'AITA for giving my SIL 3 days notice I won't make a cake for her daughter's birthday?'
"AITA for giving my SIL 3 days notice I won't make a cake for her daughter's birthday?"
No-Note-3098
I (28f) love to bake and I will often make cakes and stuff for friends and since I met my ILs in 2018, for them as well. My SIL asked me to bake her daughter's birthday cake for her birthday this weekend.
This was back in October and we discussed what she wanted in detail. It's not my first time making her cakes but it is my first time as her SIL officially and where I felt like I was truly part of a family.
Three days ago I was out grocery shopping and I ran into a family friend of my ILs. This person is not someone I like very much. She's a bad gossip and seems to have some malice in her while sharing gossip about others. I try to be polite to everyone and normally I don't talk to her. But she stopped me and went out of her way to ask me when my husband and I are having kids.
Then she mentioned me being a foster kid and an affair baby and she did it in a way that was meant to come across s actual concern but was really her being intrusive and cruel. She mentioned that my ILs and SIL were concerned about our kids not having anyone.
I told my husband when he got home from work and I was a mess. It might seem dumb but I felt like his family betrayed the trust I put in them and they did the one thing they were asked not to do, which was tell people about my history.
It's not something I want to broadcast to everyone who knows me. My husband confronted his parents and sister and they said they only mentioned it to "a few close circle people" and they defended it when my husband said that wasn't okay.
SIL said it's not like people wouldn't find out eventually and he asked her how they would find out if we never told them. My history is that both my parents were married to others and had children with their other spouses when they had an affair. I was the result.
Both sets of first children were technically adults or close to it when I was born. The day before my 5th birthday we were in the car together and it crashed. My parents died and so did the people in the other car.
I was the only survivor and I was in hospital for a few weeks after. Nobody in either of my parents families wanted me and I was brought up in foster care the rest of my life. I never found a family.
After hearing SIL say what she did and realize how unapologetic they were and hearing how little they cared about what they did to me, I asked if I could speak to SIL for a sec and told her not to expect a cake from me after going against what I wanted and having such little care for the harm it caused.
She went crazy and said it was only 3 days until the birthday party and my husband backed me up and said so what. She and their parents were blowing up his phone so bad he had to block them and I worry that I'm being a bit of an AH saying no with such short notice. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
And what the heck does it even have to do with you having your own kids? So much is none of anyone’s business! No more cakes for them!
No-Note-3098 OP responded:
The implication was my kids will carry the burden of being the children of an affair baby, that they won't know one whole side of their family and therefore it would make life awful for them, and I will bring kids into the world who will be hated as much as I was/am for simply being born to me.
Essentially I got the feeling she felt I shouldn't have children. I had to summarize what she said but yeah, she really made her feelings clear with that and also possibly brought up what my ILs did to her.
Aggressive-Bed3269
NTA. They treated you like family to your face, were willing to have you bake cakes for them, but they couldn't not share your personal backstory to others after being told explicitly not to.
Huge violation of trust and I am very happy to hear that your husband is backing you up and setting a boundary with his family. I'm also very sorry to hear that you're going through this... It must be heartbreaking. NTA.
No-Note-3098 OP responded:
It is. I feel a little like another family has just proven they do not care about me at all and after going through that my whole childhood, it's not easy to face it again.
LhasaApsoSmile
NTA. All she has to do is order a cake. What happened to you was horrible. Does she not get that? That being able to control who knows your history is one of the few things you have Claps for your husband.
No-Note-3098 OP responded:
I don't know if they don't understand or if they simply do not care. I feel like it's more the latter honestly.
midnightsrose77
ABSOLUTELY NTA. She betrayed you in the worst possible way. I'm so sorry. Honestly, I feel like my words are insufficient. I wish I could hug you, OP. Your husband is awesome for having your back on this.
Auntie-Mam69
NTA. What a horrible thing to do to you and then to not be apologetic? Your ILs can never make it up to you for giving a vicious gossip access to your personal history—maybe they did not directly tell her, but they DID tell someone who told her, which they were specifically asked not to do, and you and your husband will suffer your being the butt of this gossip from now on.
You have every reason to be outraged and to refuse to make nice here, short notice be damned. Three days is enough time for SIL to order a generic supermarket cake with her daughter's name piped on it. Daughter is three, she won't care who made it.
StrikingCow4967
OP: NTA. First off, I'm so sorry for what you faced growing up. What you grew up with was horrible. But you... are a miracle. After all you've faced you've shared kindness with people (in the form of those cakes and im sure other ways).
What your in-laws did... the words I have will definitely get me banned from reddit. I'm sure what my response would've been ... they would be happy that only the cake was lost. I do want to make a statement and I will invoke the legendary Harry Dresden:
"I don't care about whose DNA has recombined with whose. When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching--they are your family. - Jim Butcher, Proven Guilty."
You say you never found a family. I humbly submit that you might not have found a family until you found your husband. Not only did you find him, you claimed him. He is standing next to you now when his family are showing how ... wrong... they can be. It's gotta be a rough realization for him. Please make sure he knows that you know that he cares about you.
For now, survive this onslaught. You and your husband work together for the next response. Until your in-laws are able to speak and behave as adults, you just need to decide what you and your husband think your boundaries, limits, etc are with dealing with these.... special people.