Dad breaks down on Father's Day after wife doesn't plan anything, 'could I get one hour?'
"AITA for not giving my husband 'a single hour off' on Father's Day?"
My husband (36M) and I (33F) have been married for 8 years and have 3 kids (5, 3, and a 1-month-old infant). I am currently still recovering from my planned c-section and it is taking a lot longer than I had hoped. I am not on bedrest, but pretty darn close.
Unless it's to go to the bathroom or changing or feeding my baby, I'm pretty much always sitting or laying down. I don't like it, but it's what my body needs to heal right now. Both my husband and I are still on maternity/paternity leave. Obviously, that means that pretty much every other aspect of our lives falls on my husband right now.
He' been doing a great job of taking care of the older kids and making sure everything in our lives is running as smoothly as it can given our circumstances. He's also great about taking care of the baby and giving me breaks as much as he can. But I can tell it's starting to wear on him mentally and physically.
Neither of us is sleeping well and I swear he looks like he's lost more weight than I have since the baby came. Due to me being pretty much immobile, I can't really go out of the house to do anything without assistance. So I wasn't able to plan anything really fun for Father's Day.
I did help the older kids make him cards and ordered him some nice steaks to cook though. I felt bad because for Mother's Day he bought me a 6-hour pregnancy spa treatment and took the older kids out of the house all day so I could have peace.
But on the morning of Father's Day, I was feeling worse than usual as I had to strain myself the day before to pick up something off the floor and I aggravated my incision. So, I was laid up all day. Again, this meant my husband had to do literally everything that day.
By the time he got the older kids to bed, I could tell he was irritated and upset. I told him to try and relax for a bit, but then the baby started fussing and he jumped up off the couch, grabbed a pillow, and screamed into it. I tried to calm him down, but he just kept freaking out about how he's at his wits end and he needs a break and that I couldn't even find a way to give him a single hour of quiet on Father's Day.
I started crying and he just looked at me and walked away to take care of the baby without saying anything. After he took care of the baby he came back to me and apologized, but he said he needs a break and he's going to talk to family about taking the older kids for a week or so and that he's just disappointed that his Father's Day was spent running around doing everything for everyone else.
He didn't even get to cook his steaks, he ate cold pizza for dinner. I asked him what I was supposed to do because it's not like I can move or leave the house and he said I could have looked into a sitter for the kids or made them sit with me and watch a movie for an hour so he could have just a sliver of time for himself.
He said he feels like his needs are at the bottom of the list and he just wanted to feel like he matters for one day.
People did not hold back in the comment section.
_Dick_Whitman_ wrote:
YTA. You are a recovering mother which everyone should understand but I’ve spent 30 seconds reading this and already thought “why didn’t she coordinate with a friend or family member etc to take the kids for a portion of the day.”
That takes bare minimum effort and shows how you care for your man on his day during this period where he’s been getting the job done. Hindsight is 20/20 but again YTA.
Maatable wrote:
YTA for crying when he needed you, not the other way around. Seriously you managed to get access to internet to post this but not to find a sitter for Father's Day? Apologize to him and make it up to him. And next time he opens up to you, don't cry and make it about you. He's doing literally everything for you.
EDIT: I get people saying that 'you can't help crying,' and I know that, but people are missing that all she did was cry. At first she tried to 'calm him down,' which I have a feeling was to placate him, not soothe him, and then when he finally opened up about all he's struggling through, she shut him out by shutting down.
You can cry as part of your reaction, but when it is your entire reaction, you communicate to your partner that your pain, your feelings, are so much worse and more important than theirs. Even her husband regulated his emotional response when he screamed into the pillow for the sake of her and the kids.
There's crying because it's a reflexive response, and then there's crying because it protects you from responsibility and absolves you of guilt. If you're only just crying because it's a physical response, then go to your husband, cry, be emotional, be hurt, but still ask him how you can help. Don't come crying to the internet when he needs your care and attention the most.
BramptonBatallion wrote:
YTA.
Husband is making a cry for help, you should have found a way to offload the kids and give him a day off.
Outrageously_Penguin wrote:
Somewhere between N A H and YTA. You’re both in the thick of it right now. But he’s not wrong that you could have figured out a way to make sure he got a break. You can call and text potential babysitters from bed.
And like he said, you could have had the kids with you for an hour so he could relax. I’m not saying you’re a monster for not making it happen, but you should make it up to him. He’s clearly on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown and badly needs a break.
ndcollector wrote:
I guess...why did you order raw steaks he had to cook? There wasn't a restaurant to doordash or deliver or something like that? My dad likes to grill out on Fathers Day...but he has exactly himself to look after - not three very small children.
If you could email/call to order steaks...why didn't you email or call parents or other family or friends to possibly babysit? It sounds like some kind of family may be close. If it's an option for him to call family to take the older kids. I get that he can call...but it's Fathers Day. And it honestly doesn't sound like you were very sympathetic to him. You know it's wearing on him mentally and physically.
To the point of noticeable weight loss. It was just 'calm down what I am I supposed to do?' I don't think he's the @$$hole - I don't see anything he did that would make him one. He didn't yell at you or act aggressive toward you. He didn't take it out on the kids. I waiver between YTA and NAH, depending on why you could order steaks in advance, but not even try to find some assistance (either family or a friend).
It's super clear that OP was not caring or considerate on a day when her husband really needed it, hopefully she makes up for it.