'A man came up to me and said he's my father, but I already know who my dad is, or do I?' UPDATED 2X
"A man came up to me and said he was my father, but I already know who my dad is, or do I? What should I do? Is he a scam artist?"
Here's the original post:
He claims that he was married to my mom before my dad and she left him for my dad. He says this happened while she was pregnant with me and she put my dad on the birth certificate and "they" (my parents and grandfather) used their power and money to make sure he couldn't stay in contact with me. He also claims when I was five he tried again and my dad broke his fingers.
He says he is just now contacting me because with my grandad's tragic death last year it's "safe" now. Issues with this story:1) He had no documentation (although he promised to show me some and suggested he bring it by my apartment...that he knows the location of)
2) I am 20, why now? 3) My dad is a nonviolent man, I can't see him breaking anyone's fingers. He never spanked me when I was a kid and was always the pushover parent 4) My grandad traded stocks, he was hardly a mafia kingpin 5) My parents were childhood sweethearts and are still crazy about each other...in addition to being decent people
He also kept commenting on my money (saying I looked like a banker (in jeans and a button up) asking if my dad gave me my watch and how much my bike cost). He did tell me his name and his number and show his license and I am considering running a background check, but my parents see my expenses.
In his favor: 1) I look like him 2) I've never seen my parents wedding pictures 3) He didn't seem insane 4) He knew a lot of information that would be hard to find about my family 5) He mentioned a coat I had as a kid 6) I am an only child, my mom said that they never got so lucky as to have another
I don't know. I would usually ask my parents, but my mom just got diagnosed with breast cancer and I don't want to worry her or my dad that some pyscho is trying to swindle me or harass or harm me.
tl;dr man says he is my father. My dad has always been in my life and presumed to be my bio dad. Could this be a scam? How should I check it out? (my parents are going through a crisis so I'd rather avoid bothering them)
EDIT I called my real dad first, deciding that he was a better call than fakedad or the cops (until I access the situation). I asked if he knew NAME. He responded by asking if I was at my apartment, when I said yes, he said he'd be here in half an hour. Damn, this isn't good.
EDIT2 He is my biological father. My dad AND my mom showed up, he said it was more her story than his. Apparently when they were married he was abusive. She decides that he will never get near enough to hurt her child. Her childhood best friend offers to marry her. This is all pretty convoluted. My life and parents are a lot different than they were this morning.
This is what top commenters had to say:
LunchMeet said:
Wow, this is crazy. I couldn't imagine what I would do if this happened to me. Seeing as how you've updated it, can you give us some more details on how your parents reacted/what the situation was like when they came over?
And OP responded:
I opened the door- I was surprised to see my mom. Although I should've known he wouldn't come alone (both because that's not how they do things and because on Tuesdays at that time he is usually home between business and raquetball). We greet.
My mom hugs me. My dad just puts his hand on my cheek and says that I'm everything he could want in a son. I say so, who is NAME? My mom says I'll start at the beginning- I met him when I was 19, he was a moody violinist and it seemed the right amount of rebellion to fall in love with him. I was hardly the type to date a drummer. And then it unfolded.
By the end me and my mom are crying. My dad is holding her arm. And I don't know why this bothered me but I asked if they were in love. My dad said I've loved your mother since I was five years old, but we're both so stubborn it may have taken us forty years to realize it if we hadn't become a family to protect you.
We were going to get a divorce when you were two, but we were so happy neither of us brought it up. Then we all laughed a little and I'm heading there for dinner in a few hours. It's a screwed up situation but my family is still my family and i'm a lucky guy.
barefoot_yank said:
DNA test. Without it, there's no way of knowing. Have him pay for it.
And OP responded:
I'll call him and tell him that. Stupidly obvious I haven't.I just kind of freaked out.
joegekko said:
I've got a dollar that says that this dude is your biological father- but who gives a shit? Your dad is your dad. This guy is a shitheel who has not made any sort of concerted effort to contact you until you were an adult, and from what you've said it sounds like he's only doing that to weasel some money off of you. As far as you know, he's been spending the last two decades cooling his heels in prison.
And EvanMacIan said:
Okay. So you know now that he' really is your dad. THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE'S NOT TRYING TO SCAM YOU OUT OF MONEY. If you think that a long-lost relative who suddenly reappears is above trying to con you out of money, well then you're exactly the kind of person he's hoping you are. That's not to say he necessarily is trying to fleece you; just be prepared for it.
OP later shared this update:
After a lot of thought, I've decided that, all issues aside, I simply have no interest in this man who has my jaw and some shared DNA. I'm a junior at NYU doing a dual major and overload this sem, between that and lining up internships I barely have time to sleep. I have a great family and couldn't ask for better.
I was never that kid who wished his parents were anyone else (except maybe batman when I was 9.) I wish I had more time for them than once a week dinner and phonecalls, I don't wish I had some extra father figure and I've got enough friends.
If he were a decent man I might feel like I owe it to him. But considering the fact that his actions resulted in this and if my mom had stayed I would have been raised in an abusive home, likely abused myself, I don't feel bad about this- just relieved.
I also (for those who are worried about any possible truth from fakereal dad) i asked my dad if I could see any of the paperwork on my bio dad, to assuage curiosity. He assuaged my curiosity. The divorce papers were in there, the restraining order, and even pictures of my mom after he shoved her. Yeah, he's an scumbag.
He was waiting at my usual coffee shop today (will find a new one) and basically was pushy and an ass. He never once admitted any kind of wrong doing or anything. I ended the conversation by saying "Thank you for contacting me, but I am happy in life right now, if I ever change my mind I will contact you".
He then got this weird look of outraged dignity and said that I was an ungrateful little bastard and that if were richer than my dad I'd be on my knees. Then he said that without him I wouldn't exist. Said I was his only son and he wished he didn't have one, hell, he wished he didn't have a daughter as she was just as ungrateful. He said a lot more but that's the gist.
I have a dad, it's not this joker. I may look up the sister at some point in the future when I have the time and mind set to explore that. Although, she's probably just a kid.
Six months later, he shared this second update:
I took some time, but eventually curiosity got the best of me. She's 17 with a five month old and her background is completely different than mine. We corresponded a little on the internet but met today. I drove two hours.
She seemed like a nice girl. But I didn't feel like any "wow, we are related" moment or strong sense of kinship. Maybe I don't know how siblings are supposed to feel. I don't know. Mostly it was awkward. Me and 17 year old girls don't have a lot in common. She said I reminded her of someone on Gossip Girls and owned Justin Beiber cds.
But she did reinforce my belief that I'm doing right by not connecting with the biodad. He hasn't seen her son and hasn't contacted her in a year. Just wanted to let those of you who helped me out last year know. Thanks guys.