'AITA for sleeping with my married friend's ex?! She called me a [blank].'

"AITAH for sleeping with my married friend's ex?!"

I created this account just to ask this question. I’ve been a long time lingerer on Reddit so it’s nice to finally sign up! Ok here goes: My friend (Julia) dated this guy(Charles) 4 years ago for a approximately a year. They’ve been apart for 3 years and she’s since gotten married (she’s also 16 weeks pregnant now).

I was friends with Charles when they were dating. He’s a musician and so am I, so we had a lot in common. We all used to hang out a lot and I got to know him really well, I thought he was a really cool guy and I was happy for my friend. When they broke up I stopped seeing him as I thought it was inappropriate. Years went by without any contact between us.

Last month I was playing a small gig in a bar. After I finished I went over to the bar to have a drink. Long story short, Charles was there and came over to say hello. We had some drinks, laughed a lot, ordered dinner and ended up going home together and sleeping with each other.

Next day I decided to tell Julia and she stayed quiet after I told her. She didn’t really respond but just said she was feeling tired (she’s pregnant) I said bye and left her house. A few hours later I get a huge text message from her berating me, calling me a b#$@h and saying I should have asked her. We’ve been friends for almost 10 years and she said she wants nothing to do with me.

To be honest I was in shock because I didn’t feel like I needed to ask permission to date him after they had been broken up for so long and after she got on with her life. I’m not sure what to do now as he’s invited me on a date. I don’t want to lose her friendship. Most probably I’ll end it with him. AITAH?

Info: Lots of people asking how/why they broke up. She wanted kids and marriage, he didn’t. He wanted to just concentrate on his career. She ended it with him.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Ploppyun writes:

This is laughable from a lesbian point of view. Charles would’ve been fair game in 2 months if not sooner.

ChristinaTries OP responded:

🤣🤣

-Chronicle writes:

Your friend is pregnant and her body is going through tons of hormonal changes and stresses right now. It's totally possible that the way she reacted is not the way she would have reacted otherwise. If I were you, I'd give her some space but also try to heal the friendship back up when the time comes.

ChristinaTries OP responded:

I think that’s amazing advice and I’ll follow it.

SquirrelGirlVA writes:

Here's my little conspiracy theory: Charles expressed romantic/sexual interest in OP while he and Julia were dating. Or if not outright romantic/sexual interest, more interest than what Julia felt was appropriate. She probably didn't think too terribly much about it, but secretly worried that OP was better suited for him than she was, making her feel insecure.

The eventual breakup over wanting different things doesn't make things much better. OP stops contact with Charles. Life goes on and Julia probably assumes that OP never reciprocated Charles's interest as she cut him off, but there may be a slight seed of worry left behind.

Flash forward to years later, Julia discovers that OP reconnected with Charles and slept with him. All of those insecurities and the seed of worry roar to life, fueled by pregnancy hormones. Rather than communicate with OP Julia lets it stew for a while, during which she whips herself into a frenzy, resulting in the text message tirade that confused OP.

Meanwhile a part of Julia is screaming to herself 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING, STOP IT JULIA, STOP IT NOW' but can't actually make herself stop, especially now that what is done has been done. Again, only a theory and nothing to substantiate this.

ChristinaTries OP responded:

OMG I need you in my life! That was awesome. I feel I should consult you before I do anything else with my love life.

geminixTS writes:

You'll get hate for this and so will I but agreed. Don't fuck with friends exes and not expect it to be a problem. Hope losing a friendship is worth it to you.

ChristinaTries OP responded:

No hate at all. I respect your opinion. I just don’t think it’s as black and white as that. 🙏

rabbitp4ws writes:

So this dude wouldn't commit to your bestie. She wanted a family with him, he rejected that notion. You seriously can't see how hurtful that is and how that kind of pain and rejection might linger? She wanted to have his babies! That's the kind of love she felt for him. Even if they were only together a year, she wanted much more than that.

On top of this, you knew it was inappropriate, you even cut contact with him after their breakup because in YOUR OWN WORDS it was inappropriate. You've damaged your friendship of 10 years for some dude you probably won't be with forever. This is a hard lesson to learn (as well as completely avoidable and unnecessary, as it should be obvious).

In an earlier response to someone saying you don't date exes, you said something along the lines of 'I just don't see it as that black and white'. But your friend clearly does and that's what matters in regards to this situation.

Soft YTA because you didn't do it maliciously, but your friend is pregnant and emotional and this is not what she needed from you right now. It was selfish and scummy. Cut things off with dude if you think she will be able to forgive (doubtful, however she will forget) and preserve your friendship, if possible. Friends are hard to come by and even harder as we get older. Dick is not.

ChristinaTries OP responded:

Jesus, dramatic much? He didn’t reject her. He said he can’t see himself getting married now (he was 27 and just getting his life in order, she was 26). She broke up with him, she didn’t need to do that. She could easily have said that she’d stay with him and they can think about marriage later. She didn’t. She just ended it and moved on.

Intelligent_Hand_436 writes:

Imagine the husband of OP’s friend perspective. If he found out she cut her best friend out of her life because of an old ex. I’d be suspicious of my wife.