'I learned a family secret a few months ago and its been on my mind due to the holiday.' UPDATED
"I learned a family secret a few months ago and its been on my mind due to the holiday."
I lost my mother when I was very young and my father remarried to the woman I grew up calling Mom. Mom has an older son and a daughter who is about twelve years older than me. It was never a secret that Mom wasn't my biological mother. I see my step-brother on the Holidays but I have had zero contact with my stepsister. I learned why that was.
My Mom and stepsister moved in after she and my dad got married. I don't remember her being very nice and then she was just gone. I was told she had to go away for awhile. Mom brought me everywhere with her. The store, to her friends places, to the zoo etc.
She helped me get ready for school and helped me with school work. She watched a handful of kids movies in the theater that looking back were likely indecipherable nonsense to her (all three of those Pokemon movies for example). She cried at my high school graduation even when she promised me she wasn't going to cry.
She was my mom she loved me to bits. All the while she never erased my mother. Her and my dad would look at photos of my mother and Dad would tell stories and Mom always said she wished she met her. My father and maternal grandfather had it for me after she died so I had something to remember her by. I have that photo album in my apartment. Been looking at it alot lately.
Here is the kicker: its not the original photo album. I never saw the original photo album. What made my Mom disown my stepsister is that she burned the original after my Mom scolded her for being rude to my father and I. Mom discovered what had happened because her and her friends had done it together and one of her friends felt so guilty she confessed to her own mom who called my Mom.
Mom kicked stepsister out of the house and had movers take her things to her dad's house. Dad came home to my mom who explained in tears what was up. She and my dad then went around to family, friends close and distant, and even my mother's alma mater to look for photos of my mom to try to make a new album.
Dad told me everyone in the lives had risen to occasion and they were able to build a new album even if some of the original photos and polaroids were gone forever they had new photos from mom's college friends. I asked dad if my stepsister ever apologized or tried to reach out and he confirmed she tried but Mom fundamentally wants nothing to do with her.
I thought a lot about forgiveness and family these last few months. I never knew about the original album so I didn't have much of a reason to hate her. I do think the album was likely a last straw for Mom and wasn't the primary problem even though destroying the album was cruel and kind of evil.
I don't plan on talking to my Mom about it. I think it would be better to respect her desire to continue not having a relationship of any kind with my stepsister. My only plan is to make sure to give both of my folks big hugs.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Wow - amazing story. Your parents are wonderful!
I am not sure the Stepsister would agree. But we don't really know her story.
My view on this depends solely on how old your stepsister was when this happened. 20 and I can understand mom’s reaction. 16 and I would consider your mom one of those s^&$ parents who neglects their own kids and give all their love to their new partners kid.
Stepsis was eighteen maybe nineteen
3 days later OP came back with this update:
I made a post a few days ago about learning about how the photo album made of photos of my deceased mother was actually a replacement album after my stepsister (her bio daughter) destroyed the original by setting it on fire with her friends. This lead to my mom (I call my stepmom mom) going no contact with my stepsister.
I was just getting something off my chest was surprised by the responses I got. I texted my mom that I knew about what happened and asked if I could call her to talk about it. We talked and did clarify some things my dad likely forgot.
Even before she had starting seeing my dad, my mom and stepsister were having problems. Her ex-husband was a fair weather parent and wasn't very supportive. My stepsister during her last two years of high school became part of a clique of girls who were always in trouble. Mom had to field several accusations of bullying and otherwise poor behavior.
She tried to get her into counseling or therapy but she refused point blank and at a certain point you can't force someone if they don't want to go into therapy. She tried grounding her and taking away privileges.
She had also been lying about applying to colleges so the final few months before graduation were a mad dash to apply for schools before throwing the towel and having her apply to community college. When she married my dad and moved the both of them into my Dad's house, the only expectations my mother gave her were be nice and be tidy. She was never expected to babysit me.
Well she couldn't follow those guidelines and clashed almost everyday with my mom and dad and would raise her voice at me (I had been six years old) for watching tv or playing in the backyard. My stepsister only lived that house for over a month before my mom sent her away.
The breaking point was reached even before the photo album. My mom told her ex-husband he had to take her for awhile. Stepsis was pissed because her father lived an hour away and she wouldn't be able to see her friends but mom put her foot down that she couldn't stay there with the way she had been treating everyone.
My stepsister must have found the album and called her friends to meet up with her where they burned it in a bonfire. When mom asked why on earth she did it my stepsis thought it would be funny to take something from my father and I that we would miss. Mom ended up kicking her out right there and calling movers that day.
She was furious and upset and felt the two of them having some distance apart would be for the best. Mom was also panicking because she thought her marriage had just gone up in flames. However my father never blamed my mom for what had happened.
Mom told me she just didn't have the desire to reconnect with my stepsister when she reached out a few years ago. She can't let go of my stepsister's deliberate cruelty to not just her and my father but to me. My stepsister was an adult when she did what she did. In her absence.
She had a wonderful husband and two sons (my older stepbrother and I) who were kind to her. My relatives all loved her. She admitted that her mental health had improved considerably without my stepsister around. She had wanted to prioritize the people in her life who weren't toxic.
She assured me she hadn't left her with nothing. She had full access to a college fund that my mother set up for her when she was born and she will still get an inheritance.
Mom finished the call by telling me she still felt horrible about what happened to the photo album and wished those memories of my mother weren't gone forever. I told her it was okay and that I appreciated the lengths she and my dad went to replace it before telling her I loved her. To address a few commenters, I did not and still do not have any desire to talk to my stepsister. I just wanted the whole story.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
I'm glad you and mom are good. ((HUGS))
You mom/stepmom is one of a kind.
The prospect of your kid turning out to be a complete a&*^ole is terrifying.
One of the scariest parts of parenting. I've had this discussion with all my kids - i want to raise good people, first and foremost, so when they're being hurtful to others, that's when I'm going to intervene the most.
You and your family are beautiful, stepsister not included. I’m so happy that your mom loved/loves you enough to prioritize you. I’m so incredibly sorry you don’t have the original album, but the replacement, knowing your mom and dad went through so much to make it to keep you connected with your biological mother,that is love. ❤️