Woman's future DIL demands her emerald ring, 'I don't want to wait until you die.' AITA?
"AITA for not passing on an “heirloom” to my daughter in law?"
Existing_Ring_
I am 48F and my eldest is 22M. He’s been with his fiancée (DIL) since they were 20 and he wants to marry her. I’d always liked her before now. She’s a smart girl, she fits in well with the family, she’s driven, and she makes my son happy. Everything was all roses until they got engaged.
Now, since I was little, I was fascinated with jewelry. When I was older and married and had my own income, I started to collect rings. I would “design” them myself. I used to ask friends and family to give me cash I could put towards them, and save up my disposable income towards whatever ring I wanted.
Edit: Okay apparently this above paragraph is controversial. It is the custom of my family since always to give cash in celebrations. It’s also very normal in my community to ask your friends to give cash - I have done this myself for my friends.
HOWEVER THE MAJORITY OF THE COST OF EACH PIECE OF JEWELRY WAS ALWAYS BORNE BY ME. Whatever I got from birthdays was a bonus top up - not something I relied on to be able to afford it.
It would be less than 10% of each piece definitely not the bulk. 10% being the highest but mostly it was around the 3-4% mark if any. I wasn’t buying one every year but over time I have a nice collection of rings. My favourite are a sapphire with a halo of diamonds, an emerald in a trilogy with 1ct diamonds either side, and a Ruby set in a pavé band.
After my son got engaged and we invited him and my DIL to dinner at home. My DIL asked to speak to me. She said she’s been seeing my emerald ring over the years and she has always wanted one.
She pointed out that I wear it least often, which is true, and demanded that I gift it to her as an heirloom engagement ring. This is in addition to other wedding gifts and expenses we had discussed as a family during dinner. This includes gold to the value of approximately £6000 which is honestly more than my entire wedding cost, and which I still think is a significant amount.
This rubbed me the wrong way and I admit I accused her of trying to pick through my estate before I’m even dead. I told her the ring is mine and I can even sell it on my deathbed if I want to; she has no right to expect it and she’s being a rude brat by demanding it.
She yelled at me that something like this can’t just be sold, it should be an heirloom and it’s normal for heirlooms to be passed on while the wearer is still alive. I told her to leave if she was just in my home to demand my property and she stormed out, taking my son with her.
She’s mad at me and my son says I should’ve just passed the ring to her since I have others and it would be a nice gesture to welcome her to the family! He says it’s no different than his sister occasionally borrowing some of my pieces.
My husband and my daughter are on my side but this is the first time my son has shut me out like this so AITA?
(Edit: My DIL has an engagement ring already. It’s beautiful and I would call it expensive. This is not a case of her being proposed to without a ring.)
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Ducky818
NTA. Your DIL is quite the entitled gold (or emerald) digger. If she wanted it for an engagement ring, the proper thing would have been for your son to discuss it with you. Her asking for it is shocking and rude.
It's not an heirloom if you are the first owner in the family. Heirlooms tend to have generations behind them. And they are not necessarily given away during the owner's lifetime. Many family mementos are distributed as part of an estate after the owner is deceased. Don't loan anything to her or you will never see it again.
The OP responded here:
Existing_Ring_
"Many family mementos are distributed as part of an estate after the owner is deceased."
Yes that’s certainly why I replied the way I did - it felt like she’s looking forward to my estate when I’m still here!!
FeuerroteZora
I probably read entirely too much AITA, but when/if she ever comes to your house again, make sure your rings are somewhere she cannot access. If she's as entitled as she seems, she may not balk at simply taking something she thinks she deserves.
I mean, hopefully I'm just paranoid because the forum we're in tends to highlight really bad actors, but she's behaved terribly so far and it can't hurt to be on the safe side. And if you do want someone specific to have any of your jewelry after you are gone, you should be very specific about that so she can't simply claim it all as hers.
The OP then asked:
Existing_Ring_
Do you really think it could come to that?
Neither-Entrance-208
Yes. Either she or your son could steal your property. He justified her asking you for it which really concerns me. Why are they picking through your things already when you are still very much here? Keep everything safe. Get some cameras. And hope these sentiments pass quickly. Maybe suggest your child get a prenup to keep both of them safe.
Alternative-Gur-6208
Edit NTA Did your son tell her to ask for it? If he proposed usually it's with a ring, if he didn't have one he probably promised her one of yours and it blew up in his face, I'd talk to him.
The OP responded here:
Existing_Ring_
She has a ring, it’s a 1ct round cut diamond in a half pavé platinum band. Highest clarity and colour. The 4C’s were adhered to. She was wearing it and husband and I even admired it during the dinner. For context her ring is certainly not cheap!! Son took my advice on choosing the best stone for the ring when he bought it - told me that was the design she wanted.
Fancy-Meaning-8078
A. That particular ring is not an heirloom yet. It's an active part of your wardrobe.
B. It's an expensive piece of jewelry. If you chose to gift jewelry to her it would be on your terms. As to say which piece would be gifted, for what occasion as in birthday, 10th anniversary, birth of first daughter so it can be passed along to become an heirloom.
C. It was massively insensitive. Kinda insulting. Like trying someone else wedding dress before that person got married offensive.
D. Asking to start a tradition is not wrong, can even be a nice bonding experience, demanding that someone gift a pricey personal jewelry piece to do so just seems greedy.
E. I'm 47 if my daughter starts talking about how I'm old a just give up my things now because I'm almost dead and should start acting like an old woman from stereotypes 1900, I would embarrass her in front of her friends so hard by 'not acting my age' she wouldn't know where to bury herself 😆😝. And she knows it. It's not enough she considers my closet as "ours" ?
Every woman even a young dumb 20 year old woman knows better than to try to invade another woman's jewelry box or shoes closet and to insinuate you are past your prime so you don't need those anymore ?! She's not so smart that cookie. NTA my dear.