Woman discovers late husband's secret son; AITA for rejecting him? UPDATE

'My late husband had a son he never told me about. Now my daughter wants to know her brother.'

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My life was turned upside-down last month when I was informed of my husband’s death in a work-related accident. This would, of course, be hard enough to cope with, but shortly before the funeral a young man at my house, claiming to be my late husband’s son.

My husband didn’t speak a word about him to me. He claimed to have not known about me or either of my daughters (12 and 8) until he was notified of my husband’s death and found the obituary in the online version of our local paper.

The young man was 18 and must have been born before I met my husband; he also claimed his own mother died years ago and was never to his memory in a relationship with my husband.

So the boy’s existence is not proof of infidelity on my husband’s part. However I still feel just as betrayed. My husband never breathed a word of him to me. This boy lives in the UK where my husband sometimes worked (I live in the US); he traveled a lot in his line of work and I can’t help but wonder how many other secret children did he have?

How many times did my husband visit this boy and never told me about it? What else was he not telling me?

This boy had pictures with himself and my husband at various ages. He says he was brought up at a boarding school and my husband visited him sometimes. Though I very much want to, I have no reason to doubt his story. The boy asks to come to the funeral. I want to say no but I feel like I have no right.

My kids see me talking to this stranger and poke their heads in to ask what’s going on. Before I can stop him, the boy introduces himself to them as their half-brother. Now not only do I have to figure out how to cope with all this information myself, but I also have to find some way to explain it to my children?

My 8YO doesn’t seem to get the full implications of her father keeping this kind of secret from all of us but my 12YO is clearly upset although she won’t talk about it with me.

At the funeral the boy kind of lurked in the corner but when lunch was served afterwards he approached both my girls and was playing games like tag with my 8YO and some of her friends who joined in.

I didn’t think this was appropriate and when I told him so he apologized and said he did it to raise her spirits and it’s what people did for him when his mother died to cheer him up. Something about his answer irked me and I got the impression he was trying to manipulate me into feeling sorry for him and using my children to do it.

My mom and my sister came over to help me after I got the news about my husband. Of course I talked to them about what was going on and they were shocked. My mom brought up the point that the boy might be after money.

All of our important assets were in both of our names and I am the only beneficiary of his life insurance policy. But I was not sure what could happen if he tried to sue. I asked the boy frankly if money is what he was after and he said, “No, I couldn’t take any of your money. You have kids to take care of.”

It irked me the way he said that as though I was offering money and he was trying to show how good he was by turning it down. It felt as though he expected me to give it to him anyway.

I asked the boy what he wanted and he said he wanted to get to know my children because they’re his sisters. In my opinion, they might be his sisters, but he’s a stranger to them regardless of biological relation.

Apparently at the funeral he told my 8YO he was going to ask me if he could take my girls to the aquarium and so that got her hopes up about it before I could even make a decision.

I said yes only if my mom or sister went with them bc I wasn’t about to let my girls go with a strange man no matter what. Over the next week he also took my girls to the park, ice-cream place, and the lake, with my sister as a chaperone every time. I agreed to this and it was helpful because it gave me a chance to break down and cry to my mom without the girls around.

When he left and my 8YO hugged him and told him not to go and he said “I promise I’ll come visit again.” I stepped in and said “No I think it would be best if you didn’t come back here.” He looked hurt and my 8YO cried but I was sick of him promising things without getting approval.

She thinks it’s a cool mystery like from a TV show that she has a secret brother and she doesn’t realize how disturbing it is that her father hid his existence.

My sister asked me later why I told him not to come back and I told her I think the whole thing is weird, I don’t know this boy or his real intentions, he could be some kind of weirdo trying to get my girls alone.

My sister says I judged without ever getting to know him and he seems like a very sweet young man, he grew up mostly without a family, and he could have been jealous that my girls got all his father’s attention, but instead he wanted to connect with them.

My opinion is that even if those are his intentions and he’s totally innocent, I still don’t want him around my home or my girls. To me he is just proof that my husband lied to me for years and it makes me sick to look at him.

My girls don’t need this drama either, and even my 8YO is going to be traumatized once she is old enough to realize how much her dad was hiding. Me or my girls don’t owe him anything.

My sis says that I don’t have to want him in my life but I don’t have the right to deny the girls their brother. She pointed out social workers do everything they can to avoid separating siblings because of the trauma. I said it’s not the same thing because my girls have only known this “brother” for a week.

My sister said it’s also important because my girls’ brother is now the only person they know of “their culture”; my husband was like 1/8th Hawaiian (the rest white and Asian) and so the girls and their brother are like 1/16th, the boy appears to be white, and my daughters and I are black.

