'AITA for hiding from my mom that I've been messaging her birth daughter?' UPDATED

"AITA for hiding from my mom that I've been messaging her birth daughter?"

Here's the original post:

When my mom (46 F) was 21 she was married to some guy in the states who was cheating on her when she was pregnant. She hated him and hated that she was having his baby, had a traumatic pregnancy, was really depressed and didn't like being a parent then so signed away rights to Elissa (25 F) some months after she gave birth. Elissa was adopted by her father's affair partner and raised by her.

My mom moved up north here to Canada, fell in love with my dad and married him when she was 30. She's had nothing to do with Elissa besides demanding she never contact her again after she tried to.

Last year my mom finally told me about Elissa but made it clear that she didn't see her as her daughter and that Elissa's mother was her father's wife. She also demanded that we not try to get them into any contact.

So that's cool and all, but I was really fascinated by this idea of a sister I never had. So I secretly started messaging her and even though she was hesitant at first, we've become good friends and I really want to meet her.

She's also become really successful in her field and works at the University of Toronto which is where I want to go. Ngl I really look up to her and would love to follow in her footsteps and Toronto's a lot better than the city we live in.

The problem was that I left my phone unlocked yesterday and my mom freaked when she saw that I was talking to her. She pointed out that she didn't want a reunion or me talking with her that we aren't family and doesn't want my siblings to know before they're my age.

I felt really bad because she started crying a lot like more than Id ever seen before. My dad told me it would be ok but hes the one who dropped me off at school even though its always her and I'm wondering if I was an @$$h@le to hide me messaging Elissa from her instead of being open about it.

Do you think she was the AH to keep this secret from her mom?

Here's what commenters had to say:

Latter-Ad-4065 said:

NTA. Just say this: 'Mom, I understand you have a boundary when it comes to her. I promise you, I will respect that boundary. I won't bring her up to you in any way and I won't push for a reunion. But please understand that this is someone who j genuinely look up to. I enjoy the friendship I have with her. I promise, she still won't be apart of your life. But please respect my decision'

bigfootapparently said:

This is not a popular opinion but here goes: YTA not for contacting your sister, but for doing it behind your mother's back.

Your mother did not have to be honest with you and tell you that you had a half sister, but she did and she made her boundaries very clear while doing so. You could have at least given her the same amount of honesty back by telling her about your intentions to get in touch with Elissa beforehand. It also could have been a good opportunity to clarify each of your boundaries.

[deleted] said:

NAH - I don’t think it’s right for your mom to try and stop you from having a relationship, but it also sounds like a decision regarding the adoption was made years ago and she’s established a hard boundary around a traumatic time. She’s not an @$$h@le for being upset that boundary may be violated.

I suggest you consider how you will respect your mom’s boundary while continuing the relationship with your bio sister and assure your mother that you respect her decision though it’s not the right one for you.

A few months after her original post, the daughter posted this update:

Hey guys thought I'd update. First thing I gave my mom a giant hug like my little sister does and said sorry and she forgave me. Then I had a big talk with mom and dad about Elissa. The first thing my mom asked was if Elissa wanted to meet her. She seemed sad when I told her that Elissa threatened to cut me off if I'd ever try to make them meet.

Then it got to what I wanted from Elissa and I said I just wanted to be her sister to get to know her and be friends in real life and not just on the phone. I did admit that I wanted to go to pursue the field I told them of at UofTcause of her.

I could tell my mom was getting a bit mad but dad pointed out Elissa is really successful a good role model and a good mentor and to deny me her would only hurt my future so I had their permission.

My mom did bring up the points that you guys did like what if I graduate or get married and stuff. I admitted that I didn't know but I'd find stuff that made it better or find different ways. I guess that hurt my mom so she said it's we'll deal when it happens but that she can work on her pain for me and if Elissa loves me she will too. I did have to promise not to tell my siblings (wasn't going to anyway) about Elissa.

Next time I talked to Elissa I told her that my mom found out we were talking and told her the whole mess that happened. She said she was glad that we could keep talking and it meant a lot to her that I want to be her sister. I told her what my mom said about me getting married and she said they'd find a way and joked that she could just put on a balaclava mask for all events to avoid being seen.

Well on Christmas Elissa FaceTimedd and showed me a really pretty ring her boyfriend got her and said she was getting married and my present was tickets to see her in Spring Break and an invite to her wedding stuff in the summer. She did say if my mom said I couldn't go she'd understand.

I talked with mom and dad and I can go as long as I can take my older cousin with me (he's 25 and has known all this for years) and according to Elissa I can. She wants me to have a role in her wedding! Hopefully things aren't bad in march and I can go to Toronto.

Honestly since then its all been great. I talk with Elissa a lot more she's gotten me into a game called Age of Empires, she's helped me with my chemistry homework, mom's been going to therapy about her and started training me in tennis.

And on Friday I got the invite card to her wedding and it was written for me as: to my sweet little sister! (have to hide it from my siblings tho) So I guess that's me using my one update to tell you guys that I think its a happy ending.