'AITA for calling my dad a loser who never got over my mother?'

"AITA for calling my dad a loser who never got over my mother?"

My (31M) father (59M) got a divorce from my mother when I was thirteen because he cheated. My sister (28F) Lily who was ten at the time caught them and told my mother. My dad ended marrying his affair partner but he's always resented sister for this.

My mother never forgave him and she never spoke to him again outside of co-parenting. My dad felt as though he owned my mother and he caused a lot of problems when she remarried and was able to have a child with my stepfather when she suffered many miscarriages with my dad.

He gets visibly very moody when I talk about my stepfather, half sister from my mother or my step siblings.

Lily is also divorced from her ex-husband Daniel (32M) but they're still close friends. They share some cats and constantly hang out together and Daniel still comes to our family events sometimes because Lily feels safer with him around.

They're both autistic so I think they don't want to bother finding someone else to be close to. They don't live together anymore but spends most of their free time together.

My dad constantly mocks Lily for hanging out with her ex. He alternates between saying Daniel is a loser and not good enough for her, calling her a loser for 'not getting over him' or trying to convince her to date one of his friend's sons. Lily gets very overwhelmed but she likes to handle things on her own so she tells him to leave her alone.

However, at a recent family function, my dad decided to taunt her in front of everyone. He was speaking our native language so Daniel didn't understand, but he was mocking her for 'being a desperate loser who still wasn't over' Daniel.

It was pretty vile and Lily became visibly upset. I had enough, so I said, in English, that he was a pathetic loser who never got over my mother and was taking his frustrations out on Lily for something she did as a child. I then said that he was jealous that Lily was able to have a good relationship with her ex-spouse because he wasn't.

He was infuriated and we got into a massive argument. Daniel, Lily and I ended up leaving and a few cousins did too.

The whole family is split, most of the older generation are saying that I'm a disrespectful asshole and I should've defended Lily without insulting my father. Our cousins say that I was right and he deserved every word I said.

Lily is upset about the argument because it triggered her, but she says that what I said and did was right. Daniel has the same opinion as Lily. AITA?

Info from OP:

My dad took Lily with him when he was meeting his affair partner one day. My mother was given a picture of the woman and she asked my sister and I if we recognized her. I didn't, Lily did.

From the comments:

askashleythatsme8 says:

Dad sounds like a complete abusive asshole and Lily is autistic. I don’t blame her for bringing someone who makes her comfortable. 🤷🏼‍♀️

throwraannoyingdad OP responded:

Yeah Lily and Daniel aren't like regular exes. They were best friends before marriage and split amicably when they realized that they didn't like each other romantically. I describe them as platonic soulmates.

Moms4Crack says:

NTA - Your dad seems like a real piece of work. Raised in a different culture isn’t an excuse for not behaving with basic decency.

The older generation is likely hanging on to cultural baggage ingrained at an early age. Not much you can do there. Support your sister and distance yourself from your father. Take him in small doses but your sister shouldn’t feel obligated to see him.

Raevyne says:

Whenever there's interpersonal conflict, it's usually best to go with what makes the victim feel best here. In this case Lily just wanted your dad to stop, so you made him stop, so you're pretty solidly NTA.

And your dad needs therapy up the wazoo. Where's affair-partner/new wife in all this? Did he mess up that relationship too?

throwraannoyingdad OP responded:

They're still together but they can't stand each other. They spent 10/18 years of their marriage cheating on each other 💀

wind-river7 says:

NTA. But your father and the pack that support him sure are. Next time there is a family gathering, you and your cousins can get together someplace away from the old crowd.

throwraannoyingdad OP responded:

Yeah we usually hang out without our parents, unfortunately this gathering was my grandmother's birthday so we were all expected to be there 🫠

Appropriate_Title135 says:

I hope your stepmom cheats on your shitty father.

throwraannoyingdad OP responded:

They used to cheat on each other all the time, they're too old for it now (I hope).