Woman asks if she's wrong to 'deny access' to grandson if mom doesn't help out more.
This one is a doozy. New mom's need help, right? But what if family doesn't want to help? Can you put conditions on that? Here's this mom's story. We'll let you be the judge...
'AITA for denying my mom access to her grandson because she refuses to help me?'
My husband and I (32f) are first time parents to an 8-month-old son, Jack. I’ve struggled since he was born. I had a difficult pregnancy. My son had colic, and my maternity leave was short. I was diagnosed with PPD and am getting treatment.
My husband and I both have demanding jobs. I’d love to quit, but we can’t afford it right now. I don’t have many friends in the state where we live, and I’m lonely. My MIL is in poor health, and my husband is gone 2x per week helping her.
I haven’t had a day or evening off since Jack was born. Plus, our home was flooded by a broken pipe 5 months ago. Handling the cleanup has been a nightmare.
My mom (67f) lives 1 hour away and has never once offered to help with anything. We’ve always had a pretty good relationship. She was a stay-at-home mom and was very loving and devoted to my brother, sister, and me. She’s an empty nester and spends her days doing yoga and seeing friends.
My mom wants see the baby if it’s very low effort. I asked her a few times if she could babysit or run an errand, but she always says no. Once I called her at the height of my PPD sobbing, saying I was scared to be alone and could she come over. But she had brunch plans. I stopped asking for anything until today…
My best friend of 25+ years is getting married next weekend in State B, which is 2 hours away by plane. I’m the maid of honor and my husband is officiating. Children are not invited because the venue is unsafe.
About 7 months ago we started looking for someone to watch Jack. We called everyone we could think of. After a month of searching, we finally found a babysitter in State B through a friend of a friend.
Well, the babysitter called on Friday and cancelled. I’ve spent the past 3 days calling childcare agencies with zero luck. I finally explained my desperation to my mom and asked if she could watch Jack for 24 hours.
Or I offered to fly my mom to State B with us, get her a hotel room, and she’d then only need to watch him for 5 hours. I was in tears begging her, but my mom said no. She has a yoga class she doesn’t want to cancel.
It was the straw that broke the camel’s back after months of no empathy as I flounder with PPD. I told my mom that since she is never willing to help ever, I will be cutting off all contact and she won’t get to see her grandson. I know my mom is under no obligation to help us, but then she should not expect to see my son.
AITA for denying my mom a relationship with her grandson because she never offers to help?
And the comments:
YTA no grandparent is obliged to watch their grandchild ever. But if you cut her off from seeing them, you are doing a huge disservice to your child. Super petty.
ESH - emotional blackmail and fair weather family relationship. your mother has a life of her own. You need support and have a life of your own. To deny access unless you mother falls into line is pretty lame.
This is a mountain vs molehill issue, where the molehill is babysitting this one weekend and the mountain is their entire relationship. This isn’t about letting grandma see grandchild—this is about OP letting go of the fairy tale of her relationship with her mother.
Expecting any kind of relationship with her mother is just asking for disappointment and pain.
I couldn't imagine ignoring my kid when they needed me. My father dropped everything and crossed 3 states to come replace a cracked toilet and my mom has driven (minimum) 2 hours to take me to the doctor when I couldn't get out of bed from back pain.
That is the moment this was solidified as NTA for me. I cannot imagine my child- or my sister, friend, almost anyone- calling me with PPD crying asking for help and I wouldn’t drop everything to get to them
You're going to have a whole lot of teenagers and libertarians telling you you're TA because your mother isn't legally obliged to help you therefore you're the bad guy. Please ignore them.
In the real world, relationships are reciprocal and depend on a lot of elements and require cultivation. If we neglect relationships, or if we only take and never give, they wither and die. And the give/take isn't always symmetrical in the moment: it's over long periods, even lifetimes, and often means paying it forward.
We are cared for as children, we care for our children, our parents help with our children, we help our parents.
Your mother has chosen to opt out of all that by declining to help you when you need it. She doesn't have to be in that cycle of help and love and support if she'd rather go to her yoga class. But she doesn't get to cherry pick the easy bits of a loving family relationship and ignore the bits that take work.
You are both entitled to set down the terms of your relationship. She has. Now you are. I'm sorry this is painful and I hope you get effective help with the PPD. NTA