Dad asks if he's wrong to enforce 'my house, my rules' on 20 yo daughter.
I'm 50m, and I have a daughter 20f is in college. She stays at her boyfriend's 21m a lot, which my wife and I do not like very much. We let her do what she wants nonetheless. She pays for her own tuition, and works, plus pays for all of her own things, except for rent–we have a room for her and she does live with us.
She asked if her boyfriend could come sleepover too, so that she could feel more comfortable staying at home more often. We said absolutely not. She was upset because she said it was her own room and that she has been dating him almost 3 years.
We just will not allow it under our roof, so she threatened to move in with him. We really want her to continue living here, but do not want them sleeping together under our roof (we do not like it with her at his place either but she is an adult). We have a pretty good relationship so this has been hard for us.
So AITA?
Questions, answers and comments:
Inner-Manner-6768 says:
NTA - your house, your rules
throaccountaway143 responded:
I just didn’t know if my rule was unfair, thank you
Natz2103 says:
YTA. While yes your house your rules, rules should also be reasonable. Yours are not. We live in 2022 not 1822. Face reality. They already do the horizontal tango and probably have for some years. In my opinion the only reason why that should make really you uncomfortable is if your walls were paper thin.
throaccountaway143 OP responded:
We have assumed they have sex, we just don’t want it under our roof. We feel bad she may leave over it.
looj87 asks:
YTA why are you so interested in your adult daughter's sex life?
throaccountaway143 OP responded:
We are not interested, we just do not agree with the choice and would rather she not do it under our roof
looj87 followed up:
You don't agree with two adults in a committed relationship for 3 years having sex?
throaccountaway143 OP says:
Not in our house. We we do not agree with it at all but she makes her own decisions.
frenchEthanhope says:
YTA, She's an adult. You are controlling her even if you don't want to admit. You are generous and letting her sleep at your place is nice, but it seems it's with string attached. She will resent it.
And specially the part you don't like that she goes to sleep at her boyfriend. Again she's an adult. Treat her like an adult and she'll appreciate it. She respect because she has no choice the no boyfriend in your place but you have absolutely no say in her going to her boyfriend.
throaccountaway143 OP responded:
We have been lenient in what she does at the house, this is the only thing we have disagreed on. Is there a good compromise?
Ordinary-Manner3059 says:
YTA. You cant preach how much you want her to live with y'all, then lay down a rule that you know makes her not want to live there.
throaccountaway143 OP responded:
We didn’t know how strongly she felt about it but we don’t feel like we can really budge on this.
cannotdeciide says:
NTA. I think it’s a bit strict but you have every right to be strict in your own home. Maybe her moving out could be good for your relationship? It may cause less tension between you two
throaccountaway143 OP responded:
She’s going off to grad school soon so we wanted to be closer for as long as we could. We do not agree with her decision staying with him so much but it could be good to have different living environments.