'AITA for announcing to my BIL and his friends that my partner and I are going to get laid?'

There are people who don't get hints, and then there are people who refuse to listen to very straightforward boundaries. When you're dealing with this kind of person, you sometimes have to hit them with a hammer of "no."

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for anouncing her and her partner were going to "do it" in order to get her BIL to leave. She wrote:

"AITA for announcing to my BIL and his friends that my partner and I are going to have sex?"

My partner and I bought a lovely house that's great for hosting get-togethers. Most of the time, we invite friends and families (mainly friends now). Earlier this week,, my BIL asked if we could host a get together at our place since a friend is visiting the state, AND he wanted to give this friend a house tour. Just a disclaimer, I really dislike having my BIL over because he doesn't respect boundaries.

We ask guests not to go into our bedroom and my office, but he goes in both because "he was looking for our cats" or "he wanted to check the place out." This man is 11 years older than us. My partner and I barely had time for each other due to our busy work schedules. And this weekend, we were looking forward to "us time". My partner said he didn't really want people over, and I said the same.

My partner texted back, "we can't. Sorry, we're busy this weekend." BIL kept pushing and calling asking why we couldn't make time, and he claims it's only going to be a few hours. And this friend rarely visits the state we live in. My partner just kept reply that we're busy. He keeps asking what we're doing and why are we busy. Saturday evening, we're relaxing and playing videogames in the living room.

BIL calls my partner, says that they're outside dropping by really quick. Partner says that we're busy. BIL argues, seeing us from the window, that we're just playing games. More arguing. My partner hangs up, and aggressive knocking follows. We go and open the door, and there were 7 other people with him. They had alcohol and snacks.

This is a common issue between BIL and us. I'm just fed up with this. And I kinda just asked what they were doing here, and that we can't hangout tonight because we had plans to relax. Went on a tangent about our busy weeks while they stood out in the cold. I ended the conversation with, we plan to have s*x tonight and don't want people around while we're at it.

We already told (BIL name) that we're busy. He wants details, here--we're having *ex. All night. Good night, stay warm. Well, BIL talked to FIL. Now I'm getting calls and texts on how crude and rude I am and I have no decency. My partner doesn't care how I handled it and understands I'm sick and tired of BIL. AITA?

Redditors had a lot to say about OP's problem-solving skills.

atealein wrote:

NTA. "BIL, take a HINT, we want to be ALONE". BIL doesn't take a hint, obviously you have to spell it out. He is 11 years older than you and he complains to his daddy that you said the S E X word? Wooo!

ExitingBear wrote:

It could be one of those situations that's so weird that you don't know what to do but stand there awkwardly hoping that either it will become normal shortly or you can find an exit that doesn't make it weirder. Or

BIL: My brother is having a get together at his place, we can swing by

Guest: cool, I'll pick up some beer and snacks

Arrives. No get together is happening.

Guest (wonders to self): BIL drove here, so do I wait for him to give up and drive elsewhere? Or call Lyft? Or just pray for the earth to swallow me whole? They told him not to come??? What's with this guy?

And scene.

OP responded:

This is what happened. 100%.

AllegraO wrote:

And who tf thinks it’s ok to show your friends around someone else’s house? Sounds like BIL lost his marbles.

OP responded:

For the longest time, since we started dating, BIL had this mentally of "What's my brother's is mine." So, he would constantly want to go to our apartment, visit my partner's cat, claiming it's their cat (cat is gift to my partner). It's starting to extend to the house as well. So, BIL would want to hangout for HOURS at my partner and I'd apartment. I hated it.

Talked to my partner, partner talked to brother--brother did not get the hint. He thinks that since my boyfriend lives there, he has a right as well.

Physical_Ad6875 wrote:

For real, quit answering the door. Say no and stick with it. He’s not getting the “hint” because he keeps getting his way. Good job not letting them in, but your husband should have told him to go away without answering the door when he called.

On Saturday, it could have gone:

BIL: We’re outside, just stopping by really quick.

Husband: No, we already told you we’re busy this weekend.

BIL: I can see you through the window, you’re just playing video games, let us in.

Husband: yep, that’s what we’re busy doing. We don’t have to justify what we do with our time to you, and you are not invited to be here right now. I realize that it will be embarrassing for you to tell your friends that you came all the way here and now aren’t being allowed in.

