Woman loses it because in-laws keep calling her 'mama'; says, 'I’m not JUST a mom.'

'AITA for losing it and telling in-laws to stop calling me 'mama' and trying to erase my identity?'

I have 2 kids, 2f, 4f. I f**king hate how everyone thinks of me as being just a mommy now. I don’t get to be my own person. I’m just mommy. Husband doesn’t face this. He gets gifts from everyone that have to do with his hobbies. Me? I get a bunch of mommy sh*t. Tee hee, mommy needs wine!

And like matching outfits. I don’t mean like, one of those cutesy matching pajama sets that the nurses and horse girls wear in their staged Christmas insta pics. I mean like, people actually think I’m going to go out in public wearing some cutesy matching outfits with my toddlers. As though I think they’re mini versions of myself? Or dolls?

From the time we got to the in-laws, it was “mama” this and “mama” that. At some point, my SIL said it and I said “You know my name is (Carmen), right?” she just looked at me funny and said “Of course, silly?” I said “So why do you keep calling me “mama”? You aren’t going around calling (husband) papa?” SIL just looked at me like I had 2 heads and was like “Um, okay.”

This went on all over Christmas. Here you go, mama. Want another slice, mama? At that point I was just like “Do you guys mind calling me by my name instead of calling me mama?” The same SIL as before did the whole golly-gee doe eyed thing and said “But you’re such a good mama!”

I said that I’m not JUST a mom. I gestured to the things that husband got for Christmas from them, and said “Why didn’t you guys get him anything that says “papa”? Everything you gave me is somehow related to me being a mom. Why does HE get to be his own person?”

MIL grabbed my hand and squeezed it and said that she was sorry that she made me feel like this. She was just “so excited” about being a grandma and she never really thought of things like that.

I was feeling a little better until SIL2 and SIL3 started going after me. One of them did that whole “Are you okay? Do you need to talk someone? You sound so angry, it isn’t healthy” faux concern thing that’s meant to shame you for having any emotional response.

The other one was angry and saying that “is being a mom somehow beneath you” and “do you think you’re better than the rest of us?” and all that.

When we finally left, he asked me why I’d kept it in for so long, and I said that I haven’t. No one listened to me before. I’ve said these things plenty of times. I’ve always asked them to call me by my name and not some disgusting nickname that boils me down to giving birth.

He nodded, but said that I’d put a big pallor on the weekend and that I need to apologize for the outburst at some point. I said sure, as soon as SILs apologize to me for dehumanizing me for years. We’re at a stalemate. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

jnillo58 writes:

You do sound angry, wondering if there's something more bothering you

Ok_Corner754 OP responded:

There's this itch I have that feels like it's on my shoulder, but whenever I scratch it, nothing feels relieved. I can't tell where the real itch is coming from.

general_grievances_7 writes:

Girl. I got my husband so much cool shit for Christmas. Do you know what I got? A diaper bag. My kid isn’t even born yet and I feel your misery. NTA. This shit sucks.

Ok_Corner754 OP responded:

NO! I'm so sorry, I hope it was at least a fucking Kate Spade diaper bag with like, USB ports or something in it. Jesus, that's so unfair. Please go treat yourself to something nice.

Cause_Training writes:

YTA. It sounds like you handled the situation fine. I'd be annoyed too, but would just put up with it because being supportive to my husband's relationship with his family is more important to me than my ego. They're probably getting you gifts like that because they dont know you very well, but are trying to make you feel included and be nice.

I always think 'mommy needs wine' and stuff is kind of mean spirited, and I'd hate being called mama too.

The AH thing you're doing is putting your husband in a position where he has to choose between you and his family. If his family gets it that you dont like being called 'mama' by people you didn't give birth to, why make them prostrate themselves before your feet? Just get over it and move on.

It almost makes it seem like you're taking waaaay too big offense at something meant to make you feel welcome.

Ok_Corner754 OP responded:

Yet another example of someone taking deep offense at a woman expressing any form of emotion, or any style of communication other than smiling and nodding, and someone creating narratives about mental illness. Women really can't win, can we?

Particular_Produce63 writes:

YTA. Get over yourself. Your SILs went for the kill bc your being irrational. Perhaps you should talk with a professional. The momma title is honorific and temporary.

Ok_Corner754 OP responded:

Talk with a professional? As in, a professional sister in law? A professional mother? I know you aren't trying to suggest that a woman expressing frustration about a situation she's tried to resolve several times should speak with a therapist? That would be silly.

Patpoose187 writes:

No. Your SILs owe you an apology and you owe them…..F%*@ing nothing. Even after.