'My husband's ex died and he wants to take a paternity test to see if her son is his.' + MAJOR UPDATE

"My [33F] husband [35M] wants to take a paternity test."

Here's the original post:

My [33F] husband [35M] wants to take a paternity test. It is not what you think from the title. We've been married for two years, together for four, and we have a son [1M]. Prior to our relationship, my husband had several relationships. One of these was with Paula. Paula has three boys, 20, 15, and 5. Each of them has a different father.

Paula and my husband remained friendly following their breakup and while he never wanted me to be uncomfortable, they were a lot closer than typical exes. About a year ago, Paula's boyfriend had a massive heart attack and died. About a month ago, after a sudden cancer diagnosis, Paula died. My husband was devastated and has been crying pretty much every day.

I've tried to be there for him, but I don't know what more I can do for him. This has affected him in a way that I never thought it would. My husband admitted to me that when Paula became pregnant, they weren't sure of who the youngest son's father was. They had both been with her. She was living with the boyfriend so neither of them said anything to him.

Paula's oldest son is estranged from his father and is talking about dropping out of college to raise his brothers. The middle son is already with his father with whom he has a good relationship. My husband told me he wants to take a DNA test to see if Paula's youngest son is his and give him a home if he is.

Admittedly, the youngest son has very prominent recessive features that are prominent in both Paula's and my husband's families. He has not asked my feelings on this and I really don't know how to feel. We have our son, we have our family, and now he wants to upend everything without even asking me. In a year we planned to try for another baby.

Financially we could do it, but this is not my child! This is something I didn't even know about until last month!

At the same time, I don't want Paula's son to give up his life to raise his brother. Nor do I want to be the kind of person who tells her husband what he can't do.

I didn't want to date someone who had kids for this exact reason, and while I know it wasn't explicit, I still feel lied to in this respect. I'm trying to support him while still processing my own feelings. I don't even know how I feel and I don't know what to do.

To cut this off before people start writing fiction, no he was not cheating on me. When he told me, I asked him when this ended and it was before we met. Even though I didn't ask for it, he showed me text messages, his Google timeline, and several emails which backed this up.

Furthermore, we haven't spent a night apart since we've been married. Paula's boyfriend hated him, for obvious reasons, so he never went over there.

TL DR: Husband may have had a secret baby with his ex. Now that she's gone, he wants to push for a DNA test and adopt the child into our family.

Commenters offered advice and insight:

Allofme_allofyou said:

No matter the decision there WILL be a huge storm Of emotions. You guys should immediately get Counseling.

TheAmyHead said:

Being thrown by this, surprised, and taken aback are completely expected. Honestly, I'd be annoyed that he hadn't asked for your opinion and/or advice. But the only thing you can do is have him take the DNA test.

All parties will want to know eventually even if it's painful. If it is his child, him wanting to take care of it makes complete sense. And while it may be difficult for you, you'd need to become its stepmom and help out in every way.

scarlettwitch5224 said:

So this is a HUGE thing and I'm glad to see you are in counseling.

A few things I want to say just so you have someone else saying them.

1.) You have a right to be shell shocked. You have been blindsided by something that is lifechanging while you are trying to help your husband through a huge grief. There are so many emotions you need to work through here and you and your husband will need to have some seriously conversations.

Allow yourself to feel these emotions and PLEASE talk through them in counseling AND with your husband because you need each other right now.

2.) You need to seriously start preparing for the outcome of this test. I don't mean legally.

I mean mentally. If this child is your husband's son, you need to actually think through if you can handle this. If you can't handle this, that is understandable. But you need to start figuring that out now, for everyone's sake. If you can't do, recognize that your marriage might not survive. And that is a conversation you need to start having with your counselor.

3.) If you don't think you can do it, please don't fake it to keep your marriage together. That child deserves better, and your child will be okay.

4.) Even if you DO take this child in, you won't be his mom, and your husband won't be his dad. You will be his caregivers and parental figures, but he already has parents. They died, but they are still his parents. You will be stepping in to help finish the job your husbands close friend started. But you won't take her place, and your husband won't take her husbands place.

5.) I'm sorry. Honestly and truly I am sorry that you are in this situation. I'm sorry your husband is in this situation. I'm sorry that child is in this situation. This whole situation sucks and no one deserves it. I hope you and your husband are able to work through and you are able to give that little boy a loving home.

He needs it. And you seem like a very caring person, so I think you will be able to do it. You are reeling, and will need time to process. But you care for your husband and you care for those kids. Just keep pushing, keep working through it and eventually, no matter what happens you will end up on the other side.

Months after her original post, OP shared this major update:

It took me a bit to remember the password to this account, but wanted to provide everyone an update. My husband, Andrew, contacted Sean, the oldest son, and told him that he wanted to do a DNA test with Jack, the youngest. Sean apparently had suspicions because he knew my husband and Paula were seeing each other.

The test came back and Andrew is Jack's father. He told me that he understood if I wanted to go, but he had to be there for his son. Honestly, I'd been hoping that he wasn't the father so we wouldn't have to deal with it, but I just couldn't be angry with him. He was doing what he was supposed to be doing. So I told him that we would take Jack in.

It has been an adjustment to be honest. Jack didn't really understand why he was coming to stay with us and kept saying he wanted to go home. We've gotten him a therapist as well who has given us a lot of great advice on how to explain things. We've made sure to have Paula's parents over quite a bit to reassure him, and they're very grateful to be able to have that relationship with him.

Sean took a leave of absence from school last Spring. He was coming over pretty much every night to spend time with Jack which was great for both of them and the happiest I saw Jack was when Sean came around. I could tell Sean felt awkward around me, so I tried to give them their space and their time, but he was always very conscious about the time he spent and didn't want to upset me.

He's truly a sweet kid and just one of the nicest young men I've ever met. In August, one night, I noticed Sean hadn't come down and it was 10, about two hours past his normal departure. I peeked inside the room and found him asleep snuggled up to Jack. So I just shut the door and let them sleep.

The next morning, Sean came down the stairs very apologetic, and I assured him it was OK and offered him some breakfast. I learned that Paula told the boys that I hated the family which is why Andrew wasn't able to hang out with them anymore. Truthfully Paula really wasn't my favorite person in the world, but I certainly never hated her kids.

Sean told me that he knew it was best for Jack to be with us but he was afraid to lose his brother. That broke my heart. Sean's situation is complicated. He came out as gay at 16 and his father was not thrilled. So they really gave no relationship at this point. His mom is gone, his middle brother is with his father and he barely sees him, so Jack is the only family he has left besides his grandparents.

I did something I never thought I would do in a million years and asked if Sean wanted to move in to be closer to his brother. He started sobbing and hugged me saying he'd love that.

He's pretty much moved in at this point and is back in school. My husband was shocked when he learned I had offered to have him move in, but agreed that it was the right decision. Jack is doing much better acclimating with Sean here.

He's amazingly helpful, always offering to assist me with things, pick up groceries, prepare meals, he's very sweet. He's listed Paula's house for sale and will split the proceeds of the sale three ways.

And for the news that made me decide to post, last month we found out that we're pregnant again! So in the span of a year we've gone from a household of one child to a household of three children with one on the way!

There's a lot of emotions associated with this that I'm dealing with. I still do a lot of crying and questioning, but I think our marriage is stronger than ever, we're communicating better, and I can say that I genuinely love my life.

TL:DR My husband was the father. We are now taking care of his son and we took in his older brother as well. We have a baby on the way. Life is good.