Parent snaps at SIL for not helping daughter with housework, 'you need ADHD meds.'

Managing mental health can be a lot of work, but if you don't do the work - it will only flounder and get worse. There are lots of ways to help yourself ranging from meds, to CBT, to small life hacks and healthy living. Every person needs something different, and in general, it's best to not give someone else unsolicited advice.

However, there are times when it's too painful or frustrating to watch someone else tank their own mental health while affecting those around them.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, the OP asked if they were wrong for telling their SIL he needs medication. They wrote:

"AITA for saying my son-in-law needs medication?"

My daughter's husband has ADHD. I am aware of ADHD and the nuances and symptoms since my daughter has it as well. But, at least from my point of view, he does nothing to cope or combat it in any way. As a result, I have witnessed him acting extremely negligent in his duties as an adult partner.

I don’t mean emotionally or anything, because they can be very sweet together, I mean he’s 100% the type of guy who has to be asked 5x to take the trash out and still doesn’t do it. Every house chore falls onto my daughter, even right after she gave birth, he didn’t do a single load of laundry, a single dish, walk the dog or change a diaper.

He works full time to support them while my daughter takes care of the baby, which is nice, but outside of that, he does nothing to contribute to their life from what I’ve seen. He is oblivious to the fact that she’s speaking to him half of the time and she ends up just sitting there talking to herself while he stares at his phone or spaces out.

All of which, he attributes to his ADHD claiming he has “executive dysfunction”, or that he gets sidetracked, overwhelmed by multiple chores, and starts to get frustrated. She has to call his name over and over again, repeatedly say “hello? I’m speaking to you?” For him to even glance up from his phone when she’s sitting two feet away from him.

He’s so not in tune with his surroundings that if the baby cries and she asks him to pitch in and help, he expects to be told what’s wrong with the baby, how to help, where to find everything, because he wasn’t paying any attention.

So if she needs him to help with the baby, she’s still not getting whatever else she needs to get done finished, because she’s standing there and walking him through step by step, repeating herself, and still doing 100% of the mental load. She seems so frustrated and upset. I watched this happen on countless visits and I just had enough of it this time.

I watched for a week while my daughter did everything, cooked every meal, cleaned everything, did every feeding, changed every diaper. She did it or I did it, and not once, did her husband even offer to help or notice. When we did things all together he was constantly talking over my daughter, zoning out, or completely not even paying attention, and she has to repeat herself over and over again.

Finally I snapped, cleared my throat and asked “why are you ignoring your wife when she’s talking to you?” He started scrambling and trying to explain that it’s just that he has ADHD and can’t help it, and I told him that having ADHD doesn’t give him an excuse to treat my daughter like she’s invisible, and if that’s the extent to which it affects him he needs to see a doctor and get medication.

His face got really red and he looked like he was about to cry, and I have to admit that I do feel bad for that, but at the same time, I think he needed to know. My daughter is saying she agrees but says that I owe him an apology for my tone or I won’t be invited back to visit. AITA?

People weighed in with their takes on the situation.

Fractured_Orbit wrote:

As someone with ADHD and a son with wildly unchecked ADHD, I can assure you he is weaponizing his ADHD. For those saying she is TA, THIS IS A FORM OF ABUSE.

So if you would stand around and watch your adult kiddo get abused, props to you but most of us wouldn’t. If someone hit your daughter, you would have them arrested (correct response) or take them down (emotional knee-jerk reaction with negative consequences). So why is it okay to watch severe emotional abuse and be like “ohhhhh I’ll let that slide….I’ll wait til she has herself a whole breakdown.”

You are NTA but you emotionally responded….which will likely have negative consequences. You need to regroup and figure out a way to address this with your daughter before her world comes crashing down, and if that means some sort of insincere apology to the real AH of this story, so be it, cause she is going to need you in the not so distant future.

_Nana_111 wrote:

NTA. Only some of the things you described in regards to SIL can be contributed to ADHD. The other things are just him not giving a s#$t about your daughter and using ADHD as an excuse. Don't expect him to get medication for it because then he wouldn't have the excuse he wants for his behavior.

Consistent_Risk2722 wrote:

Seems like he had no issues keeping focus when you were calling him out. I would hate if this person was married to anyone I cared about. NTA.

MightyBean7 wrote:

NTA. A lot of what you describe could be attributed to ADHD but also to weaponized incompetence. It could be a combination of both but mainly to WI and he’s blaming the ADHD. Your daughter is probably to used to his s#$t and too tired to argue anymore.

I also have ADHD and can relate to many things you describe, such as spacing out, forgetting things, or getting sidetracked. But I also take measures. I’m medicated. I write stuff on post its, make lists and keep them in visible places, even write important things in my hands so I won’t forget them. It takes extra work, but I just can’t go around missing deadlines and messing up.

He seems only too happy to let his wife manage everything while he floats around like a forgetful little cloud. You are not chastising him for his ADHD, but for his pathetic and lazy attitude. Roast his ass away, madame.

Grimaceisbaby wrote:

NTA. I had a friend like this. I’ve tried everything. I tried to hold her hand in every way possible when she complained she didn’t want to get her rich parents to pay $1600 for medication consultations. I found her a family doctor when it's almost impossible to do locally and emailed her an intro to send.

She just wouldn’t do it. As someone with ADHD, I just want to scream. It’s the most helpless, frustrating experience. She threw me away the second I had to take precautions for my very serious health issues.

OP is definitely NTA here, but it sounds like they might need to apologize just to keep the peace enough to remain in contact with their daughter.