But this boy was raised in the UK and he isn’t part of Hawaiian culture and honestly I think culture is something natural and not something to force because of your genetics. My girls don’t live in Hawaii they live in Oregon so that is their culture. Not “black culture” or “Hawaiian culture.” I don’t force myself or my girls to participate in African culture just because of our genetics.

I thought my 8YO would get over her “brother” and she did go several weeks without asking about him, but yesterday she asked about him again. I feel bad about ever allowing them to go anywhere together and bond.

I wish I’d handled the whole thing differently, and now I don’t know how to explain the situation to my kids. My 12YO hasn’t asked about her brother but she has been extremely closed off since her father’s death and I don’t know how this issue might be complicating what she’s feeling. I just need outside opinions to know what to do about this.

Here's what people had to say to OP after the first post:

Jen5872

I think emotions are running high right now. You've had a double whammy. I think perhaps you need to maybe see a grief counselor over this. Your girls too.

That said... It's not like this boy had any control over what your husband did. Making him pay for your husband's mistake is not fair. Second, I think you would be better served to set some ground rules.

Like he needs to ask you first to take the girls somewhere before he says anything to them. That would be reasonable. Having someone you know go with him is also reasonable. Do you really want to deny your daughters a relationship with their brother? You know that's going to come back and bite you.

OP responded (to a bevy of downvotes):

I realize that my husband's lies aren't the boys fault but I also feel like the boy's feelings aren't my problem. Maybe that sounds heartless but I wouldn't prioritize any other random stranger's feelings, so why should this boy be different?

I guess I just don't see why the girls need a relationship with a brother they don't know. I've never understood that. I always figured if I found out that I was secretly adopted, or switched at birth, or one of my parents cheated on the other, or some other reason to find out that I had a biological family member that I ever met, that I would see no reason to meet them.

Genetics don't mean anything to me. I love my family because of the times I shared with them, not because of genetics. But I know that not everyone sees it that way.

Noonecaresat805

This sucks. I completely see your side of things. But then I think of his. First get a dna test if it comes back positive then stop and think about his side. He's probably there because his dad just died, he is now an orphan and probably looking for some kind of family connection.

You guys are all he has now. Yeah. It’s hard on you and your daughters but imagine being him. Left in an boarding school, hidden away from his dad's side of the family. He is probably feeling as heartbroken as your daughters.

But unlike them he may have no family to turn to to help him grieve. I know you don’t have to let him into your life or your daughters. But don’t be mad at him he hasn’t done anything. Be mad your husband for keeping him a secret.

OP responded again:

I don't know if I would say I'm mad at him. Certainly not nearly as mad as I am at my husband. The boy does rub me the wrong way with the way he is trying to butt into my daughters' lives but some part of me does see he is probably doing it because he's lonely.

But I just don't have any room in my heart right now for someone else's child when it's taking all I have to put one foot in front of the other and do what needs to be done for my own. I thought about maybe asking the boy about a DNA test.

But I don't know what it would achieve. I don't want him in my life or my daughters' life either way and even if the DNA test came back negative it would only raise more questions. And I don't know if it would open up any legal troubles where now I owe the boy money from my husband's estate if it comes up positive?

Lurker-1969

My brother has a daughter that he hasn't acknowledged for 40 years. His adult kids don't even know they have a sister. He also has two adult grandsons from her. It really makes me mad that he is hiding this from his kids.

Others know the truth but will not come forward. All of these kids involved have been cheated out of the opportunity to know each other. Don't be one of these people. Find out the truth about this kid.

After a few commenters suggest it could all be a scam, OP adds this update to the original post.

I didn't want to introduce this stranger to my kids, but when he showed up to deliver such shocking news my children came in and asked what was going on. He introduced *himself* before I think about how to tell my children.

He asked if he could show up to the funeral and I felt like I couldn't say no to that, but then used it as an in with my children. He offered to them behind my back to take them somewhere so then I felt like I would be the bad guy if I said no. It rubbed me the wrong way but I brushed it off.

I was in a vulnerable state, not thinking clearly, and he took advantage of that. I should have trusted in my instincts from the beginning. The idea that there could be scammers that prey on grieving families is just horrible and I had no idea of such a thing.

I've contacted a lawyer to figure out how to establish if there is truth to his story and what my legal obligations are to the boy. I'm also going to have a long talk with my sister to see if during their outings he had done any kind of prying that might have led to him learning information about my family that he could use somehow. I'm already in the process of getting therapy for my children and myself.

EDIT 2: People have been saying a lot of nasty things about me and I don't think I'm going to get much more productive input out of this, so this is going to be my last post on this topic.

I considered taking the post down but I decided to leave it up so people can be aware that scammers operate like this. That they can be so good at what they do that even hundreds of third-party outsiders will take the scammer's side.

