'AITA for being resentful that I have to give my husband's parents a portion of my paycheck?' UPDATED

"AITA for being resentful that I have to give my husband's parents a portion of my paycheck?"

My (F28) husband(M30) and I share finances and we give a couple hundred dollars from our joint account to his parents each week. My husband earns slightly more than I do, however he spends a lot more and I do all the housework and cooking and most of our savings were originally mine so from that perspective.

Our contributions to the household are pretty equal, and could argue that I contribute more. We recently also bought a house to have a large amount of debt to pay off. When my husband expressed taking a few months off work unpaid, I was super supportive of him.

But I had to express that I wasn't comfortable being the main income earner AND also having to give money weekly to his parents, and buying them the occasion plane ticket when they want to go overseas to visit relatives, furniture etc.

For context his parents are happily retired, mortage free, have decent savings and minimal expenses and good pension. I expressed that I am completely fine with helping them financially if they needed it and asked.

However, since we will be struggling much more than them being on one income with a mortgage - it didn't make sense for us to struggle to make ends meet in order to give them money when they didn't even need it and I wasn't happy with that.

That led to a huge argument where he expressed that this was something he had made clear from the beginning of our relationship, and that I didn't have the same values as him, and it's not something that can be explained, he just wants to keep giving them money.

It lead to us trying to split our finances, which we realized did not work because how do you account for the past as well? We were both crying, and it led to me realizing that I love him too much and I am happy with him giving money to his parents if it makes him happy. And they are lovely to me and treat me well.

However sometimes I start to have feelings of resentment towards them, which I try to brush away because they are so good to me. But, the feeling is getting stronger by the day. I think it's got to do with the fact that yes, I am ok with my husband giving his parents money, but maybe I resent them for taking it knowing that it's all coming from me now.

My own mother would never accept any money from me if she knew we were struggling to make ends meet, she would simply just venmo it back. And maybe it's also because I didn't have a choice; I am forced into this. If it was my choice, I would be at peace.

However, because it's not my choice, I feel resentful towards his parents. But I am not going back on my decision I made that I said I was ok with my husband wanting to give his parents money. What do you guys think?

EDIT: We are not repaying them back any loan, it's all charity. And yes we are both asian.

Here were the top rated commented from readers:

amaraqi

It’s also not culturally traditional for the wife to be the sole breadwinner AND doing all the cooking/cleaning AND covering regular financial gifts to her in laws (not her even own parents) while her husband voluntarily chooses to be unemployed…so why is his pride not kicking in for that part.

Why is he not too proud to let his wife carry all that burden, and why is he ok demanding she spend her money to protect his “image” to his parents, over financial gifts the parents don’t even need? He didn’t even offer to eg cut down on some of his personal expenses to make up the difference—he just expected her to deal.

IMO the primary issue is self centeredness and misplaced priorities—not the culture. Culturally, his a$$ should be working…so…IMO he needs to pick a side and stick with it.

Illustrious_Leg_2537

If he doesn't want to stop giving them money, maybe he shouldn't stop working.

SpiceEarl

She needs to tell him that at that she entered the relationship with him working and that if he quits his job and stops earning money, it would go against her values...

ACM915

JFC- stop giving money to his parents. They are not homeless, and they have their own money and I don’t understand why you are giving them money at all. If he wants to give them money, then he can do it but your money stays with you.

Vegetable-Fix-4702

He takes a few months off and no pay but still sends money to the parents? I wouldn't like that at all. He needs to get two jobs to send money away when you both need it. He's not making sense to me.

Q_isnt_Anonymous

Understandable on your end. Sounds like this may be a cultural difference between the both of you. If you can't get your husband to see reason, maybe try talking to your inlaws. I don't think they would take accept money from you both if youre struggling. Husband might not be happy you bypassed him, but he isn't listening or even willing to hear you out.

I'm from an Asian culture where supporting your parents in old age is accepted, but no parent is going to take from a kid who is struggling, even if they were struggling (which your inlaws don't sound like). I think the giving money each month might be a pride matter to your husband. In fact I'm sure that is what this boils down to.

After reading the comments OP came back with this update:

Hey everyone, thank you so much for the comments, I really appreciate it! This was my first time postingt, and after reading all the comments about how I was getting taken advantage of, I still took it originally with a grain of salt, and didn't want to get swayed by anything.

I even mentioned to my husband about posting on here, how comical it was that the post got so many likes and that I felt 'anonymously famous.'

He wasn't happy with it and said that he preferred just being judged by internet strangers.It was after talking to my best friend, when she expressed how f%$#@d up the situation was, that my husband is more willing for me to make sacrifices then say anything to his parents that the comments regarding me having no backbone is making much more sense.

Which is surprising to me, and I'm still self reflecting, because I've always thought of myself as a strong independent woman with self respect...and I didn't even realize how I got to this stage where I couldn't even recognize how f^%$#d up of a situation I was even in that I had to ask online for opinions...