Mom calls SIL 'dictator' after her well-behaved kids thrive at childfree wedding.

Is a wedding childfree if a few, select kids are allowed at the wedding? It may sound like semantics, but it led to a very real argument between one mom (whose son was not allowed) and her sister-in-law, whose kids flaunted their good manners all over the ceremony. In the aftermath, the discussion got heated. The mom took to Reddit's favorite forum, Am I the A**hole, to ask:

AITA for calling my SIL a 'dictator' for her parenting style after my son was excluded from a 'childfree' wedding?

I (32f) have a son (9m). My husband has a younger sister (SIL, 35f) who has two children (8f-6f). She and her husband are, in my opinion, pretty strict with their daughters. They're both psychologists, but I don't think they know what they're doing. These are some rules they enforce on them in public:

Raise their hands to speak and wait for permission.

Don't interrupt adults when they're talking.

Leave everything where it was after taking/playing with/moving it.

Everyone praises their daughters for being so well behaved, but I think they're cruel. I've never seen them running, screaming or crying. They play with other children well, but always clean up afterwards, and if they don't behave, my SIL gives them an angry look and they stop immediately.

I admit that my son is not the best behaved when we leave the house, but at least he acts like a kid. It's normal for them to be loud, messy, throw a tantrum once in a while and interrupt others. They even act like that when their parents aren't around and I feel sorry for them. They don't seem to be unhappy though.

My husband's brother got married a few days ago and the invitations said it was a childfree wedding, so we left our son with a babysitter. Like I said before, he doesn't behave well in public, and I knew he would throw a tantrum, so I decided not to fight it.

But my nieces were at the wedding, both of them as flower girls. I asked the bride in private later and she said 'Yes, it's a childfree wedding, but they're the exception. They're well behaved and I know they won't make a mess, unlike others' with a smile, referring to my son between lines.

I understand her reasons, but that comparison was unnecessary.

I feel like my son was unfairly excluded for behaving like a child. I talked about it with my SIL later and she didn't know it was a childfree wedding, since the bride included her daughters without any issue.

However, she agreed that my son wouldn't be able to behave well at a formal event and that perhaps I should 'teach him how to act in public.' That bothered me. I told her that I would rather have my son being happy than be a 'dictator' mom like her, because she's clearly abusive towards her girls.

SIL didn't say anything, just looked offended, took her daughters and left. But others sided with her, calling me jealous because her daughters are well behaved and sweet while no one can stand my son.

Everyone agreed and no one defended me or my son. So far, I've received calls and texts saying that I owe SIL an apology, that I was rude, bitter and a bad mother.

My husband also agrees that I should apologize and that we should teach our son some manners, because he's tired of him being excluded from big events for misbehaving (not the first wedding he didn't go to).

But I think I was right for telling my SIL the truth, and that she's denying her daughters a real childhood. So, AITA for calling her a dictator?

Edit: there are high chances that my son is on the spectrum. We'll know the diagnosis next week. I've suspected it for years, but my husband agreed to take him to therapy last month.

Here's how the internet jury ruled:

Turgidstir wrote:

YTA. I get the feeling that if there is a diagnosis of autism, instead of using it a an opening to find the tools and approach to finally address her son's serious behavioural issues, mom will use it as an ironclad excuse for them. It's really sad.

OP responded:

If the diagnosis turns out to be true, I will do everything to help my son. Maybe I'll even ask BIL for help, since he's a child psychologist, but I won't leave it at that.

To which Agentofchaos95 said:

Why didn't you start earlier? Your son has problems and has been excluded, but instead of reflecting you literally attacked someone that clearly has well-adjusted children.

Sparrowbuck wrote:

YTA. Your lack of teaching your kid manners doesn’t mean they’re cruel parents. If he has any issues that make it hard for him, they’re still NTA because it’s someone else’s wedding. Kids in a wedding party are an exception, since it was their wedding, not yours.

All of those rules are stuff I grew up with and I was allowed to run rampant otherwise.

'They're both psychologists, but I don't think they know what they're doing'

lol

Nervelli wrote:

INFO: At what age do you think a person should have manners in public and not throw tantrums? The way you describe your kid and the way others see him, it sounds like you let him act like a two year old. Is it okay for him to act like a toddler when he is a preteen?

If you don't address his behavior now, that's how he will continue to act in middle school and into high school. Is it okay for him to have a tantrum in the middle of the DMV because he has to wait in line to take his drivers test? People don't suddenly behave differently because of their age, they behave differently because they are taught to.

OP responded:

My son has manners, but I don't expect him to act perfectly all the time. He's allowed to slip up once in a while, much different than glancing at your kids if they raise their voices or speak without permission, like SIL does.

To which SadieTarHeel responded:

Look. I'm an educator. I have experience with thousands of children. Neurotypical children, children on the spectrum, children with ADHD, dyslexia, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, you name it, I've seen dozens of examples of it. One of my best friends is an autism specialist with post doc level research with kids and adults on the spectrum (including non-verbal and severe cases).

You're right. Your son is being excluded for something that's not his fault. It's YOUR fault. You're a shitty parent, and it's putting your child at a disadvantage.

Get it together before it gets worse. YOU are going to make your child's life waaaay worse if you don't.

Burning-Potato42069 wrote:

YTA. If your kid is noisy, messy and basically you can't control him (judging by you telling us about tantrums), you are part of the bigger problem.

Speckles9 wrote:

INFO: what does your SIL do that is abusive? I missed it in your OP.

Regardless, undoubtedly YTA. I really thought this had to be a troll at first, who thinks it’s bad parenting to teach your children to not interrupt and to pick up after themselves? But then I remembered that there are absolutely parents who think this is totally appropriate and do not teach their children standard manners or how to behave.

OP responded:

I think it's abusive that she makes her daughters act like little adults. They're girls, they should be able to express themselves without being glared at for raising their voices or running inside a house.

SergeantFawlty wrote:

YTA. YOU don’t know what you’re doing. You should be apologizing to your SIL (and the bride for that matter) and begging for parenting tips in order to get your family to actually want to be around your son.

It seems that YOU are the one repressing your sons maturation process, which will prove to be very unhealthy for him in the long run. I mean honestly, 9 year olds should no longer be throwing tantrums in public often enough that others openly avoid him over it.

Independent_Low614 wrote:

YTA. If he kids are playing well with other children and seem well rounded, then you have no reason to call her a dictator. Also, the couple gets to decide who comes to the wedding. Obviously your son isn't well enough behaved to make the list. Quit worrying about other people and raise your damn kid.

Temptressinateacup wrote:

INFO: Does your child not do those 4 things at school? What do his teachers say about how he is in class?

OP responded:

We haven't had any complaints from his teachers, just that he has a hard time socializing and sometimes has angry outbursts. He follows orders without problem, but not on his own initiative. That's why I suspect he's on the spectrum.

To which drowzeegarbagemom responded:

Uh… three of those things sound like “complaints from teachers” to me.

It can be harsh in the Reddit comments — good luck to OP.