now isn't working.
Hippopotasaurus-Rex
NTA, but as people love to say, you don’t have a stepdaughter problem, you have a husband problem. Why did husband get to unilaterally decide stepdaughter got the bedroom? Why has husband not corrected stepdaughters behavior when you talked to him about it? Why the af is a teenager in the only bedroom, while adults/infant are in the living room?
COLGkenny
NTA. You have every right to be uncomfortable with how your stepdaughter is acting. I would also venture that you are not allowed to punish her, because she doesn't seem to fear any sort of repercussions from you. Have a sit-down with your step daughter and husband and talk it ou, and if that doesn't work, do you have any family nearby you can stay with?