Mom tells daughter to choose between family and fiancé; says, 'he's manipulative.'
'AITA for telling me daughter that she must chose us or her fiancé?'
I (42f) told my 19 year old daughter who currently lives with her fiancé (36m), that she must either chose us or her soon to be husband unfortunately, who she met when she was newly turned 18 at her father’s (49m) business conference. He has made it seem like we are the bad guys who don’t want them together but that is not it.
We don’t want them together because of who she has become. She is now distant, only gives us bland replies which we know he has indoctrinated her with, she hasn’t spoken to her father at all because she doesn’t want “work issues” between them, which again wouldn’t happen.
He lavishes her with materialistic gifts just so he can manipulate her into loving him or his “company.” He proposed to her just after a year of their relationship.
We invited her and him over for a holiday because we knew she wouldn’t come if we didn’t invite him. She still declined and told us she was going to his “family's cabin”. We tried to tell her they can come a couple of days later and she still declined.
That is when I called her and told her, “This isn’t going to be tolerated by me or your father any longer.” I informed her that she must either respect our wishes or his and that “it’s either us or him, who do you pick?” and she just told us to sleep because we seemed sleep deprived from the foolish questions we were asking.
I haven’t spoken to her since (three days ago) but AITA for giving her this ultimatum?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
SpiritusSpei writes:
Why did she cut off her other relatives? That is important INFO as she is about to cut you off, too.
Capital_Wolf_4932 OP responded:
That is the problem, i ask her and she just deflects or says “she has been busy”. She has been ignoring her own grandmother.
SpiritusSpei writes:
INFO: how is this received by you and other family's members that your teenage daughter is basically dating a sugar daddy twice her age? It seems like there is a lot of tension and disapproval which might be the cause of this escalating conflict. Please do clarify a little on the situation.
Capital_Wolf_4932 OP responded:
Well, all of her relatives know and think that there is an insurmountable power dynamic that makes it hard for us to believe she is truly “happy”. Which has led to a lot of tension (she doesn’t know of this tension as she cut off all of her relatives).
sassy_spungeldinger writes:
YTA for making her chose because it sounds like she doesn't have a choice. This man has a million red flags and is clearly trying to ensure all family and friends shut her out and stop contact - a clear sign of an abuser.
They stop contact with everyone so that she's stuck in the relationship and has no one else to turn to. IMO I would apologise and say you are always here for her no matter what because ultimately that could be her lifeline.
Latter_Ad_5497 writes:
Also the fact he went after a 18 year old girl is pretty sickening tbh he is twice her age
The_Death_Flower writes:
Also, as someone who’s been in abusive situations, the ultimatum will be used as ammo against the family. It will be a classic « if they loved you like I do they wouldn’t do this to you », or « your family doesn’t believe in our love », « they treat you like you’re still a child, but I see who you really are »
Traveling-Techie writes:
So you’re saying “he doesn’t get to control her, we do.” YTA