'WIBTA if I called off my wedding because my fiancé is extremely frugal?' UPDATED
"WIBTA if I called off my wedding because my fiancé is extremely frugal?"
I 31F struggle with my fiancé’s 32M frugalness and not sure if I want to marry him anymore after 3 year relationship. Throwaway as my Fiancé follows my regular account.
I met my Fiancé 3 years ago. He came out of a bad marriage just 2 years before we met. One of her absolute abuses was financial. She bled him dry. Made him buy expensive jewelry only to give it away or break it after an argument. Designer shoes, clothes, big house cars… Caribbean trips; you name it she made him pay for it. She also took him to the cleaners in the divorce.
However, my fiancé is very well off. He makes far over 6 figures almost 7. On top of that he inherited a few million from his grandfather and his parents gifted him and his siblings also a few cool millions.
So yes the financial abuse was bad but he does not suffer financially. He has more money than he will ever need.
So last year I moved into his house. I do not pay rent but I split the bills and buy food. I pay for my own clothes and jewelry. I have a good job and I can take care of myself. However things have been taking a turn for the worse and I feel miserable.
His house was empty when I moved in. He had hand me down furniture. Maybe 3 forks and 2 knives. He wouldn’t put on the heating so the house felt cold and moldy. He has no curtains, no decorations. His ex took everything not bolted down and he was too cheap to replace it. Just imagine a million dollar house like that!
I am grateful that I can live in his house. It is something I could never afford myself. But I didn’t want to live in squalor! So I bought some kitchen supplies, some furniture… but at some point I realized I was dipping in my savings all the time and he did nothing.
I looked into curtains but those things are expensive. His house has so many windows it is crazy. I didn’t want to pay for this anymore.
I told him I needed a fund to furnish his house. He blew up at me that I was just with him for his money. I pointed out all the money I spend on his house. The gifts and the trips because he pays for nothing ever. Because he wants to be sure I am not here for the money.
The fact is, if we break up I have nothing… the house is not mine. If I spend all my savings on his house I will be left with absolutely nothing! He wants a prenup and I am fine with that but I can’t help but feel used.
Next to that I am jealous of his ex wife. I feel like she got treated and I am neglected. He proposed to his ex on a cruise with a $10,000 dollar white gold diamond ring. I got the rhodium plated Swarovski stuff that might cost like 100 bucks.
The proposal was at a picnic in the park I organized, payed groceries for and slaved in the kitchen for. I almost said no out of pure disappointment . However I am afraid to bring it up and to be called a golddigger.
I don’t want to be funding a millionaire’s lifestyle. He loves everything as long as I pay for it. As soon as he has to pay it is frivolous, unnecessary….
I can live like a poor person by myself. At least the fact there are literal millions lying around doesn’t hang over me to bum me out and I would just be paying for my own lifestyle.
WIBTA for calling off a wedding purely for financial reasons. Because I love this man, but I imagine our cheap wedding in contrast to his ex's extravaganza. Will our future kids be able to have some luxuries? Or only if I pay for it? What if I ever become a stay at home mom? Will I have to beg to put the heating on?
I know the abuse is not made up. His family and friends told me seperate stories of the abuse they witnessed. Not only did it confirm it, it showed me she was way more terrible than I thought.
Like stealing heirloom jewelry of his grandma with alzheimer right after she was widowed. Pretending she was gifted these things even though every one knew grandma hated her guts.
I did not realize or see he is doing the same to me as she was to him and he is (subconsciously) punishing me for what was done to him.
I am not trying to force a lifestyle on him that he was previously happy in. He told me prior to moving in that he left his house like this because he was depressed after his wife took everything ( even the curtains) that it makes him sad and he wants a cozy home. He just didn’t know where to start.
His house is paid off, thanks to grandfather. He isn’t actually spending much on utilities either, the house is very well isolated and has solar panels. It is weird to see how cheap he is being so rich.
I am not asking for designer furniture. Ikea all the way; and I have refurbished second hand furniture myself. I am actually pretty thrifty.
After reading the comments from Reddit users, the OP returned:
I see where my jealousy over the ex her lifestyle might trigger some people. Let me explain. A $10,000 dollar ring is insane and stupid to me. I do not want that because I would fear for losing it every day. I don’t need an over the top wedding … however, it almost feels like for her he put in the effort.
He wanted to give her what made her happy, put effort and thought in it. With me it almost feels like he wants to prove how little he can give me.
He talked about how he would like the wedding to be and it is cheaper than my actually financially struggling cousin's wedding. I can’t help but feel he wants to demonstrate how cheap he can treat me! And I already feel embarrassed about what the family that would have been to both weddings would think. I will feel like the discount wife.
