'AITA for forcing my parents to sleep in separate rooms when they visit?' UPDATED
"AITA for forcing my parents to sleep in separate rooms when they visit?"
I 29(f) got married last year to my husband (28m). Before that we were dating for 3 years. When I was finished with high school I went abroad to go to college and after college decided to stay there.
I met my husband bought a house after we got married. Now, during that time that I was abroad, I would always visit my parents and they would never visit me. The only time they came here was for the weeding.
Also, the first time they met my husband, I thought it’s going great. After we settled from the weeding and everything, I took him to my hometown. The plan was we stay with our parents.
When we arrived, my dad informed us that we need to sleep in separate rooms because, and I quote, “I don’t want any funny business” and I argued. My husband eventually calmed me down and said it’s ok.
In the end we shortened our visit from 10 to 5 days because it was frustrating for me that my marriage wasn’t respected or my relationship and that I am an adult. Our relationship since then has been awkward.
This new year they decided to visit us, and when they arrived my husband, with prior discussion with me of his plan, informed them they would have separate rooms.
My parents didn’t take it well my dad started to argue but my husband said he doesn’t want any funny business going on. My dad shut up, my mom told us we were being brats and they both took their bags and left. We have not had contact since.
My sister is called me and told me we were a**%$les for treating them like that, I don’t think so. IMO how much respect you give is how much you get. But maybe I’m wrong. AITA?
Info from OP:
His parents, when we stay over, allow us in one room. They have never disrespected me or judged my marriage. This is not about his parents and our relationship with them.
And he doesn’t make the situation worse. He defended himself and our marriage, and I am proud to stand beside him. I hope they will get over it. I have my plans for mending it in a way but not bowing down.
We are planning a visit to my hometown in spring (staying in a hotel) and during that time I will contact them for lunch or dinner, but my plan is in the future we stay in a hotel when we visit and they stay in a hotel when they visit.
Here's what people had to say:
WantonChrysanthemum
You’re not the a$$h0l3 if you want to go tit for tat in your relationships and potentially cause a serious rift with your parents, who, flawed as they might be, are your only parents, who will age, get sick, and die. Idk. Maybe that’s too dramatic, but family is serious.
If I were you, I would have told them separate rooms, then said OK now you see how it feels, then given them one room. I don’t think there was any need to let it go as far as them leaving your house, that seems childish and callous on your part. I’m going to go with ESH. Apologize! Make it better.
0---------------0
I don't think I'd call you an AH; after all, you're treating them in exactly the way they treated you and what's good for the goose and all that. Bottom line is that as you say, your house, your rules and if you choose to make them abide by the same rules you had to, even if it seems petty, that's your choice.
Heinrad_
NTA that’s f**king classic. Petty? Sure. Hopefully it’s lesson learned on their part but I love it regardless
Throwsinglebed
Husband thought of it I just agreed to it (he didn’t want to do it unless I am onboard)
Eight months later the OP suddenly returned with an update:
So, it’s been a while and my post! So, the update. After I let the dust settle, I contacted my brothers and asked for their perception and they mostly agreed with me. They said exactly what I said that their girlfriends were staying in their beds at 18, let alone not even allowed to sleep in the house at 22.
They mentioned that our parents only mentioned our disagreement once to them in passing when they got home but once my oldest brother reminded them that it was true that they were allowed partners over as teens, they never brought it up again. It took a couple weeks but my mother called me to talk.
At first she maintained that it was probably only a few times they were allowed girlfriends to sleep over but I was quick to shut it down. Everything she said I had an answer for.
I admit, stress from wedding planning was taking a toll on my self control. It ended with my mother admitting that she must have forgotten it all so I just left it. A win is a win.
She asked if we could put it all behind us and I said as soon as she apologised then we could. She said that she understands how it may have came across as sexist and favouritism but she didn’t mean it to.
They were just overly protective of me being their only girl and didn’t realise how that would come across to me. It may not seem like much from my mother, that’s as good as a bunch of flowers and a please forgive me card.
So, the wedding went off without a hitch in November and everyone had a whale of a time. It was nothing short of magical and I had all my family there with me. Couldn’t have asked for anything more.
So, to everyone saying how my parents were never going to talk to me again and that I was prioritising petty revenge over a relationship with my parents, please touch grass.
If something so small would separate you from your family, that says more about you and your family than it does about me and mine. We all have faults, but come on. Bit dramatic.
There are a lot of people calling me a justified asshole which I kind of get and a lot saying I’m not the a$$h0l3. The ones convinced I’m being a hell spawn on earth just make me laugh. People talking about how I have no respect. I respect your opinion but I vehemently disagree with it. To me, I was just showing the same respect I was given.
Thank you everyone that was invested, I really needed the validation that I’d done the right thing when my mind was all fuzzy and clouded from stress. General consensus is that I wasn’t an a$$h0l3, but I was petty, whether you love the pettiness or not, and I can get behind that.
Not the most drama filled update but I wanted to put a close on all this.
Thank you all!
Here's what people had to say after the update:
Lumpy-Reply5964
Did we find a normal, rational and logical person on this sub - who also has a family who is the same? Not sure I've seen this before haha, good on y’all for putting it behind you and acting like civilized people.
ResponsibleWinter758 OP
I hope so! Some of the replies I had were.. unnerving, to say the least.
KissMeKitten20
Standing up for yourself and demanding fairness isn't petty; it's essential. Kudos for setting boundaries and demanding respect. Your self-respect is worth more than appeasing outdated notions of 'family harmony'.
Kenvan19
Thanks the the update! I do remember this post and I’m glad it worked out. That’s generally been my experience with family - people aren’t perfect and they will make mistakes.
Complex_Function_286
I know people say this a lot but this time I think it fits…you need to leave your husband. I know this all has nothing to do with him and there’s absolutely no reason to leave him but it’ll be best for you.
ResponsibleWinter758 OP
But wait… now you mention it he did leave a tea bag on the side of the sink! Do you think we have communication issues and he doesn’t respect my boundaries? 😭😢
BeardManMichael
Great update. I'm glad that your family is still, well, a family. Lots of folks are very quick to doubt familial connections but I'm happy yours stayed intact.