Man tells wife she is 'selfish' for going to funeral, 'ruins' Father's Day. AITA?
"AITA for expecting my wife to prioritize me for Father’s Day instead of going to a funeral?"
My wife and I have two children, a 4 year old and a 6 year old. Our 6 year old is on the autism spectrum. It goes without saying that this is a very stressful position and neither of us get very much of a break from this. My wife is a SAHM and I have a full time job.
As happy as our children make us, I don’t think it’s selfish for us to both desire breaks. We get them every here and there but we made a deal to have 2 guaranteed breaks in a year. Our birthdays, and mothers/Father’s Day.
On those days, the one parent takes on the brunt of the burden so the other can get a day to relax. Since our youngest was about 2 we practiced this.
I have never failed to give my wife the day off she deserves. I’ll schedule her a spa day, or something she really wants to do and get her out of the house so she can relax while I’m on daddy duty. Then when she gets back our kids give her cards and gifts, and we get a meal from her favorite place after they go to bed.
My wife has been less consistent and doesn’t really do as much as I do for her. The last year she hasn’t really done anything.
I typically try not to hold it against her as it is undoubtedly hard, but it does feel kind of unfair. This Father’s Day, I planned something for myself as she made no indication of doing something for me. I warned her a week in advance and she said it was okay.
This was until about 3 days ago. My wife’s old boss’s dad passed away. She was invited to the funeral by the boss and she chose to attend the funeral which was about 2 hours away. As a result I had to cancel all of my plans and take care of the kids.
She was supposed to be home at around 5 in the evening but didn’t arrive until around 10. The kids were already asleep and my wife neglected to even help them get Father’s Day cards for me.
We got into a huge argument when she got back. I told her that i felt like she really dropped the ball on this and didn’t give me a break like I usually do for her.
She told me that she’s home with the kids all day just about every day and I only have to help out after work and as far as she’s concerned I regularly get a break and she doesn’t. I told her working isn’t a break and that I really was looking forward to today.
She said that someone died and I was being completely selfish to make it about me. I said that it was someone she didn’t know who was the parent of someone she hasn’t seen in over a year and I didn’t think I was being selfish in asking her to prioritize my needs just as a gesture like I do hers.
She’s been pissed at me since and were not talking. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
I’m going against the grain here — NTA
Your wife could have easily gone to the funeral & come home at 5. Perhaps, brought dinner, did baths & bed while you relaxed. She also absolutely should have helped the kids make/do something special for you.
“Old boss’s Dad” — in my funeral book that does not really justify leaving family for an entire day, driving 4 hours & ignoring Father’s Day. The funeral was just an excuse to get out of the house. You may have bigger issues than missing Father’s day.
eta — tell your wife you would like a re-do. Pick another Sunday for Father’s day. Maybe she will actually help the kids do something fun for you.
From the title, I was totally expecting that this was the funeral of someone really close to OP's wife...but her 'old boss's Dad'????? Nope, that doesn't justify forcing your husband to cancel his father's day plans.
She could have sent her condolences in a nice card a flower arrangement, and surely the old boss would have understood that she couldn't just leave her family on father's day - that is a day that most people devote to family. NTA.
I'm sorry, but who attends their former boss's FATHERS funeral several hours out of town? I mean I wouldn't attend my bosses funeral even if it was in my town. NTA.
NTA. She went to a funeral for the father of an old boss she hasn’t seen in a year and didn’t get back until 10:00? There is no reason to be gone all day for a funeral for someone you didn’t know. I can see maybe making an appearance if she was close to her boss or other coworkers, but staying until 10:00 is suspect.
The OP was picking up on what commenters were suggesting and provided some more helpful information.
Edit: My wife is not sleeping with her boss. Her boss is a married gay man.