'AITA for telling my kid's teacher not to celebrate his adoption because she's not important?'
"AITA for telling my kid's teacher not to celebrate his adoption because she's not important?"
Inevitable_Slip_
I've been fostering my 7 year old Xander since he was 3 and now I'm officially adopting him next week when we go to family court next Friday. He'll have to miss half the day so I told his teacher on Wednesday. His teacher Mrs. M got a bit emotional and said what a nice guy I was to adopt a child. It rubbed me the wrong way.
I am adopting him because I love him and not for clout or praise. I was telling her because he just started 2nd grade three weeks ago and I wanted her to know that he has to miss class.
My son is mostly nonchalant about it. He knows he belongs to me and our court date isn't going to change our daily life. Yesterday Mrs. M came to me and said she'd love to have a little class celebration for Xander before we go to court. I said no.
She wasn't expecting that. Then she said she'd like to come to the adoption proceedings to show her support for Xander and let him know that he is loved and supported by her and bring him a gift.
I told her thanks but no thanks and that she was making this adoption proceeding about her, her and her. I give the benefit of the doubt that she means well but to be blunt, she's not important to our family.
Therefore this whole thing is none of her business. I don't know anything about her and she knows very little about us. Plus my son is NOT the kind of kid who would get excited at seeing his teacher outside of school hahaha. I could tell she was hurt.
I get it. My son is the cutest kid in her class and all of his teachers liked him. It would make Mrs M feel good to do these things when I'm trying to keep things as normal as possible.
Here were the top comments and reactions to the post.
please_trade_marner
As a teacher she's probably seen dozens and dozens of foster children that are never loved or cared for. It probably breaks her heart.
So she's very excited to see Xander in such a loving household where he's being adopted into the family. She's excited and wants to be a part of it. But I get that you guys don't want it to be a big event. This is a rare 'nobody at all is the AH here'.
Alarming_Reply
Info — have you asked your son if he would like to do anything to celebrate? Seems to me like that’s the most important piece of this puzzle.
It’s not offensive that your son’s teacher wanted to share in celebrating your son’s life event. (Kids routinely celebrate bdays with their class & teacher) A polite “no thank you” is fine. Your son can never have too many people in his life who care about & support him. Edit judgment—NAH
peonyhen
Apparently, AITA is coming for the teachers today. Telling her not to acknowledge it is fine: It's a well-intentioned gesture on her part, but not what you want.
Telling her she's not important is seriously misguided: he's 7. You do your son a massive disservice by insulting his teacher. He spends all day with her 5 days a week. Teachers are massively important in kids' lives. She's still getting to know him, and you, because it's the beginning of the year. Give her a break. YTA.
KittiesLove1
YTA. You assign her such nefarious intentions.. NTA for saying no, but your defenitely the AH for how you spoke to her and how you speak about her here. She wasn't making it about her, she just thought it was a happy occasion and wanted to celebrate it for him.
Instead of being happy your teacher care above and beyond for their students, you treat her so horribly. Also I think you make a lot of decision for your son and make a lot of assumptions about him. You should have told her you would ask him and give her his answer.
You say he's nonchalant - but for a kid to go to court can feel very exciting and special, even if he doesn't show it. Also people can be nonchalant about important milestones, and still want to celebrate it, because it's fun.
'and our court date isn't going to change our daily life.' - and birthday is going to change his life? Still teachers celebrate their student's birthdays. All celebrations teacher do for kids are about tiny things that happen to tiny kids. That's what they do. It's not about the thing, it's about the kid.
Maybe the teacher thought you don't want to celebrate with the kids, because you don't necessarily need to publish it to everyone, so she suggested a smaller celebration just with a gift from the teacher, since she's already in the loop. And then you came out at her. So for me YTA
CatGredy959
YTA just because you sound like a rude, presumptuous person. You literally made yourself sound like an AH. You're not an AH for having boundaries but man some social grace would be nice.
DinaFelice
'It's very thoughtful that you want to acknowledge my child's life event, but it's actually a bad message. You don't realize this because you just met him a few weeks ago, but we've been father and son for quite a while now.
Going to court to legally formalize it is a hassle, not a special moment: highlighting it with extra attention will only serve to emphasize that strangers think we weren't really a family before. The last thing I would want is for you to spoil your relationship with him by making this a bigger deal than he wants it to be.'
NTA, but I would encourage you to come up with better talking points. Her impulses seemed like someone who wanted to celebrate your son, which is why she kept trying.
If so, she might still try to do something like organize a class 'adoption card' or otherwise encouraging the class to do something to acknowledge your son's adoption (if she can convince herself that she made it 'not about her')
I would also keep an eye on the situation... It's early enough in the school year that you could have your son switch to another teacher if this one can't keep to appropriate boundaries.
How-I-Really-Feel
YTA for your shitty attitude and not just saying he had an appointment.
vm-varga2018
'he belongs to me.' And that's your problem right there. YTA.
Hefty-Arm-4594
ESH. Did you actually say that she was making it about herself? That was probably uncalled for and unnecessary. I get you want to keep it low key, and you didn't like her making a fuss. But her intentions were not bad.
I think you should have asked your child if they wanted a party before unilaterally turning it down. People don't always handle adoption in the most tactful way but you have to look at someone's intention or you are going to be spending years getting angry at people.
Maybe they want to celebrate with their friends. I'm a former adoption worker with children from foster care and it's extremely common for people to celebrate afterwards and to mark the occasion every year with a celebration.
As a teacher she's probably been to adoptions like this before. It wasn't uncommon for teachers, friends, and a bunch of other people in the child's life showing up for the hearing. Her asking was not inappropriate from my experience.
Teachers are encouraged to do stuff like that. She sounds like a good teacher. If you didn't want anyone but family you needed to come up with a more tactful reply. Saying you are just trying to keep it to immediate family but you appreciate her offering to be there.
Seventeen_shadows
YTA. Classic case of not what you said, but how you said it. You just sound like an insufferable AH in this. Teacher might be insufferable too but you’re just effin rude about it.