Man cuts off wife's 'spending privileges', calls her disabled sis a 'faker' 'scammer.'
When money is tight, so are tensions. But is that an excuse to say horrible things about loved ones?
When a new father felt that his wife's relationship with her sister was interfering with how he wants things to be, he laid down the law. Then he asked Reddit if he went too far.
'AITA (Am I the A-hole) for telling my wife to stop being a pushover or I would take away her spending privileges?'
My wife (25F) of 5 years has a sister (20F). She’s somewhat disabled, and while this may sound contradictory she has a condition which makes working difficult but not entirely impossible unless she is under stress (neurological condition, loses muscle control, makes her hit/throw stuff, fall over).
I have no problem with her sister.
Right...
She is sweet and nice to have around, my wife loves her more than anything. She basically raised her and stepped in when her parents wouldn’t or couldn’t.
This has led to a relationship closer to mother daughter. My wife would constantly be paying for stuff for her sister, and this made sense to me when she was a minor and was doing much worse health wise.
Recently though this has increasingly been getting under my skin. I am the sole provider for my household right now since my wife was pregnant, and only gave birth recently.
We’d spend a lot to buy her sister gifts for holidays, which she would never return the favor - even with something cheap with thought (or no thought) put into them. We’d always take her out to events or dinner and pay for her every time. She would never even pick up the bill for herself.
And there's 'no problem' with that?
Again, wasn’t entirely an issue until she became an adult - and now I’m fed up with it.
She expects my sister to do things like pay for her to go to the doctor, or invites us out to lunch and then expects us to pay. She doesn’t even schedule her own appointments, my wife takes her wherever she asks even if she has the ability to do it herself and we live 45 minutes away.
She always talks about how she's freelancing and is making money, but then somehow has no money whenever she needs or wants anything.
I did not have an issue with this either, really. I thought my wife was being a pushover, but it's ultimately her money. Until recently.
Here it comes...
Now she's spending my money on her and it's really getting me angry. I want to spend my money on my daughter but we’re spending money on this financially irresponsible leech.
I explained this to my wife in a much nicer way, but we ended up in a fight where I called her sister some pretty messed up things.
*see in comments below*
I ended the conversation by telling her I would take away her access to our joint bank account until she contributes again if she doesn’t tell her sister to grow up and that she is not her mother, and she is no longer a child.
She cannot be dependent on people forever. I think it’s an important lesson for her to learn. If she doesn’t learn it, she (my wife) can get back to work and continue supporting her until she's 40 with her own money. Not mine.
She honestly thinks this is an end of the world situation, I think it's quite clear this is for the better. I think she's scared of hurting her sister but at this point she's crippling her by allowing her to do nothing.
What do you think? Is OP's clear distaste for his SIL a result of empty pockets or something more personal?
Here's what Reddit had to say...
YTA (You're the a-hole) because you think your wife not working after giving birth is spending ‘your’ money. I’m betting your wife is doing the majority of the parenting and home duties - that’s her contribution and she’s entitled to have equal access to the money.
Of course there should be agreement on large spends, regardless of who’s making the money but you’re not entitled to her free labour and child gestating abilities.
ESH (Everyone sucks here). You have a very chauvinistic view towards gender roles in your marriage. Your wife isn't taking a vacation or being lazy. She is on maternity leave for giving birth to your daughter. Whatever money is coming into the household should be shared equally. Having said that, you and your wife's primary responsibility is to raise and support your new daughter, not her sister.
OP responds:
I should have worded it better in my post. I just meant having the debit card and using our money on her sister. Not taking away all her access to money but setting a limit, or giving her cash so she can't just get suckered into paying for stuff.
I also understand the comments about my wife being a homemaker means she is putting in equal work so my money is her money, but we are on a single income and we can barely afford our family's needs. I can't give her half my salary so she can spend half of that on her sister. A majority of it goes to keeping us paycheck to paycheck right now.
