'AITA for shouting at my ex in front of my daughters?' UPDATED

"AITA for shouting at my ex in front of my daughters?"

I (37M) have three girls; 8, 10, and 12. Their mother walked out on us for another man when our youngest was around 4. My ex still stays in contact, though, and pays child support.

A few weeks ago while doing laundry, I saw red spots on my oldest's underwear. I asked her if she knew about it, and she cried and told me she tried to call her mom, but my ex didn't call back. She'd been stuffing toilet paper in her underwear, hoping that would work.

I explained to her that periods are nothing to be ashamed of, and found some great resources online for us to review together. I took her to the store to pick out brands of feminine products she wanted to use (she picked Playtex Sport because she's a gymnast).

After we were done, I decided I should do the same thing with my other two. My 12yo volunteered to be part of preparing them, and we made a whole night of it; it was wonderful, and I learned a lot. I even learned what a menstrual cup is, and how they benefit the environment.

The other day, my ex called back. I'll usually arrange a video chat and leave the room so they can have some alone time, and when they're done chatting, I'll come back in to talk boring co-parenting stuff like school, bills, etc.

This last time, my ex was FURIOUS with me for talking about periods with the girls. She shouted at me that I was sick and perverted, why didn't I call her myself if I knew it was so urgent, I could've called one of their grandmas/aunts, but my mom has dementia, while her mom and sisters call me a loser because I teach kindergarten, so I'm not fond of them.

My ex told me I was being immature and should have just toughed it out for the girls. This really pissed me off, so I shouted back that maybe if she wasn't such a deadbeat and answered her goddamned phone once in a while, she could have handled this.

I brought up everything she does that hurts them; she hasn't been to a single soccer game, piano recital, or gymnastics meet in two years, every other weekend when they come home from her house, they go straight to their rooms, only to emerge hours later asking me why she loves her new husband more than them, and what did they do to make her leave.

My ex responded by saying I should tell them it's not their fault I couldn't satisfy her, and I screamed "f**% you", and she just smirked and pointed behind me, saying "Look what you did"

When I turned around, my 8yo and 10yo were standing in the doorway crying. It broke my heart; I never shout, so I know I scared them. My 12yo stormed in and started screaming at her mom, and while I appreciate her sticking up for me, this is not a battle I want her fighting.

My ex hung up before I could fully deescalate the situation, and let's just say the girls have been given free reign of the ice cream and limitless hours of video games, because I feel so bad. I even watched all the Twilight movies with them, so don't say I don't love them. But in this instance, AITA for shouting?

People had a lot to say. Here are some top comments:

From [deleted]:

NTA. Have you considered they were crying because of how you were treated rather than the fact you lost your temper? It's easy to assume the worst. Children are more observant than we give them credit for. That your daughter defended you right away pretty much makes it impossible to consider you an asshole.

Looking at it from a pure logic standpoint, isn't it better they learn not to expect anything from their mom early in life? Certainly, you shouldn't have lost your temper in front of children, but no one is perfect, especially when someone is calling you perverted for being a great single dad.

You also had no idea they were there listening so closely. Honestly you are way too hard on yourself to even think you needed to post here. Keep on being a great dad xD

From cultqueennn:

Nta. I'm disturbed that your exwife thinks it's not your place to talk about menstruation with your own kids. So I'm glad you broke that toxic thoughtproces with your own kids.

Good luck. Your exwife sounds like the devil that wanted to push your buttons to let your kids see you get heated sometimes. She's toxic and I'm glad your kids have a chance at life with a good parent.

From pharmgirl_92:

The fact that she grinned when the kids were crying and claimed it was his fault, when she chose to walk out and can't even show up to events.... God that woman is awful and my heart breaks for those kids.

From chubalubs:

NTA. Ok, you should maybe have stopped the conversation when you found it getting out of hand, but she knew exactly what she was doing-she saw the kids behind you and didn't warn you, deliberately, so she is equally responsible for exposing them to the shouting. She sounds like a terrible mother and you sound like a great dad.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a dad talking to daughters about their body, as long as they are comfortable with the conversation. My dear old dad had 3 daughters only a year apart, and we all ended up syncing our periods-he knew exactly what each of us preferred and every month would leave a big bag of sanitary products and chocolate bars in our rooms.

Well, a LOT happened since this original post. A month later, the dad posted this UPDATE:

It’s been almost a month since my original post, and a lot has happened since then. Many of you asked for an update, so here goes:

Last weekend, the girls were at their mom’s. After she dropped them off Sunday night, my 12yo asked to talk to me in private. We went into her room, and she showed me two recordings she’d taken on her phone; one of my ex trying to convince them I was being a bad father, and one of her and her husband arguing about how much she was paying in child support.

I’ll be honest here - my cousin is a family court lawyer and basically raked her over the coals. It wasn’t pretty, but I was still extremely hurt over the affair. I even got alimony.

Anyway, my 12yo told me she didn’t want to go to her mom’s anymore, but she said she felt she had to because she’s the oldest sibling and it’s her job to protect the younger ones. I’ve always instilled this value in her (I’m an oldest child myself) but seeing this just made me even more upset, because now it’s just another battle she’s fighting that she shouldn’t be.

She’s also just started to figure out that her mom cheated, and over the past couple weeks she started firing tons of questions at me about the timeline of their relationship I couldn’t really answer, and after showing me the recordings, she literally demanded I answer her, yes or no, did her mom cheat on me.

It wasn’t easy, but I told her the truth, with the promise she wouldn’t tell her sisters (as much it sucks, that’s my job, not hers).

The way she cried on my shoulder was the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever experienced, but she was catching on and I figured if she’s going to find out regardless, it should be in a setting where she’s comfortable. After she was done crying, I told her to email me the recordings she took, and called my cousin.

We’ve just started the paperwork, but my cousin is certain we can get my ex nailed for parental alienation, and since she got a promotion a few months ago, I should be able to renegotiate the child support payments as well. Most importantly, the recordings should be enough to give me grounds for supervised visits only, which is what I want.

I still want the girls to have a relationship with their mom (especially since the younger two still want to see her), I’m just going to have to make sure I’m present at all times when they’re with her. Coparenting is oodles of fun, kids!

Anyway, I also want to give a huge thank you to all the supportive comments and messages. I only saw most of the DMs recently. I’m not the best with technology, seeing as my most valuable job skill is herding 5yos, but I wouldn’t trade it for any other career. Thanks for all your support, Reddit!