'My brother is marrying my ex and I want to ditch their wedding. AITA?' UPDATED

"My brother brother is getting married to my ex and invited me to the wedding."

Here's the original post:

I (39M) have been a caretaker for my brother, Justin (33M) since he was 10. I was only 16 when our parents died. I had to take care of the household because my brother was still very little. I did everything for him. He was the apple of my eye. I guess I spoiled him a lot. I never dated that much because I was the breadwinner for my brother. That is until I met Melissa (35F), it was almost 10 years ago.

We dated for 2 years. It was great, my brother loved her. One day, I eavesdropping a conversation she was having with her friend. The gist of that conversation was something like her friend was asking about me. Melissa said that she loves me a lot, she loves that I take care of her in every way. But we weren't sexually compatible.

Her friend asked her if she is going to talk to me about it or how is she happy. She told her that her fix is my brother. She went on to explain how she and Justin have been having an affair for 8 months. She thinks it is justified because she thinks Justin is better in bed than I am. You can imagine how painful it was for me. I went inside the house pretending I didn't hear a thing.

I confronted Justin about it. I know how get him to talk. I pressed this matter after he was denying it. He eventually broke down and said it was the truth. He didn't say anything because he didn't want to hurt me. He and Melissa are in love and wanted to get married but Melissa won't leave me. I was furious. I told him he is dead to me and left.

I also kicked out Melissa and she stayed with my brother and his roommates. My brother was banging on my door non-stop. I had to move in with a friend and told everyone to not disclose my location to my brothers. His calls and emails were all the same that he was sorry and he never wanted to hurt me and he will break up.

I stopped the bank account (something like a trust fund) that I mad made for him that he can access when he is 25. He was not my brother anymore. I went into deep depression. I didn't eat or sleep properly. I would have nightmares of my brother and ex laughing at me that I suck in bed. That if I was good enough she would have never left me.

Luckily, my friends saved me. I do not have much friends but they were my rock. I stayed with them for a year. I went to therapy, I did group sessions. I had a lot of anxiety regarding intimacy so I didn't date for a long time. My friend encouraged me to try. I did try once with a one night stand but it was bad for both of us. I still go to therapy to this day.

But other aspects of my life has improved. I focused more on building new relationships with new people. I went to travel and explore more hobbies. I was living for myself.

I am in a relationship with someone for 3 years now. We are engaged and we are having a kid together. Wendy (32F) is a really nice person. She knows all about my insecurities and problems that I faced because of my brother. She was mature and patient with me. I was able to trust someone enough to be in a relationship. 2 days ago, I got an invitation in my mail about a wedding.

And as the title says it was from my brother. He has kept tabs on me from afar and invited me to his wedding with none other than Melissa. Looking at their names doesn't hurt that much now. I feel numb. If it was 8 years ago, I would have a meltdown. I still feel this pain that I cannot be happy for my brother's big day. My fiancé suggests that we shouldn't go and delete the invite.

What do you think? Is he an a-hole if he doesn't go to their wedding? This is what top commenters had to say:

Top-Independence81 said:

Don't go. If he actually gave half a shit about you, I wouldn't have done this in the first place. He's so self centered he can't even see how much this hurt him. He doesn't deserve your support. If he tries to press you on this, just hang up on him or delete him. If he shows up at your house, don't answer. He made this bed, make him lay in it.

RichestSugarDaddy said:

I could only finish reading the first paragraph. I would just pretend I forgot his wedding day and turn my phone off that day.

chelsea5532 said:

He is no longer part of your life and there is no requirement for you to attend. You’ve built a new life and you don’t need any setbacks. Leave the past in the past, he made his choice and they had consequences. Congratulations on your engagement and baby 🤍

Jaded-Succotash1272 said:

Who needs enemies when u have a brother and ex like that. So sry dude.

Puzzleheaded_Aside_3 said:

Respectable me would’ve ignored it. But toxic me would’ve went to the wedding and leave before i can say anything. Showing my presence is making a statement without actually making one.

1forthebirds said:

Both of them are a couple pieces of work thinking that an invitation to their wedding would be appropriate or welcomed given the circumstances. Wtf

Verdict: *in a Maury voice* You are NOT the a-hole!

A month after his original post, he shared this update on the situation:

Hello guys, I was thinking about making an update soon. I know people in reddit really likes updates. But I delayed it because I have a baby girl now. When I posted this my fiancée (now wife) was already 8.5 months pregnant. We had an early delivery. My baby girl, Emily, is so cute. She is a little bundle of joy for both of us.

She is so tiny and cute. She has eyes just like mine. I cannot believe we made something so precious. I spent as much as time holding her. My wife gets pissed because she thinks I am going to coddle her to death. Also my fiancée and I got married pretty quickly. It was a court marriage. Neither of us wanted a big wedding anyways. We are all fine.

Some of you asked me how my brother knew my address. Well he didn't. He only knew my email, my work email. He probably knows what company I go to so from there he tracked down my email and sent an invitation. Few days ago, I get another email from my brother. I have forgot to block him. I usually don't check my work email because most of them are forwarded in slack.

My brother made a huge ass email. He basically told me he knows I will not come to his wedding but still wanted me there for his big day. He apologized for what he has done and that he would never forgive himself for doing wrong. He knew he shouldn't have slept with Melissa. But he did it anyways.

Growing up he had been jealous of me. He was jealous that I am the more capable brother who is just babysitting him. When Melissa approached him, he felt like he has more importance.

He knew he was wrong. He wanted to stop. The day I said he was dead to me, he had a panic attack. He tried his best to contact me but my friends refused to give up my location. He was begging them. He and Melissa split up for a while. He was desperate to find me. He hit rock bottom when he heard from a friend of his that I tried to commit suicide. Even his friends judged him harshly after what he has done.

His friends saw me as a big brother too. So they all refused to be at his wedding with Melissa. Melissa and he reconciled 2 years ago. By that time Melissa was a single mom. She feels guilty about what she has done because the father of her child has cheated on her and left her. She also wanted to meet me and say sorry. From there they rekindled their romance.

Lastly, he said he cannot go through with the wedding. He called it off and he fought with Melissa and they broke up again. He wants me to be with him in his most important day. He knows I have disowned him. But he is willing to do anything to reconcile. Even if it takes him his whole life.

That's it. There was bunch of whining stuff that I ignored. I deleted the email. My therapist said, forgiveness isn't something that is forced. It comes from subconscious level when we know we can forgive that person. And it should be an option only when someone shows that they are sorry by their actions and not by their words. Honestly, I don't want to.

I know I am being petty and cruel but I am happy the way my life is. Adding him will cause stress. My wife told me to forget it. My brother is not guilty at all. As soon as I forgive him, he would go back to Melissa. He needs to figure out his life his own. I have babied him enough. Now it is his turn to be an adult.

PREACH my dude!