Parents accused of homophobia for refusing to pay for daughter's second wedding. 'AITA?' UPDATED
"AITA for not paying for my bisexual daughter's wedding?"
Here's the story:
My husband and I have two children, Sara (35) and Samuel (29). When both our kids got engaged, we gave them a choice. We would pay for a small wedding and give money towards a house. Or we would pay for them to have a big wedding and nice honeymoon.
My daughter Sara got married at 20 to her high school sweetheart. They took us up on the small wedding offered and were happily married for 8 years before our son-in-law passed away. After his passing, she announced that she was bisexual and that she was now dating a women named Laura.
Initially we were shocked and, admittedly, a bit disappointed. But after taking the time to get to know Laura we realized that she was a good person, great with our grandchildren, and made our daughter happy. They got engaged this Christmas and we couldn't be happier. We have accepted her into the family as one of our own.
My son Samuel married a girl from church this January. When he got engaged they chose to have a big wedding as they already have a place to live. The wedding was a grand and quite a lovely event.
While there, we were sitting with Sara and Laura. Sara started talking about how this time around, she would take us up on the big wedding. I asked her what she was talking about, and she referred to our deal. I told her that the deal was a one time offer, and that we are done paying for weddings.
She got very angry and accused my husband and I of being homophobic. She said if she was marrying another man, then we would happily pay for the wedding. This is not the case at all. And if our son were to remarry, we would tell him the same thing. We paid virtually the same amount for both of them to get started out and feel that we have done our part to be fair.
Sara and Laura ended up leaving early that night, and have been cold towards us ever since. I honestly feel like we have done nothing wrong, but need to know. Reddit, AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say:
letsnotmeetbb said:
NAH - your daughter may have misunderstood, and the reasoning for her second wedding is not her fault - it’s not like she’s a serial divorcee. However, I understand that it may not be in your budget to pay for another wedding, as you have already graciously given her the money you had allocated.
keegeen said:
NTA. What 35 year old thinks their parents should be throwing them a second wedding? It’s a ridiculous expectation. Choice of partner is irrelevant.
Awkward-Potato3575 said:
NTA. You already paid for her wedding, and gave her money for a house which I'm guessing Sara and Laura live in together now? Yes is sucks that her husband died and she surely wasn't planning to ever get married again, but you're not an endless bank who can shell out however much money whenever she wants
MultiFazed said:
NTA. Who the hell hears an offer to pay for a wedding and tries to treat it like an all-you-can-eat special? Your finances aren't a buffet, and you likely can't afford to pay for an unspecified number of future weddings. You have your own financial situation and retirement savings to think about.
CulturedPhilistine said:
NTA. Second wedding is on them, gay or not. The entitlement is ridiculous, many kids don't even get one wedding paid for, let alone two. She's also an AH for calling you homophobic, terrible thing to do.
And roadkillsoup said:
NTA but based on how you initially reacted, I don't blame her for being defensive. Yeah if you zoom out and look at it, it's pretty selfish to ask for a bunch of money on a second wedding, but based on your homophobic history, her assumption makes sense.
You have no obligation to contribute a bunch of money for her second wedding, but think about what you might be able to do to make reparations for how you treated her fiance in the past.
Maybe a thoughtful gift or make a small (small) sacrifice like an outing to a nice restaurant or something along those lines to show your support for their union. Try and keep the conversations going and show that you've changed. If you haven't already, craft a long and very sincere apology for your behavior and reinforce how much you love your family now.
Maybe you've already done that, but a little more effort (not thousands of dollars in wedding expenses) won't hurt. If you decide to sponsor a huge wedding as a show of support, that would be pretty cool. But you should absolutely not do that while she feels entitled to it. Best way to breed bad feelings for decades to come.
Considering these parents exhibited some homophobia in the past, it's not that off-base for their daughter to assume there's some homophobia at play here. Even if the decision is financial.
Apparently the parents agree, because the mom later posted this update:
I really appreciate your insight. Reading these comments, I definitely understand why our decision may have been hurtful to her. We are going to talk with her and offered to pay for a wedding expense as part of our gift to her. Hopefully this helps them feel more accepted.