In hindsight I can't believe I didn't see it and I cannot believe I ever let such a person step foot in my home or even speak to my children. (Apparently the goal was not to ask for money right away, it was to get close to me and my children and ask me for money later for a fake emergency. Other commenters elaborated on how it works.)

If my daughter asks about her "brother" again I'll have to tell her she was tricked. I don't want to do that to her unless I'm completely sure. So I most likely will be asking the boy for a DNA test, birth certificate, et cetera. However not until I have the chance to speak to a lawyer.

After that update, a pretty severe about-face. OP returned to write:

'I was wrong and IWTA.'

My husband’s son (I wasn’t trying to demean him by calling him the boy, I was avoiding using names) was telling the truth. My husband’s name wasn’t on his birth certificate but the DNA test did show he was related to my kids.

He also had more photos, cards and voicemails, tons of evidence to prove that my husband did keep regular contact with him.

Apparently the son’s grandparents were his legal guardians. My husband occasionally gave them cash as under-the-table child support. I did notice that Husband sometimes made large withdrawals when he went overseas. He said it was because shops there don’t take his card.

I wanted to believe it was a scam because I thought it made more sense than Husband having lied.

Talking to my husband’s son a bit more revealed he’d been lying to him too. Apparently he told him he was a cowboy and a pro football player, then when Son googled him he switched to saying he was a gangster who had done prison time?

Needless to say, none of that is remotely true. I can’t fathom what could possess him to behave this way. Lying to me, lying to his kid, not raising his kid. I’m questioning everything Husband ever told me and wondering if it was me who died, would he have abandoned our kids as well? I feel horrible for that boy.

I’m in therapy and working on ways to cope and forgive Husband for my own peace of mind. She’s helped me work out why I reacted to husband’s son the way I did. I thought he was manipulating me and my kids, but what I actually sensed was that he wanted something from me and my kids.

I felt like me and my daughters were not in a place to give anything emotionally or financially, so I recoiled from him. But that doesn’t mean he’s a threat.

My kids went to therapy as well, 12YO has weekly sessions. However my 8YO hated it so I've pulled her out for now.

Many people have shared their own stories of being separated from bio relations and the effect it had on them. I don’t understand it because genes don’t mean much to me, however, I don’t have to understand to respect it.

I personally don’t feel like I’m in any place to have any kind of relationship with Husband’s Son and I don’t think he wants one with me (he now appears scared of me, which I do feel bad about, I wasn’t trying to hurt him or scare him) but I will allow him to visit sometime if my girls want to see him. Sis agreed to continue to supervise.

As far as money goes the lawyer advised me that there aren’t many assets that Son is entitled to because they were in both my and my husband’s name, except for a few investment accounts that were only in my husband’s name, thankfully not where the majority of our savings are.

I know people think I’m an evil witch for caring about money but I need it to feed, clothe, and educate my own children.

By the end, the peanut gallery had largely turned on OP.

Classic_House8436

Look I get that he isn't your kid, but do you really think its fair not to give him anything from the inheritance? That is still his FATHER's insurance and money. How you can claim that u suddenly feel bad for him and his situation, but then pull a complete 180 when it comes to money that is rightfully just as his as it is yours, bewilders me. You are not a good person OP, jesus.

Sharkyboiiiiiiz

I really don’t know how to feel about this, because while it was very obvious you need therapy and i’m glad youre getting it, I don’t know what to think about the rest of this. He wasn’t being weird, nor manipulative in the first post, nor did I really see any valid reason for you to be angry and annoyed at him for wanting to connect with his siblings.

Your husband’s faults are not his, and to take that out on him feels cruel. He lost both his parents, and was lied to by his dad, and is trying to connect on some level with his family. You are not the only one who had lost someone, and while I understand grieving, that doesn’t negate the harm you’ve caused and I hope is a big focus in your therapy.

Your husband was the one at fault, and you were trying to take that out on an 18 year old and that doesn’t seem healthy. In the end I hope you try and be supportive of your children's relationship to their brother.

He sounds like a good brother and considering your children are young and impressionable and have seen the way you treat him, may do the same.

I hope you allow them to see him because they deserve an opportunity to decide for themselves what relationship they want with their sibling. Being safe is important so I get a supervisor, just please don’t assume your beliefs are your children's.

They may want that cultural or genetic connection, and as long as it isn’t harmful they should be allowed to have it. Good luck, I hope you are healing. I hope therapy goes well. I hope you are happy

OP responded:

In hindsight I can see my reaction was wrong. I don't have anything against my husband's son, I feel horrible for him. At the same time, I don't have anything in me to build a relationship with a new family member right now, but I will try to be supportive if that's my kids' wish. Thank you for the kind words.