I don’t like to say it but it feels like he gets off on it to some extend. We are almost talking washing paper plates at this moment.
Yes I did discuss selling the mansion. I really don’t need it and would move to a more modest house. Especially knowing this is the house his ex picked. He doesn’t want to do that. He loves this house… but I feel really intimidated living in a house I could never afford anyway.
I havn’t talked to him yet but a pause on the marriage and counseling is a must. I already am looking for therapy because I realized I might indeed be too much of a people pleaser, allowing him to control me with the ghost of his ex. I also am going to seperate for a while. I am looking to rent something for a few months so I can get some space. Thank you all for your insights!
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
NTA. “I understand you’ve had some trauma in your past and I’m sorry you went through that. But I can’t allow you to mistreat me because of it. It burns me up inside that you gave her everything, but I have to beg for the bare minimum. I deserve to feel cherished by my partner, as I have cherished you.”
Replying to add on to the above statement: “I am not with you because of the money you have, and if you can’t trust that then that’s something you need to work on. I cannot live without heat, furniture, curtains, and basic decency just to prove to you that I am not a financial abuser like your ex. It feels as if you are projecting that image onto me and that is unfair.”
His way of coping is extremely unhealthy. What he should be doing is talking to a therapist about how he can communicate his needs to you, not shutting you out and behaving the complete opposite of how he did with this ex.
He should set some healthy boundaries on how he spends his money, sure, but he also needs to acknowledge that you asking for some financial contribution to the house you live in isn’t the same as his ex demanding he take her on a cruise.
He needs to find some ways he can feel appreciated when he does spend money on things you benefit from, and he needs to trust that he is in full control of his money, you have no desire to take that from him.
You two are not ready for marriage if you’re not able to talk to him about this. You need to be able to talk about your concerns to have a healthy relationship. WBTAH for calling things off without any communication. However, NTA if you communicate this, as you did in this post, and continues to accuse you of being a gold digger.
Do you respect yourself? It doesn’t sound like it if you let him call you names and compare you to his ex
You aren't asking for luxurious trips and to be spoiled, you're asking for reasonable4 things like heat and furniture! You need to have a serious talk with him, this is obviously an overcorrection to the other extreme. YWNBTA for breaking it off, because financial abuse goes both ways and that's what he's doing to you now.
However if you love him, talk to him, perhaps show him that what HES doing to YOU is just what his ex did to him, and you're tanking your own financial health to be with him, but you, unlike him, don't have millions to fall back on if you have to walk away.
OP responded with, what seems like it will probably be, her final update:
'Update: WIBTAH for calling of my wedding because my Fiancé is extremely frugal'
Okay I hope this update makes sense because I am very confused and not really doing that well at the moment.
Well Reddit you changed my life. thank you so much for all your ideas and insights. Honestly I don’t think I would have had the courage to do what I did without you guys. I went to therapy Took the day off just to get my racing mind to calm down. Therapy has confirmed things you guys suspected.
I am a people pleaser, I wanted to “save” him and I have internalized the idea that any effort and every penny I want him to spend on me makes me a gold digger. I will have weekly sessions to work on me.
I realized I would have never taken this treatment from any of my exes. Even though I made more then them. The idea I had to proof myself “ worthy “ to be with a millionaire and not be in there for the money got in to my head pretty early.
I called one of his siblings I am pretty close with and just told her everything. She was not surprised but just sad about how unhappy he was making me. She told me that from the day we started he had this idea that “ I was out of his league”.
He struggled to understand why I wanted to be with him and he probably just thought : it must be my money. She told me she already talked to him in the past to treat me better. She was furious about the proposal.
This information confused me a little. I was a little hurt she never discussed any of this before but she thought it was none of her business. She also explained how she and her husband organized their finances. He also doesn’t have as much as her.
I took the opportunity to pack a bag. I haven’t found a place yet but I am going to stay with my parents. I made up my mind that I will at least want 6 months apart to get myself in order. I made sure my stuff was in the car because honestly I had no idea how the conversation would go.
So, on to the most difficult part. The talk. I waited for him to come home. He was pretty late but I didn’t want to sleep another night on this. Pretending I was fine while I was contemplating all this just ate me up.
I had written down what I wanted to say. I have never been so scared before. I didn’t want to hurt him and I didn’t know how he would react. I took some advice from here. I opened that I was moving out and that I wanted to pause our engagement.
