'Nobody showed up to my wedding because I married my sister's crush.' UPDATED
"No one from my family showed up [to my wedding] because I married my sisters crush."
My sister and my husband went to college together. She had a crush on him since day one. He was all she talked about. They became part of a very close group of friends and that same year she invited him and her friends to spend boxing day with my family. That’s where I met him. We slept together that same night and I felt horrible.
My sister eventually moved on. She met her husband and she got married last summer. Under all these years my husband and I met sporadically and one of the times he told me he loved me but what could we have done? We tried to date others and I tried to forget him but I couldn’t imagine myself with anyone else and that made my relationships short and loveless.
We met again “officially” on my sister’s wedding, she had invited all her college friends, my husband and I met and he asked me to stop running away and we started dating secretly. A year later he proposed. Now I had to tell my family. I have never endured so much hate and isolation in my whole life.
I lied to them. I told them that we met at my sisters wedding and we hit it off. I never told them how I’ve been in love with him for almost a decade and that we have met at least once a year since that Christmas and they’ve been the best days of my life.
My sister is happily married and she just had her baby. Still she told me she hated me and never wanted anything to do with me. My family shared the same sentiment. That I’m a horrible person.
My husband told me he didn’t care about a wedding if my family not showing up would hurt me. We have wasted many years and that we didn’t choose to fall for each other. He wanted me to be his wife. I still sent invitations to my family but nobody showed up. Only my friends and my husbands family. I wish they could forgive me for finally choosing my happiness
Edit to add: Maybe I didn’t do a good job about my sister’s crush. My sister is outgoing and she was always open with her thoughts and feelings so her crush on my husband was a well known thing to us sisters and mother. And it was known for the longest time. That’s why:
1) If they have known about me and him going back longer than what I’ve said, believe me they would have confronted me long time ago, given their strong reaction after I told them even after all these years. They wouldn’t be silent if they knew something was up.
Also they were really shocked and felt that I betrayed my sister and hurt her feelings because he’s an old crush and we don’t date each others crushes let alone marry them.
2) I misjudged my sister’s crush. We all knew she was in love and that she was hurt when he didn’t reciprocate but I thought by the time she met her husband she was over him. Now I’m not sure.
3) I haven’t spoken to my sister’s husband in months but from what I’ve heard, he’s not happy about her reaction and things aren’t going so well with them. This is also added to why my family is angry, because I caused the rift between my sister and brother in law.
Here's what top commenters had to say about it:
madamdepompadour said:
I suspect your sister may know what you did all those years ago hence the animosity.
captain_stabbinCR said:
The family definitely knows OP lied.
ayymahi said:
there has got to be more to this story. No one showing up to your wedding is extreme but the reasoning behind it doesn’t add up…
0hip said:
She brought her crush to meet your parents and you banged him? Tbh that was a bad person thing to do
nicarox said:
Ngl,,,, You’re kind of a horrible sister. Why would you do that to her. And I’m not talking about marrying the guy necessarily, I’m talking about banging him when you knew full well that she liked him. That’s just real shady of you.
Since her original post, OP has posted this update on the situation:
Many of you suggested that I should come clean. And there are pros and cons. Pros is that its the right thing to do, and if my sister wants to hate me she has the right to know the full extent of my betrayal. I will never pretend what I did back then was right. I just fell for him, is that a good enough excuse?
And seeing that I still love him so many years later, it was real from the beginning. Cons is that it would probably hurt my sister even more and probably jeopardize her marriage even more if it turns out she’s still hung up over my husband.
So I wrote a long email to my mother telling her everything and asking her what I should do. I texted her to go read it. That was last night. This morning she called me and was so cold. She didn’t ask how I’ve been, didn’t congratulate me, didn’t ask about my husband. She was on point and warned me about telling my sister anything.
She said that my brother in law has moved out from their home and is asking for divorce. So if I told my sister everything now it will only make it worse for her. She said that I’m not allowed to contact my sister in any way and for any reason. I should leave her alone and move on with my life.
She said that she couldn’t believe her eyes when she read my email and how horrible I actually have been towards my sister “worse that I thought” My mom’s coldness made me understand how much I’ve hurt my family. I apologized about everything. I apologized for my sister and for breaking our family. She said, is there anything else? Fine goodbye then.
Later my oldest sister called me. She has always been the gentlest and she told me that she missed me and that mom told her everything. The separation between my little sister and her husband is serious.
They have been fighting for months now and he left on my wedding day because my sister was very angry and crying all day. Big sister said that they didn’t want to bother me with these details in my honeymoon. I asked her if she was angry at me and she said that none of them actually is (maybe except little sister) but that I should give it time.
I’ve talked to my husband now about everything and I asked him if we have messed up. He just comforted me and told me to be patient, but I don’t know. Our marriage started with hardship and at the cost of one of my favorite people and her husband. I’m so sorry.
Commenters are responding to her update:
[deleted] said:
Thank you for your update. Whatever is going on between your sister and her husband is NOT your or your husband’s fault. You know that right? Your love survived hardships for years don’t ever doubt it surviving now. Good luck OP.
itsnotimportant2021 said:
I read the earlier post, and I get why your sister is mad, but seriously she needs to get over it. You're not responsible for her hang ups, and that's what's costing her her marriage. I can't blame her husband for asking for a divorce, I would feel like s#!t too if my wife was so distraught over someone she NEVER EVEN DATED.
It sounds like your big sister still wants to be in your life, you should encourage that and maybe have an advocate on the inside. Above all else, enjoy your happiness with your husband, live your life and make it good. You guys had a circuitous route to be together, so maybe it was meant to be. Best of luck.
And ThrillaTortilla said:
Did your whole family miss the part where she invited her crush to her wedding?? Why? Was her husband ok with it? Was he aware of her feelings for him? With her intense reaction I feel like she secretly would’ve been ok with him standing up and objecting mid-ceremony. There’s nothing you could’ve done.
From the sounds of it the breakdown of their marriage would’ve happened at some point- it just happened over this. I understand the guilt you feel but you are not responsible for other people’s feelings/reactions. You’ve attempted to make amends- she doesn’t have to accept. Make your peace and move forward and stop beating yourself up. If you don’t she will take down your marriage too.