So this sister, that is 'somewhat disabled', but 'not entirely impossible to work' (as long as she isn't under stress when she literally loses physical control and can hurt herself) is someone you have 'no problem' with and find nice and sweet ... yet few paragraphs later is suddenly a 'financially irresponsible leech'? Did anyone else get a whiplash from this change in tone?
Honestly, forget about the disabled sister, who your wife has as a dependent since before you were married. You had an argument with your wife, who recently gave birth, and you literally threatened to cut her off your joint finances if she doesn't do what you want or 'she starts contributing again'. And that's why for me YTA.
The sister is now an adult- there are resources and programs to provide support for her if she is unable to work? Disability? Are her parents still in the picture ? I understand your wife has been a parent figure but now she is an actual parent. Agree with the message but not the delivery. If supporting the sister isn’t sustainable your wife can help her by signing her up for assistance. NTA (Not the a-hole).
OP:
Her disability isn't immediately covered, she'd have to get a disability lawyer, she lives with her parents and they pay for all of her living expenses and bills so she would basically get nothing from disability even if she could qualify.
Her parents take care of most things but not expensive and nonimmediate necessities, so they dont pay for doctors visits, therapy, psych visits, ect. They do pay for her neurology visits and medications. I can agree my delivery was very poor and I will take an a-hole judgement on that.
I'm not going to lie you come across as the a-hole in this situation, but when you stop to think about the facts not just the way they're worded then no NTA.
The fact that she’s got a chronic medical issue causing disability and no one wants her to have health care seems extremely concerning to me. I’m surprised this isn’t on your radar as an actual issue.
Also, if you live in the US, which it sounds like from the whole health-care expense thing, yeah, you need a disability lawyer. That’s super common. Getting denied - a few times - is pretty normal. That doesn’t mean you give up. You spend the years fighting it so you have that net eventually.
OP:
I was not entirely comfortable disclosing the medical issue, but Tourette's is generally mild in a lot of patients which is apparently why they're reluctant or having a hard time getting it done. Apparently disability lawyers don't want to deal with that.
INFO - What did you call her?
OP admits:
A 'faker', because she only has these issues when she is supposedly stressed out, which is usually when she's doing things she doesn't want to only, which is f*cked up and I'm ashamed about.
A 'scammer' for obvious reasons, and an 'abuser' for taking advantage of my wife's good will, a 'mooch'...
And things like a b*tch for not even having the common courtesy to even gift us stuff back even if it was some cheap stuff like socks when we buy her $150 gift cards and physical stuff like computer parts and games.
You call your disabled SIL a bunch of nasty names because you don't think she is disabled enough for your tastes and doesn't buy you gifts...
This is a person your wife was supporting before you even married, was supplementing while you have been married for a few years now, someone that your wife was certainly supporting when you decided to get pregnant. Now that your wife can't work because she just gave birth you have a massive issue with it and decided your wife has to do what you say... YTA
At this point I'm wondering if the wife's spending is even actually hurting their budget or if they do actually have the money for it and OP's just pissy cause his wife is spending her share on someone he doesn't seem 'worth it'.
NTA your wife's sister is abusing her disability, and I hate when people play the 'sick' card and don't take responsibility of their life. Your wife needs to understand that she can guide her sister but not being a mother because it won't help anyone.
OP's wife essentially came into the relationship with her own 'child' (dependent, sister's definitely not a child and I'm not trying to infantilize, but it's easier to make the comparison of a kid for people who don't understand disability) and OP is essentially acting like those sh*tty stepparents that oust the previous kids once they have their new family.
OP, you knew she was supporting her sister when you married her. Is your financial support of your own kids also going to magically end at 18, or is that only going to be the case if they're disabled?
'Leech'? Come on, OP. Do you think everyone who is disabled is a leech, or just people who aren't 'disabled enough'? And the fact that people in the comments agree that she's taking advantage is so disheartening. It's so easy to see between the lines here.
Looks like supporting SIL is definitely not something their budget can afford.
But maybe if she gave him some gifts, OP might actually care about her and her condition instead of viewing her merely as an obstacle?