He was very quiet and just sat down. I told him he really hurt me by calling me a golddigger and that I am done walking on eggshells and feeling guilty for just wanting basic things. I told him I was unhappy and felt neglected. I also told him that after 3 years of me showing up for him, if he still doesn’t think I am here for him, it is not going to happen.
He was just quiet. He didn’t say anything. I told him that the constant comparing to his ex was unhealthy and unfair. Punishing me for her sins was abusive.
I told him comparing her to me all the time has triggered me comparing myself to her and starting to feel like she was worth more than me. One of the things about her was mostly ungratefulness. He would do nice things for her but it was never enough. The thing is, he doesn’t do nice things for me and I have to be grateful for the pleasure of picking up the bill.
I told him he was not ready for marriage. That I dreaded having kids with him and having them live like this. That I didn’t trust he would take care of me if I would become a SAHM. And at that point I just called him abusive and a user. I was getting pretty angry saying all this out loud. Losing my composer and script a little bit.
He remained quiet with almost no emotion on his face. I stayed quiet but nothing came out so I decided that I would just leave. Only when I got up to go he said please don’t go. He asked me if I was pausing the wedding or calling it of. He wanted to know if it was over or if he still had a shot.
I told him I wanted out of this house. I honestly don’t want to live in his ex's palace of sadness anymore. I needed him to go to therapy and especially financial therapy. I needed a separation. I told him I was open to couples counseling if he went into individual counseling.
He begged me not to do the separation but honestly I really really wanted it. I just told him to think about it and I left him. He was finally showing some emotions. He was crying at this point.
He sent me a very long text somewhere in the AM. He told me he was a wreck and couldn’t sleep. He made all kinds of promises. He said he would go into therapy, sell his house, buy a smaller one and make sure I am taken care of whatever happens.
He said he would help me decorate and we will make a home. He again asked me to please come “home”. But to me it doesn’t feel like home there anyway.
I feel very empty and tired. I have been sleeping most of the day. I feel guilty but also a little bit relieved if that makes sense. I don’t know if I actually want him back if he does all that. Idk I am a little unsteady right now. I need some time to process.
I will go back for the kitchen supplies and my tv. I won’t take anything else out of the furniture. This is basically for the exact same reason I was unwilling to buy everything: his house is huge so the couch is huge … I can’t take it.
Here were the top rated comments after this unexpected update:
Oh, good for you. You chose you. Yay for you. I’m sure this is unbelievably hard right now for both of you. He’s incredibly damaged and needs to be more whole before he can show up for anyone else.
You’ve sustained some damage too, and need to find yourself and learn to put yourself first, not in a selfish way, but in a healthy way. Wishing you the best, and thanks for the update. I was so concerned that you’d stay and prolong the unhappiness.
Please take all your belongings, you bought it for yourself. He doesn't deserve anything after the sh*t he put you through.
If you go back, it needs to be AFTER he has started doing the work for an extended period of time. Not just a few weeks. People will promise you the Sun and stars but once they get you back it suddenly isn’t a priority and they’ll start fulfilling all these promises “later” or they’ll put in real effort for a few weeks and then slide back into their old comfortable complacency.
Talk about what he needs to work on and if her does it and sticks to for six months to a year then I’d be willing to consider that things are turning around. He doesn’t need to do everything perfect right away but he needs to keep trying and continuing with therapy and strategies that you both feel comfortable with.
I remember your previous post. Your ex’s behavior was abominable. It sounds like he didn’t even really take what you said on board if you mentioned that he needs therapy and you need time and what he offered you was pressure and only his needs.
He calls you that very night because he can’t sleep? You’ve had restless nights due to his abusive behavior. Running back to that immediately is exactly the opposite of what you outlined you need.
You have already taken the big hard step and I’m proud of you for doing what is best for you. My suggestion is that anything too big to move/ take with you he can either reimburse you for or you will sell. You need to dig yourself out of the financial hole you dug for yourself while trying to prove yourself to him.
That’s over. You’re done being a financial doormat. You need to get your savings back to healthy and be independent of this abuser. I don’t know if this dynamic will ever be good enough for the two of you to get back together, but I hope losing you gives him the kick he needs to deal with his trauma without traumatizing others. No other woman should have to go through what you did with this guy.
You did the right thing, even in your break-up conversation. I have to wonder if he's missing you or he's missing a woman he can financially abuse since he can't punish his ex the way he wants.
He can make all sorts of promises. He can put together a house with furniture and everything, but would you ever really trust him again? How long until he starts setting the thermostat really low in the winter and really high in the summer?
How long before he whines about the cost to repair something and can't you live with a broken whatever? If his home doesn't feel like a home to you, you need to tell him that. I wish you the best in putting your life back together.