'AITA for telling my fiancé's friends they can't throw him a bday party because I made plans?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my fiancé's friends that they can't organise a party for his birthday because I already have plans?"

So my fiance (28m) and I (27f) have been together for 6 years (we’re in the middle of planning our wedding but that’s besides the point lol). Anyway he’s the love of my life, and my best mate in the world and I want him to be happy.

So we live in a city that is close to some beautiful hills. Sometimes we go for drives in those hills. There is one little town that my fiance loves even though he has never actually stayed there. It’s his birthday next Friday so I decided to take him on a mini holiday to that town.

I found a cute hotel and researched and organised some activities that I know he’ll love. We’ll stay from Friday to Monday. I’ve talked to his boss and he agreed to let my fiance take two days off but won’t say anything to keep it a surprise.

So yesterday one of his friends messaged me and told me about a party they’ve been organising for my fiance and asked me to guide him to it without giving it away. The party was supposed to be on Friday night.

I told them that we’ll be out of town Friday night but I’d help them to throw it on Thursday. His friends then started blowing up my phone telling me that it’s uncool to take him away on his birthday without prior warning or discussing it with him and that he’d probably rather spend his birthday having a beer with the boys instead of doing boring couple stuff.

After some back and forth I told them to get fu#ked and that they should have consulted with me and not the other way round.

They said that they are going to tell my fiance about both of our plans so that he can decide what he wants to do. I asked them not to as I went to great lengths to keep it a surprise but they said that it’s only fair and I should have remembered that they might want to do something and that most of them have known him for longer than I do.

I feel like I should’t have to ask for permission to take my fiance on a trip on his birthday but maybe it is a faux pas?

Here were the reactions to OP's first post.

Deadlyhausfrau

NTA. Talk to your fiancee and tell him generally that you have planned a surprise for him. Tell him his friends planned something without looping you in and won't be flexible about doing it one day early.

Then tell him that they have threatened to spoil your surprise, and ask him to specifically tell them not to do that. Edit: Thanks for all the helpful awards!

genericname907

NTA- its ridiculous of them to expect you to ask them before you make plans for your fiance's birthday and you are very correct, they should have consulted you prior to planning a party.

framellasky

NTA, what kind of friends organize a surprise party for a friend without the partner? And you are his fiancee not just a girl he dates for a while! And for the people who say that OP should have checked with the fiance, it's a "surprise". And the friends are really TA for the comments and that they will snitch

Edit: ALSO if they really ruin the suprise and let OP's fiance decide. What terrible decision should he make? Stay with the boys and his fiancee will be disappointed or he chose OP (the woman he wants to marry by the way) and his boys will throw a tantrum!

THIS would really ruin his birthday because there is no good solution. Happy birthday you can decide which people you will disappoint!

Deleted

NTA. His friends are crap. They should have asked you weeks before, not days before. I hope they don’t ruin your surprise.

PLUS, why wouldn’t his fiancée be included in his birthday planning?!? His friends are dicks.

A week later, OP came back with the update.

Some of you asked for an update so I shall deliver. First things first, the surprise wasn’t ruined, we got to go and my fiancé loved it.

I followed your advise and told him that I had something planned that clashed with the plans his mates made and that they are now threatening to ruin the surprise. I offered to tell him what I had planned but he shut that down pretty quickly.

He then called one of the boys and asked them wtf was wrong with them to pull this stunt and that they should know by know that our birthday surprises are a very important part of our relationship and something we look forward to the whole year.

After a rather lengthy talk with his mate it turned out that the boys wanted one last big birthday piss up before he got married as they all felt like he was drifting away from them and that his priorities shifted.

Fiancé then told him that it’s normal for priorities to shift when you are in a long term relationship. He made it known that he was very disappointed with the boys’ behaviour towards me and that they needed to apologise.

Apart from that we had a wonderful weekend, he loved it and even ordered a blanket with his favourite photos of the trip on it.

My fiancé didn’t go to boys night tough last week as no one had apologised to me. I guess that showed them that he was serious and most of them called or messaged me afterwards with an apology except for one bloke.

Everyone apart from him will be coming to ours for a BBQ next week and we’re both hoping to be able to move past this rather unpleasant experience. That’s all guys, take care.

The comments celebrated OP and her maturing BF.

bradicalman

Love this update. Good for your fiance for putting you before the guys. Would've been seriously concerned about this if he didn't. But late cake day to your fiance, and hope the BBQ goes well Edit: changed from husband to fiance

Karyatids

Great to see your fiancé backed you up. He has set a great precedent for your future life together! Congratulations and I’m happy it all worked out!

PepperFinn

I'm curious. Are any of his friends in relationships? Because that could explain the attitude.

They're still all "bros before ho-ho-ho", bachelor life, weekly poker / guys night and stay up all night drinking, no serious attachments ..... and then you have your guy.

He's grown up, grown past thinking its ok to go to work a little hungover. Grown to love you and put you first and even when at guys night would still send you an "I love you" text.

He likes his time with the boys but at the end of every day can't wait to come home to you.

The others don't "get it" because they don't have that kind of love in their lives

Jabberwockjess

it's so nice to see more posts where a husband/bf/fiance has a spine and sticks up for his SO

Smallorderof_fries

I still can't get over the fact that you offered to help them reschedule but they were so hyper focused on the fact that you made plans on his actual birthday.

You handled all this situation well and im glad your husband has his priorities straight id likely want a birthday surprise from my partner on my birthday over my friend's if I had to pick one, and that's because my partner knows me best and knows what would make me super excited.

It's not that my friends don't but the love of my life going through such effort hits different.