OP responded:

The only reason we answer the door is due to knocking being loud and both of us cannot stand it. But you're right, it really encourages this behavior. I guess it's time to invest in noise canceling headphones.

This embarrassment could have been avoided if you had respected our previous answer and not shown up uninvited. Of course he still would have tried to bulldoze his way in by knocking and yelling, but if you hold firm, his assumptions that what’s yours is his will go away eventually. It may ruin the relationship, but it doesn’t seem like that would be much of a loss if at all.

Evening_Tax1010 wrote:

I kinda feel like this might be dr*g related? Like maybe OP has a prescription that BIL skims. That would explain why he’s going through the house and why it’s so important for his friends to party at that location. He promised them drugs that he can get from OP’s house.

writinwater wrote:

That's a distinct possibility. OP, do you have prescription meds? Maybe start keeping count of them.

OP responded:

Partner and I do, mainly ADHD related drugs. But BIL doesn't believe in mental health or neurodiversity, so he stays away from those drugs.

He just likes to looks around a lot, not sure why though.

writinwater responded:

If he's taking them, he's not taking them because he thinks he's neurodiverse or needs mental health treatment. He's taking them because they get people who are not neurodiverse high, and he wants to get high. Dr*gs like Adderall and Ritalin have been abused by people without prescriptions since they came out.

They're probably abused by a lot of people with prescriptions. Many of the people without prescriptions steal them from friends, relatives, or partners who do have prescriptions. That's what the commenter above me and I were suggesting, not that he's secretly trying to self-medicate self-diagnosed ADHD.

Evening_Tax1010 wrote:

I have ADHD. One of my c0kehead classmates kept wanting to “try” my meds. She finally realized it was easier to get her own script than it was to travel into the city to score. Other people I know will take adhd meds so they can “keep the party going”. So, yeah. Definitely count your pills every time BIL drops by. Also, these people are why it’s so gd difficult to get my meds and it irks the sh*t outta me.

OP responded:

Yeah, it took a long time for either one of us to get prescribed. It was a frustrating processes. But both of us will be cautious and move our medication elsewhere (most likely lock those rooms when visitors are here).

RayGeFilled wrote:

Does BIL live with his parents still? Sounds like that’s the case and he’s using you and your partners space to entertain his friends, so he can pretend he’s got his own place when he wants, but doesn’t have to pay bills like an adult.

OP responded:

He lives in a 2br apartment on his own. Probably doesn't want the responsibility of owning a house, just wants the fun unfortunately.

ColdstreamCapple wrote:

NTA. But why is your partner allowing his father and brother to put the blame all on you and not defend you? He should of put them both in their place…with the BIL you’d already told him he wasn’t welcome.a quick call to the police may have dispersed his group on the front lawn as he’s showing he doesn’t respect you and thinks he can walk all over you and your husband.

Father in law can mind his business, Next time the party can go to his house and let’s see if he isn’t complaining. If your partner allows them to turn you into the bad person then you’ve got bigger issues then a party.

OP responded:

My partner only learned 5 years ago what boundaries were. He tries to set enforce most of it, but we can't really control their actions. Calling the police doesn't work much. They take 3 - 4 hours to get here (reported a different situation before, much more serious. They took their sweet time).

FIL listens. But, my partner needs to have a 2 hour talk with him due to language barriers (partner was born here, his family immigrated). My partner does not have the energy to talk it out atm, so we kinda blocked him for now.

Baldassm wrote:

What about the friends? They could see BIL trying to bully their way in, pounding on the door etc. Yet the other 6 people just stood there waiting to be let in. Strange.

OP responded:

They looked awkward. BIL has a tendency of "my way or highway". Last time, he lied saying I agreed to let them access to the rooftop of the old apartment I lived in (worked there, had access to every room). I did not agree because it's dangerous.

Neat-Ostrich7135 wrote:

BIL likes to entertain his friends at OP's House and leave her and his brother with the clean up. Ir because his house is not as flash, or both.

OP responded:

THIS HAS HAPPENED. But it's only me who cleans up! My partner does the things I hate instead (snow plowing, mowing, and etc). And I kid you not, BIL stance was "well, that's your problem since it's your house." Because we made it clear that the house is ours and not his, and he can't have his friends over every time he wants to! So, last time we allowed him, I HAD TO CLEAN UP.

Clearly, BIL needs to be cut off from visiting until he learns a serious lesson about boundaries.