Husband won't give up 'man cave' for 'spoiled' wife's ailing dad. (New response from wife)
"Wife (37f) and I (40m) are arguing about her father (65m) moving in with us. What should do?"
throwra-fil
There's a lot of background here so Ill try and keep it to what's relevant. Married 10 years, dated 3 before that. We have 2 kids. Her parents are divorced. Her mom comes from a wealthy family and when her parents got married her family did a lot of legal and financial stuff and prenups and stuff to keep the money safe.
Growing up her mom was busy a lot and was the primary breadwinner. Her dad really was the one who raised her. He was the one who took her and picked her up from school, who helped her with her homework and went to her shows, plays, games etc.
When she was 12 it turned out her mom had been having an affair and it led to her parents divorcing. This is where her mom's family's money comes in. They were able to afford very good lawyers and her money had already been locked up tight.
So she wound up with custody and he left the marriage with not very much to his name and since he had spent so much time raising her, he had neglected his own career. He struggled after that.
My wife has a ...fraught relationship with her mother. She never really forgave her mother for the affair the divorce and "her destroying his life." Once she was a teenager, she chose to move in with her dad.
So that's a bit of background, she remained close to her dad to this day. Hes been an active part of our lives and he spends a lot of time with our kids (who both love him) but he's been struggling. Covid was really hard for him because he really couldn't work. He fell behind on his bills and hes been struggling to catch up ever since.
He's now about to be evicted. My wife wants him to move in with us. She says its absolutely unacceptable to her for him to be homeless when we have a basement, we can move him into. Thing is. The basement is my space. Its set up to be my retreat and she now wants to turn it into a bedroom for him.
We've been arguing about this because she says she won't allow him to be homeless and my point is he won't be homeless. He has a place he can go with his sister, but she lives on the other side of the country.
My wife hates that idea. She says she wants him to be a part of her and our kids lives and not on the other side of the country. He's not a bad guy, I don't hate him or anything, I just want some space for our family. My wife's position is that he is family, and he can help with the kids.
She's accusing me of caring more about my "Mancave" than the wellbeing of her father. That's an exaggeration he isnt going to be homeless he can move in with his sister. This argument is starting to become pretty ugly now and she's threatening to take the kids and move out to find a place with him if I won't agree to let him move in here.
I resent that threat. I'm starting to wonder if this is really a hill I should die on. On the other hand, I'm shocked and angry that my wife seems ready to throw away our whole marriage over this.
Update: I'm going to talk to my wife about getting him an in-law suite in our yard that he can stay in permanently and give up the basement until we can build it. The comments have helped me play out how the most likely scenarios would go.
Just so everyone knows whose side you're all taking here. She's a spoiled rotten princess who grew up with a silver spoon in her mouth. Everything she has was given to her.
Between my salary and the trust fund her grandparents left her, she doesn't need to work but she does anyway and complains she needs her dad's help with the kids. I'm a surgeon and she's an Interior Designer. Which one of us contributes more to humanity? She's a shallow vapid woman who decorates houses while I'm saving lives.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
Angel-4077
You are ready to throw away your marriage for protecting your mancave...she is protecting her Father.
Maybe you have sister in a different state you could live with instead if its no big deal.
Ummmm-no2020
Thank you. I wondered when this would be mentioned.
PeggyOnThePier
Yes why is your "mancave"so much more important,than your family?She is looking out for someone ,she loves dearly. You are looking out for your "mancave".You keep saying you are looking out for "our home space ".
But it's your mancave not your family's. You need to decide, that you love your family more, and come to a agreeably solution. Op people have given you very good advice. Please talk to your wife and I hope you come to a good conclusion.
NotTrynaMakeWaves
“I just want some space for my family”
This is a lie. You want the space FROM your family. You described it as a retreat.
She’s not endangering your marriage, you are, but you’re trying to spin this story to make it look like she’s being unreasonable when you’re simply upset to be losing your man cave.
Let him stay. Build a shed.
SnooWords4839
Sounds like you need to add on an in-law suite, in the meantime, FIL gets the mancave.
Well, it seems that the OP's wife found his post on Reddit and she was obviously upset. She decided to share her side of the story.
"My Husband is too busy and too important to care about our children and I'm sick of it."
Angra-Momyu
My husband is a surgeon. And according to him he's the most important person in the world. A god among men who casually determines life or death and is far far too important to be bothered by the trivial concerns of us mere peons.
Concerns like maybe you should spend some time with your own kids. But oh no. You see he works so hard and has so much pressure that when he's home he has to be sequestered from the annoying sounds of our girls playing or you know being happy to see him.
My dad has picked up the slack. He's been the one thats changed their diapers, I drop them off at school and go to work, dad picks them up and stays with them till I get home.
My dad was the one who taught them to ride a bike. My dad is the one who shows up to the plays and dance recitals, he's the one that helps with the homework. My dad is the one who dresses as Santa. My dad is the one who does the easter egg hunts and the tea parties. My husband is far too important for any of that.
And despite the fact that my husband has absolutely no interest in our kids he is still angry that the kids are closer to my dad than him. So my dad is now struggling financially. We have the means to help him. But my husband doesn't want to. He'd rather see my dad moved to the other side of the country and removed from our kids' lives.
