'AITA for rejecting my estranged son's offer to reunite?'
"AITA for rejecting my estranged son's offer to reunite?"
In 2020, my (39M) ex (28F) cheated on me with my son (23M). As you imagine, I ended things with her immediately but I was going to work on my relationship with him.
That didn't last long however as she announced she was pregnant and it was his kid. I told him if he was going to be a dad to this kid with her and by extension have her in his life, we couldn't have a relationship.
He basically decided he couldn't abandon his child and had to have a co-parenting relationship with her. So me and him are through — the last time we had any contact whatsoever was when we had to talk about the DNA test after the kid was born (yes, one was done and it's definitely his).
Not only are they on each others lives, but are in a full blown relationship now. I know this because my parents still have a relationship with him. I raised him as a single parent as my wife died in 2005, so it's always just been me, him, and my folks for a long time until she came along.
And before anyone gets on my case, yes I realize I was probably making a mistake dating a much younger woman. No, I'd never do it again (for that matter, get in any relationship with anyone ever again). This has all been pointed out to me before. On this website, nonetheless.
It's my 40th next month and I had made no plans. I was going to just work through it. However, I got a letter from him with pictures - of his now nearly 2 year old daughter and a baby scan photo of a 2nd child they're having.
In his letter, he basically said he could never begin to apologize enough but he wants to reunite and do something for my birthday next month. He said we should go on holiday together - me, him and his daughter to our favorite holiday spot. I basically wrote back to him that he's dead to me, I mean what I said all those years ago and sent the photos back.
I get a call from my folks that he called them distraught. Basically, he got my letter and his photos back. They said I should at least acknowledge him and rethink his offer. I told them no, I'd rather be alone. AITA for rejecting him?
Here's how the people reacted. No one shouted 'Jerry.'
you DID acknowledge his offer. he needs to accept your response. and then get a fucking reality check because what he did was one hell of An F*#k Up
What he did was messed up but OPs demand of ‘abandon your child or I’ll abandon you’ is pretty messed up too. Honestly everyone sucks here and OP needs to quit acting innocent. It’s totally fair to not want to see his son again but he didn’t stop talking to the son bc of the affair, he stopped talking to the son bc he wouldn’t become deadbeat.
This all comes down to choices and consequences. Your son and your ex chose to have an affair. Your son and ex then chose to be in a relationship. You informed your son that if he decided to be in a relationship with your ex and be a family with her, you wanted no part of it. Your son chose to be a dad, and good for him for stepping up and being a father.
However, he knew what he was doing when he had the affair. He knew that being a family with your ex would be the final nail. He made his choices. Now he has to deal with the consequences.
I think people are ignoring that there's no way to have him in your life without having your ex there. She's the mother of his kids. I guarantee if you did resume your relationship with your son and you then asked him to exclude her from any events where you were going to be, you'd be called an AH, especially if the kids were going.
Everyone would say she's their mum, that you chose to resume the relationship with your son and forgive him, so you should forgive her and stop excluding her. It really is all or nothing.
Your son can be distraught. He may have thought that the sight of grandkids would change your mind, but he's forgetting that those grandkids exist because he betrayed you. Not the kids' fault, but your son needs to remember that.
He might want to play happy families, but he shot that horse in the face when he made the decision to have an affair. There were plenty of women out there he could have chosen, and I'm sure you'd have been thrilled to be a grandparent to any kids he had then.
But he's in a relationship with someone he betrayed you with, someone who also betrayed you, and he has to accept that the damage is done.
I do have one question that will really determine my judgment, and I think it needs to be clear for everyone: when you told your son that you wouldn't be around if he decided to have a kid with your ex, were you asking him to completely abandon the child, or were you saying that if he stuck around and raised the child whilst in a relationship with the ex, you wouldn't be a part of it?
If the ex and son had gone their separate ways but co-parented, would you have walked away, or would you have tried to mend the relationship?
NTA. Imagine you didn’t catch the cheater and your son, and she tried to play it off as your kid. Then you would be “daddy grandpa” and this would have been a Jerry Springer episode (rip Jerry…)
NTA. I know this is not related to the post and that you’re still young but please update your will if you’re intent on remaining single.