'AITA for spending my inheritance on our adopted children instead of my wife?' UPDATED

"AITA for spending my inheritance on our adopted children instead of my wife?"

Me (44M) and my wife Ami (43) have a biological son Ethan (16) and a adopted son Aiden and daughter Gracie (16, 12) We adopted Aiden and Gracie 10 years ago. We have been talking about colleges for a while with the boys and they both want to stay together wherever they go.

We have college funds for all three children with the same amount in so they will be able to afford to go if they decide to. My mother died and left me a lot of money and I used it to fund their accounts as I thought this was more important than paying off our mortgage that we are comfortably paying each month.

The more the boys talk about college the more Ami gets upset with how much money it’s going to cost. This all ended up in a huge argument between us with her calling me a AH. She apparently is happy to fund Ethan’s college but only part for Aiden and Gracie.

I told her this isn’t fair as they are all our kids not just Ethan. He doesn’t mean more just because he has our DNA. I told her it was my inheritance and I can do what I want with it and I wanted to make sure the kids had a good start to life.

She said that she deserves stuff too and me spending all the money on the kids means she doesn’t get what she wants.

She left a few days ago and I haven’t heard anything from her. I thought kids didn’t hear the fight but today Aiden came down and said sorry for causing a fight between us and that he is grateful that I stood up for him and Gracie.

My heart went out for him and I said that I will always stand up for him and that I loved him and Gracie. He said I know but I’m not sure about mom. So am I the AH? Should I compromise a bit to keep Ami happy?

INFO:

The adoption was my wife's idea, as it was her cousin and his wife that were losing custody of the kids. Sadly they are no longer with us and haven’t contributed to their upbringing at all

I work full time and pay all the mortgage and bills. She works part time just for something to do. She keeps her money. This was agreed and is not an issue. I have explained in another comment this situation.

The house is in my name as I inherited it from my Grandfather. I took out a mortgage to remodel when we adopted the kids.

All three kids are in therapy. Ethan doesn’t necessarily need it but he felt he was missing out on something so he goes too. They have group and separate therapy which was recommended to us.

Ami left a few days ago. She is safe with her sister but has not contacted us in any way. I hoped she would at least contact the kids but no.

I don’t think I can be with her anymore as I can’t see how she can repair the relationship with the kids. I think her coming back now will be detrimental to their well-being and it’s something I can’t risk.

In no way will I abandon Ami though. I love her with all my heart and if there is something going on that I don’t know about then she needs help and her family abandoning her is going to cause more harm than good. I am willing to support her but not be a couple at the moment.

If it’s just that she is greedy and selfish then she can forget about having any kind of relationship with me. I guess I will find out in the next few months.

Also I don’t think of Ethan as my biological son and Aiden and Gracie as my adopted children. They are all my kids. Biological and adopted aren’t words I use day to day when describing my children.

Comments:

Beneficial_Ship_7988 says:

I wasn't able to have children, and then a divorce. I see children as blessings. I can't imagine adopting two blessings and then denying them anything that I'm able to give to make sure they have a secure, wonderful life. It's not in me. NTA.

RionaMurchada says:

Your wife's comments are a little bizarre OP. I suggest you sit down with Aiden and Gracie and ask them if your wife has treated them any differently than she has treated Ethan over the years, especially when you are not around.

ExcitingRip7040 says:

THE CHILDREN KNOW. Remain their hero, allow her opportunities to return to grace, but know that you standing tall as a protective shield will keep their hearts warm and internal compasses true in any tough future situations.

Update from OP:

Ami asked me to meet her without the kids so I did. She said she was sorry about trying to get the money spent on her. I explained that we could do all the stuff she wanted to do within reason just not out of their funds. She admitted she was wrong and that I’m not a AH.

However she doesn’t want any help from me (she is aware that she has issues but wouldn’t tell me what) I said that I would do anything she needs but she wasn’t interested.

She did say that she hates that Ethan is so close to Aiden and it was ruining her child. Obviously I will never tell either of the boys that and it did prove to me that Aiden and Gracie may be her problem.

She is moving to Canada to live with her mom. I don’t care what she gets up to there. She didn’t want to have any more contact with the children. Didn’t even want to say goodbye so I let her go.

Final word from the comments:

Daddinator1701 writes:

NTA. You're exactly what a parent should be. What your wife has done here is unforgivable.