'AITA for telling my son-in-law's new wife she will never take my daughter's place?'
"AITA for telling my son-in-law's new wife she will never take my daughter's place?"
I lost my daughter Abby 7 years ago. She was married to Scott and had three children with him who are now 11, 12, and 14. Scott and my grandkids stayed part of the family and last year Scott remarried. His current wife is Beth. We all knew Beth for a few years prior to the wedding and she was always very friendly. Though at times she could be a little pushy. Scott would always handle that though.
After they got married Beth's pushiness got worse and Scott appears to have lost control. Beth was upset when she dropped my grandkids off one day that we had not added photos of her to our house and commented as such. In our living room, we have a display with photos of our kids and their weddings. She felt her and Scott's wedding should be there.
She was upset when my grandkids spent Mother's Day with us and our extended family and we did not include her. Scott wasn't invited either. Mother's Day is a difficult day for him due to a bad relationship with his own mother. But Beth said we should invite her too because she's part of the family and then she said she's one of our kids too.
I asked her what she meant and she told me she is obviously going to be one of our kids now that she's the mother figure for our grandkids. I told Scott what she said and he was embarrassed and told me he would speak to her.
Beth was also upset when my husband posted on Facebook to say something about our kids and she didn't get mentioned as one of our kids, but as Scott's wife (we mentioned Scott and how wonderful he was to Abby and how wonderful he is as a father). For my grandson's 14th birthday, we were all together and he wanted a "mom's side" photo.
Beth attempted to get into the photo and when Scott tried to remind her she said she's part of the family now. He pulled her aside and the photo was taken without her. But she told one of my sons after that she felt like we weren't treating her as a daughter and then said Scott never treated her as a lesser wife.
We saw them a little over Christmas and Beth was upset that we got them a joint gift (for her and Scott) instead of getting her one alone. She told me she's tired of feeling like she's not really family and she said she feels like we always put Abby first when she's here now. I saw red after this and I told her she can never take my daughter's place and the fact she ever thought she could is outrageous.
She told me the kids call her mom and they think the world of her so why wouldn't we. I told her the kids have always called her Beth when I hear them and she turned around and said that's our fault because the kids should be calling her mom and they don't. She lost it from there. Beth stormed out and I explained what happened to Scott. He apologized and left the kids with us so he could speak to her.
I think they worked it out but Beth said I was needlessly cruel to imply she's not as good as Abby and doesn't deserve to be our daughter. AITA?
The internet had a lot to say about this dynamic.
Jaylloyd24 wrote:
NTA. You are Abby's parents and not Scott's - you have a good relationship with him and your grandchildren and that is wonderful, but she is not your family. She is Scott's, and a step-mother to your grandchildren. She seems to be pushing boundaries, and misunderstands that your relationship with Scott is based on the relationship he had with your daughter.
You have included Beth in what you are comfortable with, but you are not obligated to treat her like your daughter, and her comments about being the children's mother, and that your daughter is put first - despite having passed - is alarming.
The_Bad_Agent wrote:
NTA and Beth needs to be shut down hard every time! Her behavior is OUTRAGEOUS. There's nothing that makes any sense coming from her. She is the wife of your late daughter's widowed husband...which makes her absolutely nothing in your family. Scott should look at getting her a mental health evaluation.
judgingA-holes wrote:
NTA - UMMM Beth is crazy AF. She's treating this like you are Scott's parents not Abby's. Like for real this woman needs some serious therapy. I'm so sorry for your daughter's passing and that you have to deal with all this.
Natural_Garbage7674 wrote:
NTA. I'm sorry, but does Beth think that because Scott was married to your daughter, and now he's married to her, that she is (by some ridiculous logic puzzle) your daughter now? That because her husband's kids are your family, that she is too?
You don't owe her anything. You are accepting because she's now family adjacent, and because arguing with her could affect your relationship with your grandkids. But she isn't your daughter, or your daughter-in-law.
Where are Beth’s parents???
Icy_Leopard_7759 OP responded:
They live in another state.
Out of this entire story you’ve told, I believe the only thing you did wrong, was to not allow her to be present in the family photo. She is now part of the family and you could try to extend some grace towards her but no, you don’t need to display her wedding photo in your home. She has not become your child via marriage. As for the kids addressing her by her name, that has zilch to do with you.
Icy_Leopard_7759 OP responded:
She was in other photos that day. Just not the one my grandson wanted to have with our side.
Yeah I get it and I’m not trying to push my view down your neck. However, what would it cost you to accede to such a small thing. So, let her be in the photo, she was there and seems to so desperately want to be a part of the family.
The rest of it, I agree with you on every point.
Icy_Leopard_7759 OP responded:
It would have upset my grandson. It was his birthday after all and he made the request and wasn't happy when she made it clear she wanted to be in the photo.
Were you invited to Scott and Beth's wedding, and if so, did you attend?
Icy_Leopard_7759 OP responded:
We were not invited.
Of course, Beth cannot "replace" Abby, and it's ridiculous for anyone to think such a thing. However, she is hypersensitive, and small things to include her as an integral part of the family and the mother figure to your precious grandchildren could be accomplished to make her feel better and to calm ruffled feathers.
Some things that I'm reading seem a little mean. Does it hurt to have a photo of her in your home with other pix of the family? Could you mention her in a Facebook post about the family? I don't understand these omissions.
If, heaven forbid, something were to happen to Scott, Beth would likely be their prime parent, and you want to have a good relationship in place for an ongoing relationship with the kids. Something to think about. I'm sorry for your loss. xo
Icy_Leopard_7759 OP responded:
She was mentioned in the Facebook post with Scott. She didn't like how she was mentioned. We are going to be the legal guardians if something happens to Scott. He arranged that with us and even confirmed things had not changed recently.