I put my foot down and he goes on to reddit to whine about it. Well now I'm here too, dear. You want to whine about our marriage on reddit? I can do it too!
Here were the top rated comments from readers after hearing the wife's side of the story:
BladeOfGrassDewDrop
Your dad’s a great dad and grampa. Your kids will know that.
The OP's wife responded here:
Angra-Momyu
The kids love him. He's been a daily fixture in their lives since they were born. They know him better than they know their father.
linoelum
Maybe it’s time to put dad on the payroll for all the caregiving duties. It’s not money given to him, but money owed to him for the work he does.
fossil-witch
Wish I could upvote this 1000 times. Put it to your husband as paying your father for his time and effort as a babysitter. Since your husband has no time to help out with his own kids and if your father wasn't around you would be paying for a babysitter, this is perfectly reasonable.
I agree that your father deserves to get paid for sacrificing his time and energy to do the things your husband should be doing!! It definitely SHOULDNT have to happen that way as your husband should be perfectly willing to help out your dad financially, but since he isn't this sounds like a good compromise that will still be helping your dad out.
Your husband will have a rude awakening if your dad has to move to the other side of the country and he actually has to pick up the slack for your children. Your husband sounds like a complete deadbeat. You can be successful in a career and still be a total deadbeat in every other way that matters.
Hope you show him this post so he can see everyone blasting him to kingdom come for his behavior. Hope I never have to have him as a surgeon, I can't stand people who act like gods gift to the world for being good at 1 thing.
lynypixie
I work with doctors, including surgeons. I don’t know a single (male) surgeon that doesn’t have a side chick and is not divorced, often multiple times. Surgeons are a mess and they are the last people I would ever date. (Yes, I know there are good ones. But they are extremely rare)
Pretty_Green_Feather
I commented on his post before I saw yours. I’m a surgeon married to a surgeon and i am so so sorry. Yes the work is demanding but this is just him being a complete tool and a narcissist, the job just happens to feed into it. I wish you every happiness for you and your girls and I am so so sorry this is happening.
The OP's wife again responded here:
Angra-Momyu
Thank you and Im sorry, I was trashing surgeons in this post earlier...
The OP's wife later returned to comment on her husband's original post.
Here is the post that was removed:
(Saved and shared by Grand-Muffin409)
I'm done. This isnt about the mancave or the space and you know it. We have the money to help my dad, we have a 7 bedroom house with a pool house and a movie theater. This isn't about space or money. This is about you being petty and jealous that the girls are closer to my dad than you.
Get this through your thick head. THATS YOUR FAULT! For 9 years everything else in your life has been more important than the girls. You work 70 hours a week and when you're not at work you go golfing with the people you work with, or you're at a medical conference with the people you work with, or you're dragging me to some fundraiser with the people you work with.
When you ARE at home you need to sequester yourself because "The sound of MY children playing annoys you" You seem to conveniently forget that they're your children to! You only seem to remember that part when I want to move my father in to help me with our girls.
It's amazing how you can be so smart and so stupid at the same time. You're upset the girls love dad more than you. And you're such a petty and small man that your solution is to ship him off out of their lives and break our girls hearts. But you dont plan to actually be a part of their lives. You just want my dad gone. I won't let you take him out of their lives.
The family is me, the girls and my father. Your family are the people you work with, and your married to your job not me. Well you can have it. Don't come home. Stay at the hospital or go to your wh$*/e's house. (Yea I know about her) I don't care anymore. I'm done.
I'm done trying to make this marriage work, Im done begging you to be a father. The girls won't miss you anyways. You've never shown an interest in their lives and I am done letting you hurt and neglect my children.
They deserve someone in their lives that loves and cares for them and shows interest in them. You dont. You want to drag this out onto reddit then fine. Lets do this on Reddit. I'm divorcing you. We're done. Go save the world, you're free.
By the way. You're worse than your parents. They may have been weird and misguided but they were a part of your life. And now he wants to talk about this in private everyone. Now he has a problem with this being on reddit. You're the one who brought it here honey. Deal with the bed you made.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this comment from the OP's wife:
The_Salty_Red_Head
I just went to read all his comments. Gurl? He is awful. Why are you with him? Almost every comment shows what an absolutely disgusting scumbag he is. He sounds like a child throwing a temper tantrum.
You either need to throw him out or just leave. He's never going to change. Sounds like he sees you and the girls as nothing more than trophies he can hold up to say he has a family, rather than actually BEING a family.
gretta_smith93
DUDE he’s cheating on her too? So he has time for a mistress but not his daughters?
cyberGI11
The schadenfreude in the OP is strong in this one. I mean, I know they say surgeons have a God complex and usually end up divorced, but this it all that with flashing neon red flags and stop signs on top of it.
Compulsive-Gremlin
In one year this guy will post how he misses his wife and daughters…
healmehealme
OH YAY!! I didn’t see this update yet, but GOOD! Good on you for protecting your family. I wish you, your dad, and your girls all the happiness your husband has been robbing from you all the time.