'AITA for doing a mother-son dance with my stepmom at my wedding?'
"AITA for doing a mother-son dance with my stepmom at my wedding?"
I'm (29M) currently planning a wedding and were getting into the nitty gritty details. For background my parents got divorced when I was 5. The divorce happened after my dad fell in love with his current wife/my stepmom Alice. They claim they didn't cheat, but waited to be separated before anything physical happened.
I don't know or need to know whether that's true at this point. My dad and Alice got married and were living together by the time I was 7. They had my two siblings within the next 4 years. My parents had split custody, and Alice was 100% a mother figure to me.
We are very close, she's been there for me for every tough moment of my life. She also helped pay for my college and grad school which Im extremely appreciative of. My mom is a good mom but we've never been as close as I am with my dad and Alice. Our personalities are just very different.
We're planning the first dances right now and have my first dance with my fiancee and she has hers picked out with her dad. Her parents are still married so there's no drama there. Being so close to Alice, I really don't feel right excluding her and only doing a dance with my mom, so I asked her if she'd be comfortable doing one with me as well.
She was overjoyed and cried with emotion. Im really excited for it. But once my mom found out she flipped out. Said Im replacing her like my dad replaced her. I told her its not a replacement but she's been so supportive of me my entire life and I consider her a true 'bonus mother' so I don't want to exclude her.
She doesn't want to accept that. Yesterday my aunt (mom's sister) called me and ripped me a new one. I know its a little controversial, but in my heart it's what I really want to do. AITA for going through with this and having two mother son dances?
Personally, I've been to a few weddings with steps involved where there were two mother son or father daughter and it seemed really sweet, not like overkill. I would do shortened versions of the songs so it wont be too long if that matters.
This is what people had to say:
maryblue27 asks:
Info what kind of relationship does your mom, dad and Alice have?
No-Pressure3284 OP responded:
My parents are usually tense but civil the few times they're around each other. Alice and my mom have rarely been in the same room. My mom used to talk bad about Alice a lot around me but after standing up for her a few times she's stopped. Alice never really speaks about my mom around me.
Would you still have the same relationship if she didn't pay for things?
No-Pressure3284 OP responded:
Absolutely, she's been in my life since I was 5. Its an example of how she's been a parental figure for me and hasn't just done the bare minimum like a lot of my friends stepparents. She's a nurse who spent years picking up extra overtime shifts while my dad was having health problems so that my siblings and I could have an easier life.
I appreciate the work she did for us, that doesnt mean she "bought my love" like people are suggesting. She's been there for me emotionally when my dad had cancer, she was there for me when I was struggling with grad school, she was there when I was bullied in middle school.
Ever since she's been in the picture she's been nothing but supportive to me. I love both my mother's equally. I know people here hate "cheaters", I dont even know if what happened would be considered cheating. What I do know is that they've been together over 20 years, and that whole time she's been an incredible mother to me.
katehater says:
YTA. As someone who has two dad’s and did the special dances at my wedding…there are better ways to handle this. I danced with the dad who raised me for my father-daughter dance and once he had left for the night I shared a dance with my bio-dad.
I didn’t want anyone’s feelings to be hurt and I certainly didn’t want to follow up the dance with the man who raised me with a secondary daddy-daughter dance. I think it’s especially tacky to have a special dance with your dad’s AP no matter how wonderful she’s been to you.
It’s also likely your mother is aware of your preference for Alice and how would all of that make her feel? Her husband and her son both picked another woman to fulfill her role. I don’t care if I get downvoted for this one. I call it like I see it and this is messed up.
T1m34TrUtH1995 says:
YTA and just hear me out. It's still your mom and it was still an affair. Even if it wasn't physical, an emotional affair still counts and look at things from your moms POV. She already lost her ex husband to that woman dn now she's losing her kid.
Honestly you sound really selfish and narcissistic to completely disregard the feelings of the woman who gave birth to you
Ok-Macaron-6211 says:
I hate to agree, but I do. Op imagine you in this position and you daughter wanted to dance with the AP playing daddy. I understand you want to honour the relationship the two of you have, but your step mother isn't a great woman, she (and your father) purposefully caused your mother pain and ended a family unit.
That was a choice she made and she does have to live with her actions. I agree with your mother. Might be your wedding and your rules, but does your mother really deserve that slap in the face in front of everybody who knows what they did to her? She birthed and raised you, why should the AP take her one role at the wedding away from her.
No-Pressure3284 OP gets the last word:
She [Alice] has always been a great woman to me. There's been many moments she's been there for me and she's never treated me any differently than my sibs/her bio kids. I love my bio mom too but they both feel at least equally like mothers to me.
I know the way it started is controversial, and I emphasize with what my mother went through at the time, but its been over 20 years now so it clearly was not just a fling.