'AITA for telling my brother not to bother showing up to my wedding?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my brother not to bother showing up to my wedding?"

I (31F) and my husband (29M) got married a week ago. Yay! I spent 2 years planning my wedding and everything was great except for my brother’s (36M) tardiness with every event he came to.

For context: my brother and I don’t get along. Never have. I only invited him for my parents. Also, I was adopted so he’s not biologically related to me.

He’s always late and in the past we’ve had to tell him an event was 2 hours earlier than it really was so he would be on time. He was late to my high school and college graduation and missed me walk both times.

When I was sending invitations, I put an extra note in his that read as follows “I know mom, dad, and I would love for you to attend, but if you’re going to be late, don’t bother showing up. Your girlfriend and her daughter are welcome to attend with or without you.”

He called me for the first time in years and cussed me out for the note. I held my ground and said I would still appreciate him coming to the wedding but is not allowed to interrupt the ceremony by being late.

He then called my parents and yelled at them as well. They said it was my wedding and they stood by my decision.

He came to the wedding. But he walked in as I was walking down the aisle and walked past me to his seat. I was horrified and embarrassed and mad. I didn’t know exactly what I was feeling in the moment but it was a mixture of things.

After the ceremony, my dad and my biological father (who I’ve become close with over the years since I met him) both spoke to my brother about how that was inappropriate and rude. My brother didn’t care and asked where the bar was. He was forced to leave. AITA?

Here's how people reacted in the comments:

Twentee4Hourz

NTA. Why do you continue to allow him to be a part of your life when he’s clearly not interested? I get some people are always late to things in life, but showing up late to your WEDDING let alone while you were walking down the aisle was intentional. Sometimes family doesn’t deserve to be family.

OP:

It’s one of the many reasons we don’t get along. He blames me ruining his single kid fantasy because our parents chose to adopt me. My dad is attorney and heard about my situation when I was 6 and adopted me. He said I ruined his life.

Twentee4Hourz

Girl, kick him to the curb, he’s not worth a life full of the drama he will constantly cause. Do your parents know he has said stuff like this to you?

OP:

No. I never told them. I don’t want to feel like they have to choose between their kids. My brother to remind that he’s THEIR son. I’m not their daughter. Just some kid they took pity on. But I never saw it that way.

Exciting_Craft8430

NTA. Brother's behavior shows he doesn’t give a crap, why should you ?

The_Owl_Syndicate

He did that on purpose. The timing is too exact to be an accident.

You said in another comment it's in your personality to care, which is fair, BUT you are also old enough to learn to set boundaries and stop letting people take advantage of your caring personality.

You don't have to care about everyone just because "it's your personality to care". Talk to a therapist and they can give you some tips on how to let certain people "go" and no longer be hurt by them. NTA.

LIsten_2learn

He timed his entrance to purposely disrupt the ceremony and ruin your moment. It’s good he was escorted out. NTA

Conuly

You're NTA. And if he doesn't want to be your brother there's no reason for you to try to be his sister.

OP:

He wants to be my brother when he wants to use my shooting range or my 4wheeler. I’ve never let him onto the ranch. He’s never even seen my house. My daughter is afraid of him honestly.

Acceptable_set3303

NTA. People who are always late are narcissistic assholes. They do not care about your time, they only care about themselves. imo, you never should have invited him, knowing what he is like.

OP:

I only invited him because my parents said would the photos with the whole family would be nice. He was kicked out before photos were taken. And the photographers stopped taking photos when he walked in so the shots weren’t ruined.

Pear_Melon

He literally walked past the bride on her way up the aisle??? That's a special kind of self-centred and selfish.

Peter095837

Being an adopted child can be challenging especially if the parents already had one child. Sometimes will get along and some don't.

With what has happened, it's clear that OP and the brother have no chances to fix the relationship between each other and at this point, going LC is the better choice for OP.

It's good that OP has made boundaries settled with and the parents are respectful of OP's decisions.

In response to comments OP had this to day:

I tried to have a relationship with him despite everything for my parents. My bio dad (bio mom passed away before I could get in contact with her) said to go NC as soon as he heard everything but I didn’t want my parents to think they had to choose.

My ranch hands are family to me. Every Sunday after church I cook a huge meal for them and their families. Most of them live on property so they don’t have to drive hours to get to work at 5 am. I even built smaller houses for the guys who have kids so they can all live together. I would do anything for my guys.

I worked with most of them before I started my own ranch. They followed me because our previous boss was a bit of a handful. lol I don’t like that I’m barring my brother’s girlfriend and her kid from the ranch but until things calm down she understands.

I still love them, I just can’t trust him not to show up. I love all 3 of my families (adopted, biological, and ranch) and would do anything for any of them if needed it. And I’m sorry for what your family has gone through as well. I hope your family finds peace and may the Lord bless your family and bring them joy.

I love his girlfriend. She’s an amazing woman and mother. When I was starting my ranch she co-signed on my loan for me (pissed my brother off) and I’ve already paid her back 10x. I bought her daughter a horse for Christmas 2 years ago and keep him at the ranch. I o

5 days later, OP returned with a conclusive update.

As a lot of people in the comments on the original post said, I told my parents everything: how my brother has told me that I ruined his single child fantasy, how my parents pitied me and that’s why they adopted me, how I’ll never be a member of the family etc.

I also told them that if I host any events at my home/ranch (I will be hosting Christmas this year since I have the space for the whole family: biological and adopted), my brother will not be invited. I do not want him in my life anymore.

The event at my wedding was the final straw. I will be civil if we see each other at family functions that I am not hosting, but I will not be in contact with him anymore unless there is an emergency with our parents.

My parents support and understand my position. I told them that this is not me making them choose between us and this is just me drawing a line in the sand and setting a boundary. I love my parents.

They saved me from a horrible situation and gave me the best life I could have hoped for. If not for them, I wouldn’t have my beautiful daughter, wouldn’t have met my husband, or have my amazing ranch.

My ranch hands, Lloyd in particular, said that if my brother ever attempted to come onto the ranch without my knowledge, they would boot him fast. Of course his wife and daughter are welcome anytime.

I want to thank everyone for the support and kind comments and helping me see that he does not treat me like family and I should stop trying to extend the olive branch since he keeps burning it.