Twin plans her wedding a month before the date her sister had already chosen. AITA?
"AITA for planning on getting married before my twin sister?"
britcassy
I’ve seen a few posts related to similar wedding situations but none with twins so wanted to ask. My fiancé recently surprised me with a proposal on a trip in Iceland (Sept 2023). I said yes and we excitedly started discussing wedding visions.
It’s important to mention my twin messaged me a seemingly random date for Aug 2024 while I was on vacation. When I questioned it she simply said “my wedding.” This exchange of messages took place before my fiancé proposed to me.
After our trip, we attended a dinner at my parents' house with family, my twin, and her fiancé in attendance. She got engaged Sept 2022. Over dinner everyone was curious on when we were planning on getting married so we honestly answered “maybe July 2024.”
I will also say before our response together, I jokingly said “Aug 1 2024” and everyone laughed including her fiancé. I did explain it was a joke afterwards just to make sure everyone knew I wasn’t serious.
My fiancé actually picked the time of year himself. When he explained all his reasonings I agreed we could look for dates in July. Later that week I had a call with my twin and she brought up the joke date asking if I was serious. I explained no it was a joke. She asked if we were serious about July to which I told her yes.
She told me my fiancé and I were being disrespectful and she expected an apology from him for choosing that time of year because we knew she already had a set date in Aug. I explained we did not pick that time of year with any intentions of hurting her feelings or being malicious or evil. She did not care.
The phone call ended after she explained she could not put into words correctly how she felt and she would contact me later. She never reached out so I waited until the next day to call and talk to her. I asked if she’d had time to figure out the right words so I could understand how she felt.
She told me she didn’t need to explain anything because she’d already told me she felt disrespected. The call then devolved to her basically screaming and yelling at me. She requested that I not talk to her about wedding related things until I have a set date and venue with a deposit put down.
The basic message I got from her is she does not want me to get married before her even if it’s only by a month. Other than that it is very hard to get her to clearly communicate exactly how she feels or what she means by what she has said.
There are other conversations that took place between the dinner and the last phone call with her but I feel I have included the most important information.
One of my fiancé’s reasons for that time of year are specific to a family member’s health. I did not tell my sister this as I did not feel it was my place. Since then my fiancé has had a discussion with her fiancé and disclosed that information.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Ryuloulou
Well, to be fair, she gave you a date for her wedding and you come back to announce that your wedding will be one month before hers. It feels very much intentional, even if you say it is not. I am not calling you an a**hole but I see where she is coming from, from the outside it really looks like you have rushed to be the first one married as soon as she had a date.
Lithogiraffe
I would say YTA. They are twins. They're going to have similar family guest list. If OP puts her wedding first, it will be so much more difficult for her twin to have family attend her wedding. People don't get endless PTO or requested time off.
And moreover - they are twins! The dynamic is even more extreme compared to other siblings. Having them one month apart, kind of sucks that special individualism out of it. Something that would really tick me off if it was my sister. But if it was my twin sister! It would be a deep-setted feeling of ticked offness
Innerouterself2
Two weddings within 30 days is a big ol burden for family and will be hard for everyone to attend both. I get that your twin is upset. It is kind of a poor manners move to scheduling your wedding 30 days before her already schedule wedding. I get the extenuating circumstances but it's just not polite or respectful. YTA but not a super big one.
Outrageously_Penguin
INFO: where will these weddings be taking place? Will family members need to travel to them?
If your sister genuinely doesn’t want you getting married at any time before her, AND if you’re both going to get married in a place where nobody important needs to travel to the wedding, I’d say N T A.
But if she’s just upset because you’re creating a situation where people will have to choose which wedding to attend because they’re less than a month apart, then YTA. She picked her date and told it to you before you even got engaged.
The OP responded here:
britcassy
Weddings will both be in the state we live in. There are a few traveling family members but I’ve reached out to all and asked about traveling and all are good to go. I did ask if she was worried about family and she responded no.
AdGroundbreaking4397
YTA. She tells you when her wedding is and you come back from vacation and "joke" your getting married august too only to say "no not really that wouldn't be cool actually were getting married a few days before that". So how was saying august a joke that's essentially the same. You do seem to have gone out of the way to have your wedding before your twins and so close to it.
Weddings take prep and planning. dresses can take 12-18 months , venues are booked out at least a year in advance, and so are caterers and good djs/bands and photographers. If your fiance wants july, then july 2025 makes sense.
Otherwise you are trying to plan a wedding in the next 9 months. Which yes can be done depending on the type of wedding, but I've a feeling you don't want to just turn up at the courthouse.
And if its july for the health of a family member, why wouldn't you have said "well you know how sick is, doctor gave them 10 months, and fiance really wants them there. So we'll be getting married in July so they can be there. I know that's close to yours but we're planning a much smaller ceremony and celebration. I think it should work out OK."
And there isn't a weeding that you can plan in 9 months that you can't plan in 6 or 7 months. By planning a wedding 1 month before your twins wedding, you're expecting your shared family and friends to travel and pay for the expenses to go to both weddings and any wedding activities so close together.
Also, in the run-up to the wedding, she'll be busy planning her own wedding, maybe having a hen do. And she'll be doing lots of organising and last-minute prep. And hoping for help and support from her family. Having yours the month before uses up everyone's spare time, and desire for prty planning, not to mention needing to recuperate and rest.
So you have your wedding in July and then go on your honeymoon to come back for your sisters wedding which will most likely be the first time seeing everyone from your wedding who will ask questions like, how was the honeymoon. Did you enjoy your big day? So now your twins' wedding is about you too.
Yes no one gets to declare a wedding month or whatever, but you do want to be considerate to other people, which your decision isn't. Honestly, it does seem deliberate.